Why We Pick Fights After Betrayal in Relationships
“I feel out of control. I pick fights with him constantly, even though he’s doing everything right. I’m exhausted and don’t understand why I still pick a fight, especially when everything seems calm. I just get so angry and unleash.”
These sentiments are not uncommon. Many of my clients, like the one who shared this with me recently, grapple with the same frustration. I’ve been there myself, too.
When we’ve been betrayed, our anger and rage can overtake us, and that relentless inner voice can become our constant companion. The anger can feel suffocating. But why do we do this? Oftentimes, we cling to anger as if it’s the only thing we can control when the world feels so out of control… when we feel out of control.
When betrayal shakes our world, anger is a natural response. But beneath that anger often lies fear—the fear of what we might lose if we choose forgiveness (not to be confused with forgetfulness) and the path of moving forward. It’s essential to recognize that staying mired in anger doesn’t benefit anyone—not ourselves, not our loved ones, and not the ones who have caused us pain.
So, let’s consider a different perspective:
What if we made the conscious choice to go all in?
What if we dared to let go of the anger and fear, leaping into the unknown of a new, responsible relationship with our existing partner? This approach involves setting a specific time frame during which we commit fully to the process. We openly communicate our needs, desires, and fears, giving our relationship the chance to evolve, heal, and grow.
And if, at the end of this predefined period, we find that it’s time to move on, we do so with clarity and strength, knowing that we’ve given it our best effort. It’s not about getting stuck; it’s about making a conscious choice.
The journey of healing and transformation after betrayal is not about remaining trapped in a cycle of anger forever; it’s about recognizing the stages and deciding when to move forward. It’s about acknowledging that anger often masks deeper fears and insecurities. By choosing to go all in, we allow ourselves the opportunity for a beautiful rebirth, a chance to let go of the past and embrace a brighter future.
So, the question we face is this: Will we remain stuck in the cesspool of anger, fear, bitterness, regret, and more, or will we summon the courage to take that leap into the unknown, with the understanding that it might lead us to a place of healing and renewal?
Three takeaways:
Self-Reflection and Awareness:
Take time to reflect on your emotions and reactions. Understand that anger is often a natural response to betrayal, but it can also mask deeper feelings like fear and insecurity. Self-awareness is the first step towards healing. Breathe three times before you respond.
Embrace Change and Let Go:
Consider the idea of “going all in” and letting go of anger and fear. Set a specific timeframe during which you commit to working on your relationship and yourself. Openly communicate your needs and fears to your partner, and seek professional guidance if needed.
Choose a Path of Healing and Renewal:
Recognize that remaining stuck in a cycle of anger and bitterness doesn’t benefit anyone. Make a conscious choice to move forward. If, after a reasonable effort, you find that it’s time to part ways, do so with clarity and strength. Understand that this choice can lead to a beautiful rebirth and a brighter future.
Knowledge alone doesn’t produce results. Implementation is key. Live your life by your design—with purpose, on purpose.
If you’re ready to explore this perspective further and transform your experience into a celebration of self-discovery and empowerment, I invite you to join my support group, read my book Dealing with the Devastation of Your Partner’s Betrayal | What to Do When Your World Falls Apart, or set an appointment to chat. Together, we can turn this challenging time into a powerful journey of healing and growth.
That’s all for today. If you’re new here and you’ve come this far, you’ll have to hit the follow button. Trust me, you won’t regret it. Otherwise, you might lose me forever.
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