How to Unfuck 50? Return to Earth

Listen, you won the lucky egg-sperm club. You were born at a rare time in human history when survival is really fucking easy. You survived childbirth, and don’t have to worry about dying from an animal attack or cut on your finger. Food is cheap and available nearly everywhere. Water comes in a variety of flavors in bottles and cans. Movement is pretty much optional. Shelter… well shelter (and coffee ) is really fucking expensive. Yes, climate change, wars, and serious human suffering need to be addressed, but it’s hard to make a case that any other epoch of human existence was better than now. Except maybe the 19990s, but in the vast expanse of time, that’s the same as today.

Our problem is we don’t live on the same planet as our ancestors. Our parents (if you are a 50ish-year-old) were born before the microwave, telephones had chords, and nearly all meals were eaten at home. Our grandparents were born when bicycles were the predominant mode of transportation. Their parents were likely laborers on a farm or in a factory. Go back a few more generations and life wasn’t much different than when humans started farming 10,000 years ago.

Our lives are very different than our parents and nothing like our ancestors a couple hundred years ago. We are like space travelers who landed on an Earth-like planet, where food is abundant and we sit around, basking in the ease and comfort of our newfound Eden, unaware that it’s slowly killing us with diabetes, heart disease, cancer, and dementia.

So how do we get back to Earth?

Accepting that our culture is what’s killing us is the first step. And once you accept that, it’s like Santa Clause, once you know it, you can’t unknow it. So this is your Keaneu Reeves moment. Take the blue pill and say, “Fuck it,” live in our dominant culture, and face the consequences. Or choose Morpheus’s red pill and figure out how to leave our Earth-like environment and get back to Earth by making the changes you, and all of us, need to do to unfuck ourselves.

Returning to Earth means unfucking how you eat, move, and rest

Unfucking Food

This seems hard because food, especially the highly processed food we love, is all around us. But that actually makes it easier. You need to create an environment that is devoid of the highly palatable food that drives rapid, repetitive eating. What you eat determines how much you eat. If you dig into the chips, sugary drinks, baked goods, etc., you will eat way past what’s healthy because very few of us have the self-control to stop after eating “just one.” So get that shit out of the house and if it’s served at a drive-thru, it’s not for you. If you don’t think you can do it, you can. Remove one thing at a time. Sugary drinks, including alcohol, are a great place to start, then sweets, chips, and fried foods. Success breeds success. Step up for yourself, remember your purpose, and find like-minded people who are in it with you.

Unfucking Movement.

Living organisms are made to move. Humans are no exception. Every organism needs to move to find energy, which gives it the ability to procreate and pass on its genes. If you don’t move, your cells malfunction, then die and you get a horrible NCD and die. So while some asshole once said you can’t outrun your fork, no diet in the world will save you from sitting on your ass.

Where you engineered highly processed food out of your life, you need to engineer movement into your life. Schedule it, preferably when you have the most willpower, which means wake up and work out. The best workout is the one you will do. So start with what you like the most. Ideally, you do resistance training to stave off sarcopenia. If you want to live longer, add 2–3 long, slow runs or rides (Zone 2) a week. If you want to be the best you can be, add a HIIT day. It’s not about a beach body or seeing your abs. It is all about maintaining and building your muscle mass (for strength and power), increasing your cardiovascular capacity (Vo2 max), and improving the quality and quantity of your mitochondria.

Unfucking Rest.

Sleep is the least controversial. Get your sleep. 7–8 hours. When you get restful sleep, everything is better — less stress, more willpower, better decisions. When you sleep long and well; you are repaired and prepared for your life ahead. Many assholes proclaim, “I’ll sleep when I’m dead.” Well, don’t buy into the machismo, if you are a great sleeper, you will likely attend their funeral.

In summary, to return to Earth, don’t eat highly processed food, work out almost daily, and sleep well. It’s not rocket science. What makes it hard is our culture. But culture is like a tire rut. You fall into and follow the rut everyone else is in unless you give it some gas to jump out and follow a new, healthier path. You’re fucking 50, give it some gas!

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