6 Ways Men Unnecessarily Make Their Lives Harder, and 6 Recommended Solutions

I’m a man of 30 years and counting.

Well, technically, some of those years I was a child and a boy.

But I’ve been living as a male on this Earth for three decades now.

I’ve seen a lot as a man, including much of other men, in those 30 years.

Lots of inspiring men, lots of good men.

Lots of sad men, lots of corrupt men.

Men who work to actualize their potential every day and wake up grateful for the opportunities available to them.

Men who wouldn’t know what potential is if it punched them in the face with an iron fist.

These experiences and observations have given me plenty to contemplate, research, test, and realize for myself.

One of the biggest themes I’ve seen throughout my life as a man is many men don’t strive for or reach what they’re capable of.

Men also tend to undercut themselves unnecessarily because of the societal or cultural script they think they must follow.

That’s a dire state of affairs, because the world is — in many ways — the most unforgiving it’s ever been.

Especially for men.

Today, if you’re not living aligned with the truth, honesty, love, and discipline as a man, you’ll get kicked to the wayside fast.

You’ll quickly lose opportunities to men more focused, committed, and transparent than you.

If you want to be one of the men who increasing amounts of opportunities go to, or you’re ready to renew your life for good, you’ll want to read this.

Here are six ways men unnecessarily burden themselves and six ways to change that.

1. Men Desire to Be Supported Yet Don’t Support One Another

One of the great, silent struggles of men is the fact that they go most of their lives without the deepest kinds of support they crave.

Men may receive support from their families, girlfriends, or wives, especially if their relationships with such individuals are strong and ongoing.

But for the most part, men are taught (and learn) before they even really become “men” that they need to deliver.

Men are expected to be providers, finishers, completers, supporters, and achievers with or without praise, and with or without understanding.

Men often go months or years at a time without being told they’re appreciated, seen, or valued — if they ever hear this in their lives. Men crave these acknowledgements just as much as women do.

All men desire appreciation, whether or not they verbalize it (even to the people they trust the most like spouses and best friends). So, what happens in the constant movement and changes of life?

They end up not appreciating one another. As men progress through life and accept all manner of responsibilities that are unique to them to some degree (such as the exact work or career circumstances they’ve pursued), they start to feel as though no one can walk a mile in their shoes.

They start to feel like only they have faced the battles, asked the questions, considered the troubles, and climbed the mountains in their life.

So they end up neither appreciating the struggles of their fellow men internally nor expressing it externally.

They become hyperinsular, expecting to solve their greatest troubles with only their own mind and sheer persistence. Perhaps the occasional insight from a trusted family member.

This process leads them to a fear of being inauthentically grateful, or more commonly, they feel like no one appreciates them, so they don’t take time to appreciate others.

Such a mindset is a downward spiral, making it more difficult for a man to recognize and accept his own accomplishments and be grateful for the men who have gone before him.

Worse yet, some men may have exercised appreciation only to discover other men don’t express appreciation in return, incentivizing them not to appreciate in the future.

In the midst of all of this, most men are facing many of the same struggles.

Generating sufficient income, handling family matters, finding time to enjoy recreation, understanding and appreciating women, and making time for themselves.

Most of all, finding and pursuing purpose.

It can be a lot to handle, even for motivated men.

So most men keep it all to themselves, rarely if ever realizing how much their fellow men also desire appreciation and recognition.

Recommended Solution:

If you’re a man, tell your friends you appreciate them. Simply say, “Thanks for being you” if anything more feels like too much. You may be surprised by how thankful your friends are when they hear this.

If you’re the recipient of a friend’s appreciation, pause to recognize how rare it is to receive it. Be grateful for that small, yet sincere action.

2. Men Don’t Speak Up to One Another Out of Fear of Losing Their “Man Card”

Just like appreciating one another is not an action that comes easily to most men, sharing one’s inner thoughts is also uncommon. In a similar way that men are taught to be finishers and providers from an early age, they’re also taught to be “tough” and not show emotions.

This leads many men to avoid opening up to other men, because they’re afraid they’ll be seen as soft or feminine.

They don’t want to appear weak or vulnerable in front of other people, which puts their public reputation (often among other men who they respect) at risk.

In reality, everyone has emotions and everyone needs to express them.

To think otherwise is simply self-delusion.

Repressed emotions often cause emotional, psychological, and physical disturbances, including heightened stress levels, memory loss, dissociation or emotional numbness, and other mental disorders like anxiety and depression.

Men make up about half of the population but as much as 80% of suicides, which is four times the rate of female suicides. Middle-aged white men have the highest concentration of suicides across male demographics.

If a man is in his darkest hour and feels he has no one to turn to, the odds aren’t always in his favor.

So, what’s the solution? There’s no simple, easy, or fast way to ameliorate the fact that man-to-man relationships involve little if any emotional vulnerability. In spite of such a daunting obstacle, there are powerful steps men can take to make life a little lighter and clearer for all men.

Recommended Solution:

First, acknowledge that to be human is to have emotions. No one should be punished or ridiculed for simply being human. If you notice a male friend of your engaging in ridicule, hold them accountable.

Second, remind yourself and your male friends that being open with one another fosters trust and deeper friendship. Often, the same men who are suffering the most (or at the greatest risk) are those who need the safest spaces to open up. Give not just them but everyone the opportunity to share what’s on their mind without feeling lesser for it.

3. Men Sometimes Go Against Their Own Desires of Time, Energy, and Effort (Out of Wanting Not to Upset Their Wives and Girlfriends)

This is a bit of a strange subheading so allow me to elucidate it. Men are wired to face challenges and overcome them. The natural state of a man is to deal with near-constant difficulty and have the competence and confidence to succeed in the midst of it.

Over time, society has shifted towards convenience, comfort, and casualness.

Sourcing food, battling beasts, and conquering an enemy’s land has been replaced by driving in a car to work and popping a frozen meal in the microwave.

Almost all challenges, risks, and physical obstacles have disappeared.

What have men done?

They’ve replaced these timeless physiological and psychological challenges for modern ones — becoming proficient at a video game, getting promoted at work, and discovering the latest cryptocurrency.

This isn’t an article to say that learning a new skill or fostering personal economic betterment is evil; they aren’t.

The point here is that relinquishing timeless and biological drives simply to fit into modern life is mollifying men.

If a man is not holistically strong, he is strategically weak.

An overwhelming (and increasing) amount of research shows that mental and physical strength are connected. If one is placed on the back burner, the other invariably suffers.

So, what does a man do when there are deep, often biologically-driven desires calling out to him but he has accepted life commitments that blur the lines between the ancient and modern? Such commitments usually include a girlfriend or a wife (and these are not bad commitments, by the way).

He usually goes along to get along.

Why is this?

It’s because committing to a romantic relationship expands your social circle. With a wider social circle comes more invitations and events; with more social events comes more people to address; with more people to address comes more decisions; with more decisions to make, the greater the consequences of one’s decision(s).

When facing decisions of consequence, especially those that can alter one’s relational standing with others, most men go with the flow.

They would rather participate with the social events made possible by their romantic partners if it means keeping their partner happy than risk saying no and possibly losing their partner.

Am I saying cutting oneself off from society is necessary or good? No.

Am I saying turning down invitations just to look cool or constantly work more is beneficial? No.

Am I saying men need to change their values once they find a woman they want to commit to? Definitely no.

What am I saying?

I’m saying men of integrity don’t fear saying no to their partners when necessary, if that’s what’s needed to continue their purpose or foster a deeper romantic relationship.

I’m saying men of purpose don’t allow modern society’s cookie-cutter expectations of manhood to dictate their purpose, energy, time, and focus.

Men must live in alignment with their values and purpose. If they’re doing something just to make their wife or their friends happy, they’re seeking acceptance, not alignment.

Alignment leads to the truth, and the truth is what overcomes.

Recommended Solution:

Assess your social life and understand where your priorities lie. Are you taking any and every invitation to make people happy? Are you afraid of being rejected if you tell people no?

Recognize this if so, and recognize that people rarely reject you simply for setting boundaries. If they do, that’s a sign they had no boundaries of their own and were never meant to be in your life.

Aside from this, identify who your tribe is. Your tribe is a group of people you’re committed to and who are committed to you. This includes your girlfriend or wife if you have one.

These are the people to commit most of your social time to. It doesn’t mean you can’t make new friends. It means you should be selective about who you give your time and energy to. The more people you share your time and energy with, the lower the quality of relationships tend to become.

Everyone needs a tribe, especially men. Men are all too accustomed to going it alone, especially in today’s age.

4. Men Sometimes Focus on Short-Term Challenges Rather Than Long-Term Opportunities

One of the biggest pitfalls overtaking men is paying attention to short-term challenges rather than long-term growth opportunities.

Isn’t this a contradiction in terms? Shouldn’t men be facing any challenge that comes their way?

No.

In fact, one sign of a wise man is that he knows which battles to fight.

While strength of all kinds is worth pursuing for a man, one of the greatest forms of strengths is restraint.

A man who has learned from experience and decided to focus his energy where it’s needed most is intelligent indeed.

This type of man knows he cannot, and will not, fight every battle that is presented to him.

Some battles are distractions, some battles are relevant but not worthwhile, and still other battles are those only he can fight.

As the wise man’s discernment grows, he chooses only the third kind.

Put another way, a foolish man may see the opportunity to fight right in front of him and consider it a means to prove himself.

This can quickly become a destructive cycle, because while he thinks he’s overcoming enemies and improving his value, he’s only wasting time, energy, and losing the long game. All while making a fool of himself.

The wise man looks at where he needs to be years from now, identifies roadblocks on that path, and commits his energy to removing only those obstacles.

This gives him not only the reality of confidence, but the aura of it. A man who doesn’t need to prove himself and focuses solely on his purpose is both inspiring to men and attractive to women.

This man also grows faster and achieves more in less time than other men, because he learns quicker from his mistakes. The more intentional his decisions are, the closer he already is to his destination.

Too many men fall for the illusion that every challenge is worthwhile. Though some short-term battles must be waged, they’re rarely the encounters that lead to sustainable progress.

The wise man identifies the trajectory his life must be on, claims the disciplines necessary to be on this trajectory, and commits the time needed for these disciplines.

This mindset prepares this man for the long-term opened doors that only such disciplines can create.

Recommended Solution:

Look at the challenges you’ve been facing lately. Are they little more than dramatic entanglements that leave you exhausted and wondering how you got there in the first place? If so, you must focus on growing discernment and practicing restraint.

If you’re facing battles tied to your long-term goals and people opposing your values, you’re in the right place. No honest man’s life is free of conflict, and as you face this long-term conflict you will be sharpened and more prepared for every next step.

5. Men Chase Women, Sex, or Both Instead of Investing In Themselves

This is one of the most popular tenets shared by modern dating and relationship coaches — particularly male coaches. As someone who’s witnessed numerous men fall for the lie that women are the best thing to chase, I’ve seen how painful and costly it is to try to reroute one’s life after making this mistake.

Before getting into this point, it’s well worth pausing for a subpoint.

Many women are remarkable. They are inspirational, supportive, feminine, and nurturing.

They are the reason many men wake up every day and have an infinite list of things to be grateful for.

A woman can be one of the most important parts of a man’s life, giving him the home base and constant warmth he needs to win his battles.

Women are not worth chasing, though.

Many men have learned this firsthand, and any dating coach worth his salt will tell you early on that chasing a woman guarantees she’ll stay far away from you.

A man must learn how to commit his desires and focus on that which will build his life, not that which will devalue him and make it harder to gain momentum.

Cheap or free sex often satisfies a man in the moment, but only creates a feeling of emptiness.

Purpose, discipline, and consistency towards worthy goals are three of the only things in a man’s life that transcend time and multiply his value.

Recommended Solution:

As a man, are you fixated on any woman who isn’t your wife? Are you chasing after her, literally or figuratively, and wondering why it’s going nowhere?

Do both yourself and her a favor and quit chasing. That will only push her further away while wasting precious time that’s impossible to retrieve.

Instead, identify the number one personal or professional goal you want to achieve in the next year and commit yourself to that.

6. Men Expect Their Friendships to Continue Throughout Their Lives Without Investing In Them

There are a lot of differences between men and women, and one in particular stands out.

In woman-to-woman friendships, if one of them crosses the other, they will both remember it for years, if not decades to come.

They may resolve the issue but they may not. If the issue remains open, the two women may continue to hold a grudge against the other.

With men, not only are grudges less common, they are usually resolved much differently. Men can let bygones be bygones within a few minutes of seeing each other or talking again, especially if there’s no new reason for any conflict.

When men do get into conflict with one another, it’s for many of the same reasons women do.

Someone said something offensive, someone didn’t show support when it was needed, or someone assumed something that turned out to be wrong or hurtful.

Women don’t have the physical strength men do, so they resort to mental and emotional tactics to handle business.

If two men get into a conflict, and they’re truly pissed off at one another, a physical fight is not unheard of, especially in urban areas.

Men know that physical aggression is both intense and expensive. If you’re going to attack someone, it may cost you your own life, or at least an injury.

Therefore, men are more likely to resolve conflicts faster and easier, especially if both of them are willing to do so.

How is this pertinent to lifelong male friendships?

There’s a correlation between how men handle conflict and how they handle many of their friendships.

Men can find it quick to resolve conflicts easily because they can also find it easy to duck out on friendships. That’s not to say women don’t have their own relational struggles.

Large numbers of men, however, will leave a relationship simply because they don’t want to commit the effort necessary to repair it properly.

Men often find themselves caught up in the burdens and responsibilities of life, which prompts the desire to spend time alone. Many men appreciate being able to do nothing after a long day of work — or at least, nothing productive.

Unfortunately, this also leads to men spending less time with friends as they get older.

Faced with the need to fulfill a romantic relationship, possibly kids, a boss to satisfy, and their own needs to address, lots of men simply don’t feel like putting in the effort to call up friends.

That doesn’t always mean men are trying to distance themselves from friendships or stop caring about their friends if they don’t talk for a period of time. But, it’s undeniable that friends who spend more time with one another, even talking, enjoy stronger connections over a lifetime.

Social research has indicated that friendships lasting at least seven years are more likely to last an entire lifetime.

Researchers have also found that friends who find it safe to be vulnerable with one another enjoy a greater authenticity of friendship.

If you’re wondering why your relationships as a man have dwindled, take a look in the mirror first. Are you living by your own values and standards or expecting others to pick up the slack that you won’t put in?

Naturally, some people may have left your life and that’s their issue. Many good people have lost otherwise-viable friendships due to someone else’s lack of effort or transparency.

That’s not what a man focuses on, though. A man focuses on his own effort, values, consistency, and communication.

He promises that he will live by his own code of conduct, even when others fail at theirs or never disclose it in the first place.

Recommended Solution:

Look at your life and current friendships. Are you investing the kind of time and energy you would want your friends to invest in you? If not, why not?

If you are, which of your friends have been the most consistent? Those are people to verbally appreciate and be constantly grateful for due to the fact they’re in your life.

After reading this entire article, I commend you. As a man, I applaud you for learning more about what it takes to live a life of integrity. As a woman, I applaud you for learning more about the world of men, their struggles, and how you can support the men you love.

Keep living in alignment with your values. Let come and go what may, and recognize that the only constant in human relationships is what changes. Stand for the truth and embrace the joy that appears as a result.

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