Divorcing a Cheater — Does Acceptance Mean I’m Happy?

Photo by Marcus Ganahl on Unsplash

Stages of Grief

We are allowed to grieve when we get a divorce, right? I have often said I think being cheated on and getting divorced has been harder on me than if my cheater had just died. At least I would have gotten to keep the money, property, cars, furniture, and all the other stuff that he got. And I would have gotten sympathy, casseroles, and I could have moved on much more easily without all the baggage that comes with getting past the pain of betrayal and divorce. In addition to losing him and everything we had built together over 42 years of marriage, I had to process everything that I had found out about his massive betrayals over a number of years.

He was an international airline pilot. Yeah, I should have known I guess but how would I? He apparently portrayed himself as divorced and about 10 years younger than he actually was. So he had me, a main chick in some slummy overseas place, and a bunch of side chicks in other overseas places. They mostly didn’t speak English. And none of us girls ever crossed paths. Until technology outed him. And eventually divorce had to happen.

We were a normal family until we weren’t. We had two kids, a girl and a boy, we lived in nice houses, had good jobs, retirement plans — all the normal couple stuff. We were going to retire in about three years when the stuff hit the fan. So my grief is real and has taken a while to process. We got divorced almost three years ago and haven’t lived together for much longer than that thanks to how long the divorce process takes. My dreams and plans exploded into pain and loss.

But back to the Stages of Grief. I looked it up and there are either five or seven, depending on how deeply a person wants to dive into everything. Psychiatrist Elisabeth Kubler-Ross first introduced the concept of five stages of grief. Perhaps that was not enough for some people because there are now seven according to some. Grief is a process.

The (Original) Five Stages of Grief:

1. Denial — Doubting the reality, shock, numbness. Oh yes! I certainly experienced all of that. I lost 20 pounds in about two weeks.
2. Anger — A redirection of the pain that, for some, might make it easier to bear. Irritability, bitterness, anxiety, rage, and impatience are some other ways this might manifest as coping mechanisms. I am not an angry or confrontational person, so the intensity of my anger was very frightening. And difficult to control. I did not like this stage at all.
3. Bargaining — Being willing to sacrifice anything and everything to have life return to “normal.” Thinking in terms of “what if” and “if only” to try to regain some control of the situation. Yes, that loss of internal control was hard to deal with.
4. Depression — Facing reality and feeling sad and, for me at least, pretty hopeless. This was has been hanging around and won’t leave me alone. I feel sorry for myself a lot.
5. Acceptance — The final step. The victory, if you will, is Acceptance. So now that I have accepted that this happened to me and have gone through stages 1–4, I am supposed to be happy? Really? Why should I be happy? and HOW can I be happy when my life was shattered into a million pieces and even though I have rebuilt as much as I could, my future is not too rosy as far as finances and a potential life partner are concerned.

The (New) Seven Stages of Grief:

This adaptation is usually known as the Kübler-Ross Change Curve. It extends the five core stages of grief to seven overlapping stages:

1. Shock. Intense and sometimes paralyzing surprise at the loss. Oh yes, I was shocked alright! That does not begin to describe it.
2. Denial. Disbelief and the need to look for evidence to confirm the loss. Yes again, I spent about two years researching infidelity and doing recon to try to see what my ex was doing.
3. Anger and frustration. A mix between acknowledgment that some things have changed and anger toward this change. This one is very hard to get through but I think I might be almost there.
4. Depression. Lack of energy and intense sadness. This one is the hardest for me. Feeling hopeless and that life is just too much, but having to go on anyway. This is tough.
5. Testing. Experimenting with the new situation to discover what it actually means in your life. Well yes, I tried dating and all that and it was just like being back in high school. I guess the male/female dynamics just don’t change no matter how old you are.
6. Decision. A rising optimism about learning how to manage the new situation. No optimism here. I bought a house, a car (well actually three cars over a couple of years), I’m still working very hard at a job. But I’m not terribly optimistic.
7. Integration. Acceptance of the new reality, reflection on what you learned, and stepping out in the world as a renewed person. Not renewed. Resigned. I have a new set of friends and a LOT of activities to keep me busy and occupied. But there is a sad place within me that I think will always be there.

Therapy

Yes, I eventually got a therapist. I was having horrible memory issues. Both short term memory and long term memory. I told my doctor during my annual physical and she recommended that I get tested for dementia. So I did and the results were that I was depressed, not demented. Apparently some of the side affects of dementia and depression are the same. So, I have retained a therapist.

My therapist is currently at a loss as to how to help me though. She says I have everything going for me but I am just not feeling it. I do all the right stuff: Exercise, active social life, online and in-person support groups. I do all that but I am still sad and depressed. And to be very honest, and I do hate to admit this, I miss my ex. Very much.

Becoming “Friends”

My ex and I are on friendly terms now. I can actually converse with him and not feel angry and not yell and cuss at him. We do have two kids together so we will be forever tied by them. I took care of him after he had a heart attack and a sextuple bypass. And we have a lifetime of stuff accumulated that he is now going through since it was stored on his property 22 years ago when we got a wild hair and moved to Florida and left it all behind. The memories he has uncovered are powerful. Apparently I kept EVERYTHING.

So where do I go from here is the question. And I really have no answers.