Bravery is the key to saving life from boredom
And other things you’re not happy with.
Last night, I came across this immensely uplifting blog post by Sarah which goes to the essence of what bravery is: http://itstartswith.com/2013/04/bravery/. One paragraph particularly struck me:
Bravery doesn’t always feel like bravery.
It can feel like whirl-wind, mind-bending, all-changing upset, filled with unpredictable whims and whammies, stomach upset and nervous twitters, body aches, starts and stops, trial and error, and a whole lot of messy.
I don’t know whether I can call myself a brave person, but I know I can relate to the “whole lot of messy” she described. Here are two memorable instances in my life when I constantly asked myself, “What the hell am I doing here???” but still managed to stay on and push through to the end. (You can judge. Maybe I am brave. Maybe I am just hopelessly idealistic with a tinge of masochism.)
Going to Copenhagen for COP 15
For those of you who are unfamiliar with United Nations parlance, the full title for “COP 15" is the 15th Conference of the Parties to the United Nations Framework Convention on Climate Change. It was held in Copenhagen, Denmark in December 2009. As soon as I saw my university’s invitation for application to the student observer delegation, I applied without a moment’s thought and passed the selection interview by a stroke of fortune. I felt like I could explode with happiness. Going to northern Europe for a cause that I’d always deeply believed in sounded too good to be true.
And…it was. On the 10-people delegation, I was the youngest and most inexperienced. The others all had an incredible profile of their own: doing a PhD in environmental engineering, having their own NGO startup, having already been to the Bali conference last year…Compared to them, my experience of joining Model United Nations conferences in secondary school seemed negligible. I was too scared to join in their discussions. I was too afraid that my suggestions would be met with responses such as “Uh…let’s talk about that some other time.” When I was listening to their conversation about carbon cap and trade, I felt as small as a 5-year-old who was made to sit at the adults’ dining table with no permission to leave until they finished their talk. The fear-monsters in my head howled unstoppably, “Why are you here?? There has been a mistake!!! You are not entitled to join this thing.”
Yet, for some unknown reason, I managed to put on an unashamed face and stayed on the team. Since I was not brave enough to voice out directly, I endeavoured to put my suggestions into words and circulated them via email (at the end of it all, a team member said to me, “You don’t speak very much in meetings, but you write some really good emails.”) After we arrived in Copenhagen, I became close friends with another Chinese girl, who was only a year older than me, and we went to all of the COP 15 side-events together, which were programs hosted by NGOs to raise people’s awareness of climate change alongside the conference. Unlike me, she was a brave soul who was never too shy to voice out and inquire after what she believed to be good for our world. Her company motivated me to really engage with the topic of climate change and I became more enthusiastic about our journey as each day passed.
One experience that I will cherish forever is visiting the 2041 fleet and hearing the polar explorer Robert Swan deliver his heartfelt message. It was cold, gloomy and snowing as we all stood around him on the deck, much like the environment of the poles. He said to us, with a conviction that was impossible not to be touched by, “The future is in your hands. In the next 30 years, our planet will be depending on you to take any action, great or small, to make a difference and to pass this message on to the next generation.” He invited us to join his 2041 Antarctic Expedition, held in March every year, to see the vulnerable beauty of Antarctica for ourselves before it was too late. At that point, I had my ah-ha moment again, “I have to go to Antarctica.” 4 years from then, I still have no idea when and how I am going to achieve this dream, but I am incredibly grateful that Robert Swan planted this seed in me. I know that I will do it, one day, because I share his conviction and hopes for our planet.
My adventure in Copenhagen did not end with a Hollywood ending, where I was completely transformed and became a climate change expert who impressed all of my teammates. I was still small and insignificant, only with a heart and mind more refreshed, thoughtful and filled with gratitude than before.
Joining an eat-me-alive competition
Well not quite, but it did feel like one. In the course of every law student’s life, there comes a point when you are compelled to join something called a mooting competition, where you will put on fancy airs and argue your case in front of a judge like a real lawyer. I believe that every student is dead scared to do it deep down, but we do it anyway to prove that we are that smart and add another line of qualification to our CV.
When I was an exchange student at the University of Manchester, I became aware that it was a requirement for every penultimate-year law student to join the “Main Moot”, which was an internal mooting competition for the School of Law. There were 4 rounds: 2 selection rounds, 1 semi-final round and 1 final round held at the Supreme Court in London. Much like the previous story, I applied on a moment’s impulse. I knew that I would be at a disadvantage, since English was not my first language. I knew that the British took debating seriously and I could be very intimidated by them. But I went ahead anyway and felt good about my choice. (So yes, I am actually just hopelessly idealistic.)
A week before my first round, I was informed that my assigned partner was dropping out of the competition and I was left on my own to prepare the case. I was slightly bummed out, but not too affected; I am used to working independently anyway. When it was finally time for me to enter the courtroom, I realized that I was playing alone against two male British students, both tall in stature and speaking with impeccable British accents. One of them stood up first and began to address the court with an effortless grace. As he spoke, he twirled a polished fountain pen in his hands and gave off the impression of a well-trained barrister. As I watched, my jaw slightly dropping, that all-too-familiar voice started conjuring whirlpools in my head again, “What are you doing here??? Go back to where you belong and don’t mess with a different league!!!”
After taking a few deep breaths, I decided that I had nothing to lose. I would do the best I could in this round and go home. As soon as I calmed myself, I started listening hard to what he was actually saying. I found out that his line of argument was not as strong as mine and his authorities were not persuasive. I can do this. I can beat him. After he had finished, I stood up to give my own speech, rebutting his weak points and reinforcing my own arguments, all the time keeping steady eye contact with the judge and speaking with as much conviction as I could. When it was my second opponent’s turn to speak, it became obvious that he was not prepared at all and he could not rebut my arguments. I almost wanted to smile with relief. When all was over, the judge ruled that my opponents won the case because the facts were tilted in their favour, but she ranked me as the best speaker for my innovative arguments and passionate delivery.
After that, it became a lot easier to convince myself to step up my game. I argued in each round as if it were my last and received very positive comments from my peers and the judges. No one laughed about my English or tried to put me down. No one thought I was merely an exchange student and shouldn’t have a part in this competition. In the end, I wasn’t good enough to go to London for the final round of the competition, but I had already gained more than I ever dreamed of when I first signed up. It was all worth it.
If you are not happy with something — be it global warming, public speaking phobia or just bored with life in general — the only thing you have to do is to put yourself out there. You may not feel anywhere near brave in the process — “seriously, what am I doing here???” — but you will always, always emerge a better person than before (and certainly, nervous twitters and upset stomachs spice life up a bit). The most difficult part is in getting past the anticipation: thinking that you are in a different league, your schedule is too packed to do it, you have family concerns…Say no to all of these monsters. Be honest with yourself and go where your soul tells you to. Even if you don’t emerge highly successful and triumphant, you’ll thank yourself for making such a personally rewarding step later on.
Bravery sometimes manifests only in taking that step to get past your mental barrier. You will know how it changes you even though no one else can see.
