Emotional Courage

A not-so-secret secret.

I’ve always wanted to be my own boss. I have grand ideas of speaking to groups of people about the power of storytelling, the ups and downs of living with a brain disorder, how important laughter is, how to be kinder to ourselves — plus all the other things that aren’t coming to mind right now.

When I was in high school, I can clearly remember telling folks I wanted to be a motivational speaker, but then rolling my eyes and judging that choice as silly, and unsustainable, and irrational. Yet, here I am, over half a lifetime later, still wanting to do the same thing.

I met with a new therapist last week, and I spoke to her about all the things I wanted to do, and after providing her with the abridged version of my life story, she pointed out that I’m already doing most of the things already. I’m just not making a living out of it. I have hobbies. I’ve never given myself the space to really explore how I would feel if I made this my reality. I haven’t felt the fear and done it anyway, to paraphrase a quote found somewhere on the internet, said by a famous person I can’t remember.

Well, that’s not entirely true. I’ve had glimpses of how it would make me feel (answer: awesome). However, I also have the equivalent of a helicopter parent serving as my ego, telling me it’s unsafe, don’t go there, it’s too risky, familiar is better than fulfilling, etc.

Would I limit myself to public speaking? No. I also want to write, and to continue to blog, to maybe do a podcast or vlog or one of those things, and lately, I’ve been thinking a whole bunch about becoming an audio book narrator. Furthermore, I want to attend conferences. I want to do all of these things to be who I am supposed to be. And I don’t want to have to squeeze all of this in between the spaces where I’m spending quality time with my family and friends, or working my “real job.”

Side note: A goal this year is to become a freaking expert on raising a kid with ADHD.

I’m preoccupied with big dreams. I’m preoccupied with the looming annual checkup with my doctor tomorrow. I’m preoccupied with getting enough sleep so I can get out of bed and be conscious enough to really get lost in the splendor of the lunar eclipse tomorrow morning.

Be patient. ← That’s a note to myself.

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