Overcoming Shame and Learning To Forgive for Past Mistakes

At an early age we are taught to forgive those who have caused us harm. We might even find ourselves forgiving the same person more than once, but we do it because it is something we are taught to simply do. While this is an important skill to develop, we often don’t discuss the importance of self-forgiveness. This can lead us to not learn from our mistakes and make them over and over again.

Forgiveness is often defined as accepting your mistakes, understanding the hurt you have caused, letting go of the feelings of anger and resentment that you have toward someone or something that happened. It is normal, even healthy to feel bad about harming another individual, but it is not healthy to continually beat ourselves up about something that can no longer be changed. Guilt and shame can really affect us when trying to forgive ourselves for past mistakes and it is important for us to differentiate each one and learn how to deal with these emotions.

When I was five years old I was sexually molested by a family friend for several months and kept quiet until was 17 years old. Once I shared what happened to me to my parents I felt free. No more secrets. I remember thinking, I can live a normal life. I can cry. I can laugh. I can feel. Unfortunately, these feelings did not last long. During my healing process I started therapy. Therapy was the opposite of what I thought it would be. One thing they don’t tell you is, healing is difficult. Healing sucks. Healing is long process of blood, sweat, and tears. It was something I wasn’t prepared for and unwilling to do so I stopped going.

A few months after, I found myself slowly spiraling out of control. I was around people who didn’t care about me, I was drinking, self-sabotaging and doing everything I could to hurt myself. After a two-year toxic relationship I had a moment to self-reflect. I didn’t like the person starring back at me in the mirror. I felt a great deal of shame for all the hurt I caused to friends and family. I no longer thought about my hurt, my feelings, or why I was acting the way I was. All I knew was, people were hurt, and I was to blame for it. I decided I needed to make a change. I started to do everything we’re told to do in order to “heal.” The most difficult part about self-forgiveness is learning to not be ashamed. But how could you not, right? My biggest lesson throughout this process was learning how to separate guilt and shame.

Guilt and shame are commonly confused because the feelings can feel very similar due to them both making us feel bad about something we did. Shame is an emotion that can become debilitating for someone because it makes you feel bad about the person you are; if the feeling is not resolved it can lead to low self-esteem. On the other hand, when a person experiences guilt, they tend to feel bad about what they did wrong. Those who experience guilt are able to understand what they did wrong, take the appropriate steps to correct the behavior, and move forward with their life — whereas with shame you are not able to move on from your mistakes. Shame will likely cause us to continue to make the same mistakes it blinds us from being able to see the issue as a whole.

Once you are able differentiate these two emotions and know where you stand, whether it is shame or guilt, you are then ready to commit to the process of self-forgiveness. Below are the steps I took that helped me forgive myself for my own past mistakes.

1. Recognize unrealistic expectations

You are not perfect, but no one is either! This will not be the first or last time you make a mistake, and the faster you learn from it and move on, then the happier you will be.

2. Identify the stress and hurt that it caused you

If you hurt someone or made a mistake it is okay to feel upset even if you are not the one that was directly hurt. It is healthy to feel bad about your actions, that makes you aware. Learn from it, reflect, and change those wrong behaviors.

3. Embrace who you are

Love your imperfections as much as you love the great things about you. You have to live with yourself every single day, learn to love and thank yourself because no one else is going to do it for you.

4. Do not be afraid to start new

You made a mistake, but that does not mean you are not able to change who you are because of it. Humans learn new things, learn new habits, change their minds, and you have every right to do each one of those things daily. Do not allow one mistake to cause you to stay the same. Do not allow a person or persons influence you to repeat past mistakes, you are able to change for the better.

Why Shame and Guilt Are Functional For Mental Health. (2019, July 4). Retrieved from https://positivepsychology.com/shame-guilt/

Engel, B. (2017, June 1). Healing Your Shame and Guilt Through Self-Forgiveness. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-compassion-chronicles/201706/healing-your-shame-and-guilt-through-self-forgiveness