A Raw and Honest Look Back at 2015
note: I originally posted this on FB, but decided to post it here as well
It’s that time of year, when you start to examine your life, look at what went well, what didn’t, and everything in between.
We started the year with a significant failure and it left me in a dark and hopeless place, spiritually and emotionally bankrupt. Philip McKernan once said to me that we often hide from the world and are afraid to admit that we’re not as happy as we might appear to be on Facebook. You’re not supposed to say things like this publicly, but I spent many days at the beginning of the year wondering if the world would be a better place with me gone (which made for an interesting chapter in my new book about bouncing back). When you fail publicly, people will send you messages that read “sending love.” They all mean well, but their words bounce off of you. Some tried to help, but all I could say was “I need to do this alone.” Fortunately Brian Koehn was the only one who didn’t let me do it alone.
Sam Altman said that as you grow the highs get lower and the lows get lower. I wondered why that was. When you reach certain heights the fall is a lot bigger, so it hurts a lot more. If there’s one thing I could tell you from all of this, it’s this.
Try not to attach your sense of self worth to the results of your business or your life. Seriously, there’s nothing that’s worth that.
When we start measuring the value of our lives in twitter followers, Facebook fans, the size of our wallets instead of the size of our hearts, web traffic, and internet fame, we’re headed down a slippery slope.
Cracks, Wounds and Scars
The years of our lives are like chapters of a book. Characters make cameos, they contribute sentences and paragraphs. Sometimes they’re good. Sometimes they’re bad. Sometimes they’re around for a while. And other times they’re gone in the blink of an eye. They might break our hearts or fill our lives with joy. But they all leave their traces.
I used to think the point of life was to get through it unscathed. But Julien Smith once said to me “when you get to the end of your life you better have a lot of scars. And I’m realizing that the scars mean you’ve made a choice to live a full color full contact life.
Nothing is ever as black and white as it seems. Nobody ever sets out with intention to screw another person. Bob Goff said to me an interview we’re all wounded. We’re all just doing that best we can with what we have and the means we’re sometimes put into impossible situations.
Over the year, for all of us, some of our friendships have become much stronger, and others have run their course. Maybe a relationship ended, maybe one started, or perhaps you landed right in between. You learn a lot more about the people in your life and the friends who love you unconditionally in bad times than you do in good ones. It’s easy to believe in somebody during the best of times. It takes real work in the worst of times. It’s a lesson I’ve learned from my friendship and partnership with Brian.
In Patti Digh’s book The Geography of Loss, she describes a Japanese art form, in which broken pots are put back together and the cracks are filled with gold. They are more beautiful when they’re put back together after they’ve fallen apart. It’s an interesting lesson for all of us to consider when we consider the moments in which we have fallen apart. Maybe the same can be said for all of us and our hearts.
After 3 straight months of sleepless nights, I got some medication to deal with depression. The judgement and stigma around mental health issues keeps so many of us from getting help. It’s not just external judgement, but self judgement that keeps us in dark places.
When we screw up or people end up thinking and saying horrible things about us, it’s easy to start believing these things about ourselves. Self compassion or as my friend Kamal Ravikant would say “loving yourself like your life depends on it” is important. Practicing this is easy when you’re on top of the world. It’s harder when you let people down or are at rock bottom. But that’s when it’s more important.
On Writing
I’ve spent what you might call “a lot of time writing” this year. I’ve gone through moleskines at a much faster pace than before. And the relationship I have with the blank page has evolved. It’s not just a habit. It’s a part of my identity to sit down each morning and write. In some ways I write because I have to and I would go nuts if I didn’t. Otherwise I’d be stuck dealing with the voice in my head. I’m not sure I have any advice on writing, even though I’ll be starting a book about writing soon. So I’ll give you this which I stole from Brad Montague
How can you add a melody and a beat to the heart of what you’re saying so it truly connects with people?
Family
Some people have great ones. Others have screwed up ones. And some have none at all. But nobody is the Brady Bunch. We all layer expectations on family, parents on kids, kids on parents. We spend our time thinking about who we want them to be as opposed to who they are. But like all people, our family members are messengers. And we’ll never live up to each other’s expectations even if we spend a lifetime trying. So maybe give some thought to letting go, loosening your grip, and seeing what happens. It might turn out better than you ever imagined.
Spend less time on the internet.
I realize that’s odd advice from someone whose work is made possible by the internet. One of the best parts of my day is when I unplug in them middle of the day and just shut everything down. Julia Cameron says we have to control our inflow if we’re going to increase our creative output. Food for thought.
Give back in some way.
Somebody had once said to me that one of the best ways to rebuild self esteem when it’s been damaged is to help somebody else by doing something you’re good at. I was waiting for some startup to come to me and ask me to be an advisor, when I realized I should reach out and offer to help someone.
Earlier this year I met these two guys, Rajiv Nathan and Martin McGovern running something I wanted to see be successful. It’s called Idea Lemon. So I reached out to them and asked if they’d be willing to be my guinea pigs for my aspirations to become a startup advisor. The truth is I’ll probably learn just as much if not more than them in this process.
A few weeks ago I met Daniel Hind. If you listen to Unmistakable Creative, you’ve probably heard his startup EvolutionEat mentioned. While we were sitting at a bar he was getting one text message after another. I was wondering if he had a harem that he hadn’t told me about. It turned out he was personally responding to each and every single one of his clients, with upwards of 1000 messages a week. That doesn’t scale, but that’s how it goes in the early days. That’s how committed he is to the success of evolution Eat. And I’d like to see it succeed because of that. So be sure to visit his site.
It’s easy to look back and make a list of accolades and achievement. By all means our wins should be celebrated. But our losses and the lessons we’ve brought from those should be honored as well
It’s likely as a team we’ll attempt something big and audacious again. But maybe we’ll do it like James Cameron, once every 10 years, and swing for the fences to launch a fastball into the upper deck (a sports analogy from a guy who knows nothing about sports).If you enjoyed this I hope you share it, and it inspires you to write something honest.
I’m the host of the Unmistakable Creative Podcast. Every week we curate unmistakable things you must read, watch, and listen to on The Sunday Quiver (an Unmistakable Creative Publication)
