Infidelity and the Truth
You have to fess up.
This year, after months of lurking, I got a Medium account and published my first piece of writing. The interest in my story of ending my marriage through an emotional affair was humbling. Even more surprising, many people were intrigued that I still remain in a relationship and marriage that started with an affair.
I’ve said before that I take issue with the term “Once a cheater, always a cheater.” But then, I would say that, right? Except, of course, since leaving to be with my affair partner, I’ve been a loving partner and father for over a decade. So, “Once a cheater, always a cheater” is not always true. What is true is that every cheater is working through some sort of trauma. Be it past or present, people involved in infidelity are going through some heavy emotional shit.
As marriage expert Mira Kirshenbaum writes in her book Why Good People Have Affairs, “…maybe good people don’t do horrible things, but they do make horrible mistakes. They get in over their heads.”
Later she writes, “For [good people], an affair may be the best way they know how to figure out what to do with love in their lives. It might be a mistake, but it’s also an insight — something has been missing, something isn’t working right, something needs to change.”
Kirshenbaum’s book is the best book I’ve read (aside from Esther Perel’s State of Affairs) on infidelity. It’s the kind of book I wish I had read all those years ago. More than a manual on how those who are caught up in an affair can navigate their way out of it, the book takes a clear-eyed, compassionate view of infidelity. It looks at affairs as symptoms of an emotional trial that the adulterer must confront for their own sake.
Let’s face it, even in the best of times, marriage is a serious and painful business. But it’s one that so many of us enter with complete ignorance. I know I did. My first time around, I had constant warning signs telling me to take an off-ramp. Looking at that chapter of my past with hindsight is often difficult. With absolute certainty, I can point to the times my gut was telling me to break things off with my then girlfriend/wife.
But I kept missing the mark. I was a good person, after all. And good people don’t hurt others. Good people stick it out through thick and thin. That’s what I told myself. My ex-wife used to have a saying: “I’d rather you disappoint me than lie to me.” But, honestly, the shame and fear I felt at letting her down compelled me to withhold my feelings from her.
I tried to do whatever it took to keep conflicts to a minimum and make her happy. Of course, part of that meant honestly communicating with her … which I gradually stopped doing. Especially when we fought. So, when conflicts erupted (with increasing frequency as our marriage progressed), I shut down. It was easier to listen to her and say “I’m sorry” so as to end the fight.
Instead of turning towards my ex-wife, and actually confronting the issues between us, I pretended things were okay. But they weren’t. My gut was telling me it just wasn’t working, and I should’ve listened to it. I didn’t, though. And, instead of disappointing her, I lied to my ex-wife in the worst way. And that’s on me.
Wounds from the past can only heal from the truth, so now in my second marriage I am taking responsibility for what I got wrong the first time. Accepting my partner for who they are and not for who I want them to be. Being grateful for the life we have and the partnership we share together. Understanding that happiness doesn’t come from other people but from ourselves. Indeed, happiness isn’t a destination, but a process of effort along the way.
It’s not easy and, honestly, I’ve done a LOT of self-reflection. Consistent journaling, reading self-help sources and seeking out a trusted therapist and some friends have done wonders. But, more importantly, confronting the truth of what I got right and what I got wrong in my first marriage has been the key. Accepting that I am not perfect and learning to forgive myself have been the only way to move forward.
At the end of day, the only person who can forgive you … is you. And that only comes after you’ve admitted and accepted your actions. Good people learn from their mistakes. Don’t let anyone ever tell you it can’t be done. It can … but YOU have to make a choice to do better.
Not for your spouse and not for your affair partner … for yourself.
