Gaslighting and Trickle Truths: Unraveling Deception in Betrayal
3 Types of “Truth Tellers”
Being betrayed hurts. It hurts like hell. There are only a few greater hurts imaginable. Whether you discovered your intimate partner’s betrayal accidentally or they told you they had an affair, a fling, a sexting thing, or anything that was kept secret, the simple fact is that they committed a crime against you and your relationship and have changed you forever.
Get ready! This is when the gaslighting begins or kicks into overdrive…with drips and drabs of information, otherwise known as trickle-truth.
You will be faced with one of three "truth-tellers." ~ a denier, a gusher, or a trickler.
A denier will deny the affair or “anything” else is happening, make you feel like you are going crazy, and fill you with self-doubt (gaslighting).
A gusher will explode with all of the truth right away, whether they were caught or whether they willingly disclosed it.
A trickler, on the other hand, reveals information slowly over time, possibly telling lies to conceal certain aspects of the truth until they are ready to let them out in a slow and controlled way, thereby delaying you from having the “complete truth” for some time.
When your whole world comes crashing down and you are given the devastating news, you do start to question what was ever “real” in your life. To make sense of the information, many betrayed people find themselves asking a multitude of questions designed to piece together the puzzle, create a timeline of events, and make sense of what (the F**K) happened.
It isn’t enough to know that they cheated.
We want to know where, when, how often, with whom, in what way, and most of all, WHY they did it.
What about the other person made my partner cheat?
We desperately want to know if the other person is more attractive than us. If they are smarter, younger, and better in bed…if they were….better.
There is a way to minimize trickle-truth. Remember, that trickle-truth tends to happen because people feel scared and extremely ashamed. They are less likely to tell you the complete truth if they think it will harm them.
Perhaps you will:
- walk out;
- threaten to take the kids;
- seek a divorce;
- tell others; or
- use whatever information is provided as ammunition against them later.
Reassure your partner of why you want to know and that you won’t hurt them with the information. Reassure them that, although it might hurt like hell, you will do your absolute best to process the information that comes in a way that is healthy and helpful to both of you. It is best to have a full disclosure consultation with a trained therapist or marriage counselor in a safe, non-judgmental space where you both feel safe to share and work through all the emotions that will come with full disclosure.
You will get through all the overwhelming feelings that you have. Regrettably, there are and will be many along your betrayal recovery journey. I have been where you are, and I am on the other side of betrayal with a map and a flashlight. It’s okay; the path is well-worn.
You are not alone.
