“The Gaze”: Self Validation Through Social Media
A Cultural Examination // By Madi Johnson
“When I can’t see myself I begin to wonder if I really and truly exist. I pat myself just to make sure, but it doesn’t help much.”
This comment, spoken by the character Estelle, is one of the most famous lines in existentialist philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre’s play No Exit because it represents the phenomenon of “the gaze.” The gaze is the idea that our own identities are shaped by how we believe we appear to others, and it forms a tenet of existentialist philosophy.
In No Exit, several characters find themselves in hell. Hell does not consist of fiery pits, but instead, it is a room without a mirror nor an exit. The character Estelle descends into madness because, without a reflection of herself, she is not convinced that she exists. She is obsessed, in particular, with trying to capture the gaze of male romantic interests, or, self-validity through the perception of herself taken by male counterparts. Sartre’s philosophy about the gaze is more present than ever in our society. I would argue, however, that it manifests through one specific medium for modern women (and men): Smartphone apps.
Whether I’m working in a coffee shop, walking through Midtown Manhattan, or hanging out on a friend’s roof, I find myself surrounded by the same image: I look around, and everyone’s face is illuminated by the faint glow of an iPhone screen as they refresh Instagram, Facebook, or Snapchat for notifications. Instead of fixating on how other people in a store or restaurant view us, we are all fixated on how our social media followers view us. We carefully cultivate and broadcast images of how we wish to appear, and with each “like,” we feel validated. This process — of posting and validating — is rooted in insecurity. Young women, including myself, are obsessed with controlling how we physically appear to those around us, especially to potential romantic interests.
There are definitely larger problems in this world, but this issue exists nonetheless — by letting others validate our worth, we allow them to dictate our self-confidence and lose control over our own self-efficacy. We stop pursuing dreams and wearing clothes that we enjoy, instead following paths and making purchases based on what we think is appealing to others. We go places that are picturesque, “Instagram-worthy”, and prioritize photo opportunities over random, novel experiences. In theory, if everyone were to succumb to this phenomenon, the unique identities that make our communities colorful, diverse, and interesting would no longer exist.
Sometimes I wish I could tell ourselves to stop, to encourage myself and other young women to ignore external gazes and focus on our internal gazes. I wish all of this, but I’m not naive. I understand that it’s difficult and frightening to transcend social norms that have become so deeply ingrained in society. And I don’t expect these apps to disappear anytime soon.
I’ve come to the conclusion that we must learn to adjust to the ever-changing environments we live in — whenever we feel frustrated over social media we must remember to push ourselves to refocus, to switch our attention to be engaged with whatever or whomever we’re with, looking at, or participating in. In other words: Be present. The concept of “being present” may sound abstract or overused, but there are concrete strategies to be present, many of which are rooted in mindfulness — the mental state of “complete awareness of one’s thoughts, emotions, or experiences on a moment-to-moment basis” (Merriam-Webster). You don’t have meditate or master complex yoga poses to be mindful. Mindfulness is really just about maximizing your self-awareness, and its principles can be applied to any situation.
Some top mindfulness tips that have helped me include:
- In a conversation, focus on what the other person is saying rather than zoning out
- When reading, slowly absorb each sentence instead of skimming over paragraphs
- If I’m feel especially stressed or anxious, I breathe in for three counts, hold my breath for three counts, slowly exhale, and repeat several times
- Ensure my desk and room are clean — decluttering physical spaces helps me feel more mentally organized
- If I feel confused or overwhelmed by a situation, I revisit one of my favorite creative writing strategies: set a timer for 10 minutes, open up a Word document, and write down whatever comes to my mind on the subject without editing anything. Once the timer goes off, I re-read my unedited response in an attempt to try to understand my train of thoughts on the issue at hand
- When I find myself frustrated by social media, I put my iPhone on airplane mode, temporarily pausing cell service and WiFi, and I walk or sit outside for 15 minutes in silence, focusing on the sounds, sights, and smells around me. (Apple actually introduced a feature called “Screen Time” in its iOS 12 update that allows users to track and limit their app usage in efforts to limit psychological issues related to overuse.)
By embracing mindfulness principles, we can calm our cluttered minds. Moreover, we can effectively invert Sartre’s idea of “the gaze.” Instead of allowing others’ gazes of us to impact our self-images, let’s use our gazes of others — and of our physical world — to be present and recognize the diverse beauty all around us. I don’t want any woman to ever feel like Estelle, left wondering if she even exists without a mirror… We only have one life to live, and I want all of us to live it presently, confidently, and compassionately. Not through a screen, but through our own eyes.
