To Close the Chapter, I had to Honor My Truth
But he will forever be written in the history of my life.
I am someone who has to be understood by those I care about deeply. The worst thing that could possibly happen is to be misunderstood — or to leave things unsaid. I cannot leave stones unturned or leave room for regret. I gave 120%, physically, mentally, emotionally.
In this perspective, I did all that I could, shared all that I can. Likeaphoenix said it best — I gave him all my love, and in turn, he taught me self-love. Throughout, my ex-AP knew how I struggled and how difficult it was for me to fall knowing there wasn’t going to be someone to catch me. Even still, I allowed myself to fall utterly and completely into it. He allowed me to as well even whilst holding back, from falling in himself.
We had a few heart-to-heart conversations throughout the entirety of the affair. Open, heartfelt, vulnerable talks. At first it was dancing around the topic, it was very PC. But then one time, it got really bad, I thought I’d lost him forever. So, I wrote an entire essay saying goodbye, helping him to understand, me. In return, he wrote an essay helping me to understand him. And so, we understood. But the affair continued anyway because we could not stay away from each other. However, I look back and am so thankful for that understanding we shared.
We were never aligned or on the same page on what we wanted, and that was problematic. He wanted something fun and easy, because it could never be anything more (read: he was never going to leave his girlfriend or life). I wanted something deeper. We both tried, we did. To be honest, I’m not completely sure I would have left my partner or upended my life either. But I wanted the depth, with him. Despite this, we held on anyway, with all the back and forth. The hot and cold. The intimacy, then the distance. We held on for two years. It got exhausting. And even worse, it was causing both of us to become tired of the situation, of one another. He said I was needy (for expecting a text within a reasonable time aka not a few days/week). I thought he was emotion-less; I saw his distance and nonchalance and grew resentful. We were crumbling.
And so as we kept pushing and pulling, discontentment grew. It was starting to get ugly. I think facing reality allowed me to have that conversation with him in the best light. I think giving forgiveness to the other allows me to give forgiveness to myself.
In the end, he knew how much he meant to me. He knew the extent of my feelings, the scale of my love. But the outcome was never dependent on that. Feelings are never enough. Commitment and choice are, neither of which were ever on the table. It just took me two years to realize, but better late than never.
Even still, getting off this roller coaster ride and looking back at it as objectively as possible, without strongly evoked feelings and clouded judgement, was the most authentic thing I could have done for myself. I don’t regret him, but I do regret the pain inflicted, known and unknown.
I have learned something so valuable from this. I learned that I am not dependent on someone for my worth and value. What I lacked or expected from my dopamine-source, I have full ability to provide for myself. I have learned to build myself back up, self-validate, self-love (something that was so elusive to me I didn’t Realize I was lacking). I learned that seemingly impossible things are indeed possible. I thought I wouldn’t be able to leave, much less to recover. And here I am, healing at my own pace and in my own time. I am trying every day. I am processing the losses as well as the lessons.
But looking back, that conversation and then the final one last month, truly allowed me to move forward. The invisible chains, the trauma bonds, were cut. And finally, I was released — even though I never wanted to lose him. We left out of care, out of love, so it wouldn’t have amounted to bitterness and resentment both ways. We ended it the best way we could even though we were not discovered or forced to.
We chose to. I chose to. And that brings me great joy to know at least this was within my control when nothing else was. For so long I lost control of my emotions, that reigning that back in, having control of myself and my life again, felt empowering in a way I had forgotten. Choosing me and my heart and my needs. Staying true to myself. It was an integral lesson in life that I gained from this experience. It’s something I’ll take with me always. For that I’ll always be grateful to him. I showed him my heart and in turn, learned to cherish mine.
He’ll always be written in the history of my heart.
