It was the End and I Could No Longer Deny It
No one could make me do it. No one could have made me stop talking to you, or to remove you from my socials. No one, ever.
I would scoff at past therapists who would tell me what to do. I would disagree entirely and vehemently. I would find another therapist.
Until I was ready. And now, I am ready. I am ready not because anyone in the world could have convinced me to. I am ready because I have reached the precipice of change. I am ready because I’ve been through so much hurt, I’ve reached the end of the line, the edge of the cliff. I had reached the point that my sanity was on the line.
That’s when I knew. The moment I sought help and was diagnosed with depression, I recognized I could not go on deluding myself in the name of love. I could not continue my path of self-destruction, and so I decided of my own free will and volition to move past it, to move past him. Trust me when I say, if this was not the only way, I wouldn’t have chosen to. I was that addicted. I wanted him that bad. I cared about him that much.
I wanted to keep him in my life in any capacity — enough to silence my own voice, go against my own reason.
Until I reached a point that I no longer could.
This was my turning point, and perhaps, some of us reach it sooner, some later. It took me 2 years to leave, and even still, I love him.
If you are stuck, know that I feel for you. Know that my compassion extends beyond myself. Know that I understand you are your own worst critic, and that no one can make you feel worse than the hell you have put yourself in — in the name of love. I have been there and I have felt that, and perhaps you are still stuck in it. I understand you. And it is ok.
I believe in you. I know you can. In your own time, at your own pace. No one is rushing you to figure yourself or the situation out. You do you. Learn to love yourself enough that if it bothers you so much, don’t delude yourself into thinking the pieces are enough.
And you have my support. I understand.
Thank you for listening.
