How Do You Know if Your Partner is Cheating?
How many questions can a Betrayal Recovery Specialist answer at a gathering?
At most events, where I am not one of the featured speakers, once others discover that I am a Betrayal Recovery Specialist, they are fascinated and most eager to know if I have ever worked with anyone famous.
Yes.
When they realize that that is all I am going to give them, defeated, they lean in and almost whisper to me, “Can I ask you a question, for a friend?”
We are off to the races.
Usually, it starts with, “What is the first thing that’ll tip you off that your partner is cheating on you?
My response: “Changes in their relationship with their phone.”
Most often, it is met with a puzzled look.
I clarify.
Suddenly, their partner has password-protected screens, secretive calls, or text messages at odd hours. This might not definitively signal an affair, but it does hint at a shift in your relationship’s dynamics.
A few nods, as others within earshot are curiously listening in.
It grows quiet.
Is there another brave enough person to ask me a betrayal question for a friend?
Usually, it takes about 90 seconds, then the flurries of infidelity questions, one after another after another... most are searching for that one thing I will say so that they can internally go “AH HA!” as I have now validated their sneaking suspicions about their relationship.
In my mind, I hear Pearl Jam’s Eddie Vedder sing in his seductive, raspy voice:
First comes love, then comes pain
Let the games begin.
Questions rise and answers fall, insurmountable
Love boat captain
Take the reigns and steer us towards the clear, here
It’s already been sung, but it can’t be said enough
All you need is love
As your captain, navigating the complexities of love and trust in a long-term relationship can be incredibly challenging, especially when faced with the possibility of infidelity. I’ve learned how crucial it is to recognize the early warning signs that something is off and face it head-on before it becomes insurmountable.
Here’s what I’ve gathered from countless stories my clients have shared over the years, including my own:
- Personal Transformation: A sudden interest in changing appearance, from wardrobe overhauls to a new sleek fast car.
- Behavioral Shifts: Criticism becomes more frequent, along with a tendency to start arguments over trivial matters. You find yourself making excuses to others (and yourself) for your partner’s irritation and moodiness.
- Altered Routines: Unusual work hours, avoidance of family events, responsibilities fall by the wayside, and a newfound enthusiasm for exercise or diet changes.
- Distance in the Relationship: A decrease in shared activities, including intimacy, coupled with increased bouts of erectile dysfunction.
- Subtle Indicators: Unexplained expenses, a lack of celebration for significant dates, and changes in social media behavior that might exclude mentions of the family or relationship.
- More not-so-subtle indicators: A new single, needy friend. A new, raunchy, potty mouth. Lingering eyes on another.
While change is a natural part of life and growth, a cluster of these behaviors can serve as a red flag.
It’s not about jumping to conclusions but staying aware and open to necessary conversations. If you’re seeing several of these signs, it might be time to reflect on your relationship and consider a heart-to-heart discussion with your partner.
Dr. Debi Silber said it best related to challenging conversations, “hard now, easy later, otherwise easy now (ignore), (very) hard later.”
It’s important to approach such observations with as much of an open heart as you can muster. Communication is the bridge to clarity and, ultimately, resolution. If you’re noticing these changes and feeling uneasy, remember that you’re not alone and that there are resources available for you.
My advice, as your captain, to those who asked for a friend is to write things down; do not trust your memory when fear and anger enter your relationship.
Want to ask me a question for a friend? Reach me here.
That’s all for today. If you’re new here and you’ve come this far, you’ll have to hit the follow button. Trust me, you won’t regret it. Otherwise, you might lose me forever.
Claps go a long way. 25 claps mean nicely done. 100 is a standing ovation.
50 claps mean the world to me and support my work in helping those betrayed not feel so alone. Thank you!
Explore More on Betrayal Recovery and Healing:
- Need guidance on surviving infidelity?
- Wondering if you’re in a toxic relationship?
- Curious about the emotional impact of infidelity on men?
- Looking for unique healing strategies after betrayal?
- What you need to know about hiring a relationship coach.
