The selfish reason to be kind
We all know being kind is the right thing to do. That treating others with dignity, respect, and compassion is better than letting your fleeting frustrations make a temporary jackass out of you.
But, just like me, you’re probably not as kind as you’d like to be all the time. You might carry a negative day at work back home, and maybe you unconsciously let a little of that energy loose on your partner. You know, the person you supposedly love most dearly in the world. Maybe you don’t even stop to pet your dog (aka the actual physical manifestation of unconditional love) when he runs up to you, tail wagging furiously.
We’re all human, and even though we know kindness is always the way to go, we all mess up on this more than we’d probably like to admit.
So if knowing that it’s the right thing to do isn’t helping us actually do it more, what would?
I think the issue is in the framing. Right now, we all think about this problem in terms of how it affects other people. I’m here to suggest that instead, you should think about it in terms of how it affects you.
See, when you’re less than kind to someone, it not only unnecessarily transfers a little bit of negative energy to them, but it also leaves a ton more negative energy inside you.
Let’s say you’re at the store, and you really just want to be home. (Don’t we all?) You’ve grabbed the few things you need, and you go to stand in line for the self-checkout. After about 30 seconds, someone else wanders over to the self-checkout area and stands right in front of the line, totally oblivious to the group of people waiting patiently behind them. One stand is about to be open, and this person looks like they’re going to jump on it.
Would you get frustrated or annoyed in this situation? Maybe even offended? Maybe even condescending?
Here’s the deal: Letting those negative emotions build up inside of you hurts you more than it will ever hurt the other person. Even if you let some of them out by snapping at the guy (aka the oblivious person who most certainly was not trying to be a dick and cut you in line), you’re still stuck with the lion’s share of that residual negativity.
He’ll think to himself, “Woah dude, I wasn’t trying to cut you, I just didn’t see. What a jackass.” and move on with his day. He’ll never see you again.
You, on the other hand, have to live with you and your actions constantly. You can’t escape yourself. Basically, what I’m saying is that it’s easier to live with yourself — to feel less regret, less pain, less shame — when you’re kind all the time.
Getting worked up in the moment feels good as long as that moment lasts. Because you’re being righteous. You are literally thinking to yourself that you’re better than whatever is causing the frustration to build inside of you.
The minutiae, the boredom, the most monotonous parts of everyday life lend themselves to these little moments of frustration. Commuting, going to the grocery store, running errands, doing chores. So do moments when you’re interacting with the people you love the most—unfortunately, they’re the ones you’re most likely to take for granted.
Truth is, any time you’re interacting with others is an opportunity to either get frustrated or be kind.
Which option do you tend to choose?
Recently, I’ve started trying to let go of things on the road. Which is a huge deal for me — anyone who’s been in a car with me knows I’m not a fan of oblivious drivers. You know, the kind of people who are totally unaware of how they affect the cars around them, and probably don’t care. Also, drivers who go slow in the left lane. And ones who just hit the brakes before a turn without using their blinker. See? I have a problem.
But I’m starting to let those things go. Why? Because I don’t want to be a dick on the road?
Nope. That’s a nice side effect, but I really do it more for me. For my own peace of mind and well-being.
Because those little frustrations stay with me long after I’ve reached my destination. And I realized that I’d rather prioritize my long-term mood than my desire to feel righteous in the moment.
And you know what? While it was hard to suppress at first, now that release — the relaxation, the calming myself — in those moments is starting to feel good. In fact, just as good as feeling righteous used to.
