The Science of giving a F**k
Response to my previous article so far could have been termed lukewarm at best. From the beginning I knew I was contradicting a popular opinion. Reads and claps for the article thus far had only reinforced it. But for my surprise, one of my colleagues, whom I deeply respected(to an extent of being intimidated of him myself), called on me and lauded the article. I was elated and was on cloud nine.
When I returned to my normal, I began to wonder why appreciation from one individual made so much difference to me even when majority of the reading community had not shown any enthusiasm. As I thought more about it, I could see more examples of such ‘yearnings for social validation’ in our daily life. Why do we harp on for more ‘likes’ and ‘shares’ to our social media posts? Why ‘likes’ from selected few delights us more than others? Why do we care our colleagues also think your last purchase was a great choice? If they don’t, why do we try explaining rationale behind our purchase?
In this article let us discuss social and evolutionary science behind why we give so much importance to opinions of others.
The Social Animal
The below quote from Fredrik Backman is the most beautiful description of social aspect of humans I have come across so far.
We want to be loved. Failing that, admired; failing that, feared; failing that, hated and despised. At all costs we want to stir up some sort of feeling in others. The soul abhors a vacuum. At all costs it longs for contact.
We understand this well. But it may not be known that research studies(some spawning more than a few decades), have shown that ‘quality of relationships’ is the highest contributing factor to one’s long term happiness. I am sure, building great relationships needs tending to opinions of others to a great extent.
The belonging feeling
Studies in Social Psychology have shown that while Self Identity is important for each of us and being lumped in with a crowd is not welcomed, we do not completely want to stand out either. In the words of Sheena Iyengar from the book The Art of Choosing
We feel our best when we are “just right” part of a group that is specialised enough to set us apart from the masses but still definable. We want to stand out from the majority, but usually not in a way that makes us part of a glaring and lonely minority.
Thus we feel extreme pressure to belong to a group. To fit in, we mostly conform to what others around us are doing. To fit in, we concern and conform to opinion of others. This behaviour is well demonstrated by Solomon Asch, a well known social pscyhologist, in his experiments on group conformity.
You may have noticed the discomfort experienced by the subject of the experiment. Not fitting to a group is ‘dissonance’ arising.
A thought experiment
Think you and your friend are out shopping. You really liked a dress and feel like buying it. But imagine your friend says that the dress is really not that good. How would you feel under such circumstances? Would you still purchase the dress? I am sure many of us would not buy that dress. (This especially more true in women who are shown to conform to group slightly more.)
On the other hand if you receive negative opinion after your purchase, this too leads to dissonance and your mind will make up more justifications for your choice.
The Evolutionary perspective
While the quotes like the above are impressive and motivating, we can’t ignore the evolutionary fact that the genes which made individuals to give f**k to others’ opinions survived whereas most ‘rebel’ genes seem to have perished. So there must be some evolutionary benefits to embracing opinion of others.
From evolutionary standpoint it is easy to understand why opinion of an individual of other sex, especially ‘attractive’ one, matters. The individual (and the gene which influenced it) who took necessary action/approach upon cognising other’s opinion, reproduced better and thrived. In similar way opinion from respected individuals boost one’s self-esteem. I have elaborated this in other articles, how self-esteem leads to better reproduction and survival. The same evolutionary mechanisms are at work today, but under different contexts.
The interesting thing is conforming to opinions of ‘others’, i.e society and culture in general (for example buying a house to meet societal expectations). This may look to be favouring theory of ‘group selection’ ^, however if we look closely there is still ‘selfishness’ involved in adhering to opinions of others. This is explained through concept of game theory and reciprocal altruism in evolutionary psychology.
Interaction on a day to day basis with ‘others’ can be modeled as a kind of non-zero sum game, where the trade-off is between two choices.
- Play selfish. (Ignoring others’ opinions in our discussion.)
- Be altruistic/Accommodate. (Respect and adhere to others’ opinions)
Both through reasoning and simulation it has been shown that best ‘strategy’ to fare well in a ‘non zero sum game(of living)’ is some versions of ‘Tit-For-Tat’ strategies. Your actions will be remembered for really long time and accordingly responded to. So it is best to cooperate i.e be in good terms with ‘others’.
An individual who maximises his friendships and minimizes his antagonisms will have an evolutionary advantage, and selection should favour those characters that promote the optimization of personal relationships.
— Robert Wright from The Moral Animal
We are products of our evolution and same mechanisms influence our behaviours in several different contexts.
Art of not giving a f**k
So should we really fight our tendency to give importance to others’ opinions? We must acknowledge that for most part this tendency serves us well, for several behavioural studies have shown how one’s biases effect one’s judgement of others. Do not care to adhere to your collegue’s opinions? It indirectly effects his judgements and behaviour in future interactions, which in turn may effect your future actions.
However ‘drowning’ in others’ opinions is a problem, as Steve Jobs said. But when we are fighting this tendency, we are fighting our evolution. To help you with it, I will stop here and recommend you the book below, which seems to convey
Giving a f**k is inevitable. Chose only those which really matter. ^^
Notes:
1^ I am not elaborating group selection theory here, since it has been discarded mostly. It was believed that behavior of animals could affect their survival and reproduction as groups, speaking for instance of actions for the good of the species.
2^^ Implementing this will still not be easy. I think sustained meditational practices can help.
