My Intention Mattered in Healing from My Ex-Affair
and how my healing journey is going, 10 weeks in.
What made this time different from the countless other attempts? What made healing finally within my grasp, finally possible? What made breaking free from the addiction, the passion, and the magnetic pull a true possibility?
What finally freed me to say goodbye, and to genuinely mean it from my heart? After deep introspection spanning a year of facing hard truths, putting in countless effort, and through bitter tears and heartache, I learned this:
It is my intention that gave me the hope. My intention that freed me. And it is my newly shaped perspective and gratefulness that propels me forward in my long healing journey. Intention matters. Perspective matters. And I have changed my own mind.
The thing is, in looking back now, I see how I tried to delude myself time and again in order to keep him. In order to keep the affair, its whirlwind of feelings, of validation, of passion, of specialness — even of love — alive. Because the moment I faced my reality, this whole thing would collapse, and it would be unbearable to lose someone who had come to grow so important, so valuable, so dear to me. Someone I care for deeply and love indisputably. Someone as familiar as the back of my hand, however forbidden it was to grow that close.
Throughout the two-year affair, I wrestled constantly with walking away or holding on. Every time we had our stolen moments, every time we had a supportive conversation or any contact, every time I had unlimited orgasms ... god, I wanted it to continue. I wanted us to keep going. I lived for the next time. Yet every time without fail, in the silence and distance that followed, I wished the hurt and the rejection — that knowing of never being chosen or prioritized, never mattering enough — would just end. That either the discomfort would go away, or that I could learn to live with never being first place.
Yet ... every time I initiated limited contact or tried to cut him out, to go silent, or to gain distance, what would happen is that in my heart, I had hoped he would notice my absence. I had hoped he missed me too, that he would do something about it, by either reaching out or initiating contact. Something, anything, that showed me he still cared and needed me too. My hidden intention was for him to find me, to want me, to validate me, to choose me.
My intention wasn’t for me to heal. Instead, I harbored a deeper, secret intention of finally being chosen, of finally being loved. And I fed myself this hope so that I could continue this ex-affair of mine. Otherwise, I knew I wouldn’t be able to give so fully to someone I knew wasn’t capable of returning these feelings, of loving me back. Back then, I was not honest with myself about my intentions, of living in a fantasy, so I was never able to truly move away. When in those moments of silence, all I really wanted was for him to stay.
At times in the silence of weeks and months, he did reach out. At times, he didn’t. But regardless, at that time, we were colleagues. Despite the distance or the silence, despite our feelings at any given time, we had to communicate professionally. But then that initiated contact made us comfortable again with the other, and enabled us to fall right back in. You see, neither of us really wanted to lose the other, so we did use the work excuse as a reason to not fully end it. We went back and forth, and each time, I felt more stuck. Each time, my heart broke just a bit more.
My intention then was to be loved, to be desired, to be wanted by him. It had to be him because of all the feelings he was evoking in me ... right? No one can understand our connection ... right? When we stopped talking those countless times, I was counting down minutes and days or weeks til I could see him again or expect to hear from him again. I always intended for us to eventually figure it out. I always held out that hope of a possibility of us. Even when deep down I knew it was an impossibility, because he could not, would not, choose me.
But do you know what happened when my intention changed? This happened progressively over the past year since I took the time and effort to truly heal. It was slow, yet it did change, my intention. There were too many hopes that were disappointed, too many times of being let down. Finally, I learned to be genuine in my intention; no more hidden agendas, no more harbored hopes.
My intention now is to continue marching forward to where there is peace and light. Where there is calm. Where I don’t have to chase, to manipulate, to fight hard to change someone’s mind to love me who does not. My intention is to wish for his happiness, even from afar, and knowing we will both be just all right. You see, when my intentions changed, I had a purpose to fight for. I chose myself and my mental health, first.
I work today to understand the me that made those continuous choices and stood by them, defended them, refused to let them go despite what anyone told me. Despite how much it hurt me. I work now to accept the me that’s working through the profound loss of someone who meant so much when he wasn’t available for me to love ... and through the silent grief, the me who is putting in effort to grow from the painful lessons. Trying is enough.
My perspective has changed so much in this past year that I have been working on giving myself the love and understanding I so yearned for from an unavailable man. I used to view him, his time, his bare minimum effort, his lack of effort, as something limiting ... something I had to fight for or initiate for. I had a scarcity mindset and that left me anxious and panicked. This inherently left me more unfulfilled and insecure; it made me lose my confidence and my self-belief.
In this personal journey of mine, I learned to view things in abundance. My mindset has shifted. Even though it has ended, I appreciate all those special moments and all these feelings I was able to feel, exhibit, and share, because of him and for him. It was never limited, because my love knew no bounds. I can still love him, I can still care, even now, even after — perhaps forever. I can still miss and long for as long as I want to, for as long as I need. That is ok.
But the one thing I cannot do, is to put myself back in a position where I know I will falter again. Where I will put myself through hell again. I will not break my own heart again. I choose to not lose my sanity again. I know undoubtedly that with him, and not being chosen, I will lose myself, my self-worth, and my self-love again. So I stay away, and I stay away for my own peace of mind. My intention is pure. It is one of forgiveness, healing, and peace. It is not one that secretly yearns for him to reach back out. There is no anger, or resentment, or ill-will. There is only love, so much love that instead of sharing it with him, I will share it with the world ... with my partner, with my family, with my friends ... with those who can gladly receive that love and reciprocate it.
That is how I know I am making small progress, because I can applaud myself for seeing the reality and not the fantasy I had so hoped for.
My intention is for his happiness. It’s for his peace and his peace of mind. I genuinely want the best for him, I cheer and root for him in my heart, this ex-AP of mine. I just don’t want to be there to see it.
But I have learned you do not need someone there to love them. The love exists in other forms, from the moments that sometimes creep up, to the reminders. But it also lives in the acceptance of knowing that there is beauty in letting go of what isn’t meant for you for a lifetime, of letting go of a beautiful season. Of wishing them well from afar. To bring the focus on what you can control, which is growing my own self-love, my own self-validation. I truly lost myself, and now I am re-finding myself. I am liking this new version that is learning that things don’t need to be permanent to have been real. I am empowered knowing that things don’t need to last forever to have made a deep impact. That intention matters. When setbacks inevitably come, I am learning to cope with the losses I never wanted but am forced to accept. I am accepting it all.
I think this ex-affair of mine has taught me so profoundly about life and about myself, things I would otherwise not have learned. Forced me to face the dark and the ugly, but also the raw and the complex sides of me I otherwise wouldn’t have encountered.
For that, I am grateful.
Thank you for listening.
