10 Simple Steps to Strengthen Family Connections and Closeness Every Day

By Catherine Steiner-Adair, EdD.

We text, we chat, we search, we post, we play, we read, we browse, we shop. In a single day, the average American — adult or child — spends more than 10 hours online or on screens and digital media. Most of us spend more time each day connecting through social and online media than we spend doing anything else — and families are feeling the pinch.

In my work as a family therapist and consultant to schools, parents and children tell me about these endless distractions that dissolve vibrant moments of engagement with those we love, these mini-moments of disconnect. “We call our dad the Blackberry bomber cuz he’ll ski ahead of us and then check his texts while we catch up — he thinks it’s funny, but we’re frustrated and can’t get him to stop.” We know these moments, the habitual sneaked peeks at our email and “just a sec” moments when we push pause on those present to take a call from someone else. We have precious little time to be present with our children. They feel the mini-moments of disconnection.

How do we reboot our tech habits to reconnect for closeness in our families? Based on relationship studies, what we know about child development, and what kids tell me matters most to them, these simple steps can make a big difference. Parents find these do-able and sustainable. The positive effects become a persuasive payoff for all.

1.
Which way do you roll?

You know, first thing in the morning: to the center of the bed to snuggle or to the outer edge to reach for your phone and check for messages? Think of it metaphorically — do you routinely give the person you’re with your full attention? Or do you turn away — opt for tech over the person right there? As a marriage and family therapist, I highly recommend rolling inward!Your choice sends a message. The choice is critical because it defines how you start your day and declare your priorities.

2.
Up and at ‘em — a little earlier!

Get up 30 minutes earlier to check your email and tend to your first-thing online tasks before you wake up your children. Plan ahead so that from the time they awake until they are out the door, it’s screen-free time for everyone. These prime-time transition moments in the day are when kids need to feel you’re calm and fully present to them, not distracted or on edge. They pick up on the sharp-edged “don’t bother me now” tone in our voice if they interrupt us writing an email, compared to the friendlier response more likely if we’re not.

3.
Drive-time and drop-offs are no time for phones or screens.

That goes for everyone. Let this be time to chat or sit in the surround sound of family quiet and daydream, which can be creative, calming and synthesizing time for children. Kids hate listening to grown-ups on their phones, hostages to half a conversation. “It feels bad and sad to be ignored in the car,” one young child told me. And it can be stressful. “When I hear my parents fighting, I worry that something bad is going to happen and then I can’t concentrate at school,” a teen confided.

4.
Perk up for pick-up.

Stash your smartphone when you pick kids up. Nothing says “you don’t matter that much,” or “everyone and everything else is more important than you,” than having a parent or caregiver pull up for pickup but hardly look up from a call or texting. Children like and need to be greeted by someone who is happy to see them. Make eye contact with your child, greet and genuinely connect with them. You can’t be fully present to them if you’re texting or talking to someone else. This goes for the kids, too! When you allow your kids to text or play with screens in the car, you reduce the likelihood of conversations that will tell you much about the emotional tenor of their day. They’re texting to their peers instead.

5.
Protect after-school playtime.

When your children come home from school, have snack and talk, hang out, play outside, play inside — but declare this screen-free time if it isn’t for homework. Children need to play in the three dimensional world, to interact with people and manipulatives — Legos, puzzles, arts or crafts, or cooking. They need to pace themselves, relax and not get sucked into mesmerizing, stimulating screen games or TV. Create your own Family Responsible Use Agreement and post it on the fridge or by the computer with understandings about what when how and how long it’s okay to be different screen activities.

6.
Parents need to transition from work to home, too!

Finish your calls or texting before you walk in the door. When you come home you need to show the people you love most in the world that they matter to you. Greet them with your full attention. Let co-workers know ahead that you won’t be available at certain times. And don’t walk in the door with the expectation that you’ll say a two-second “hi!” and then disappear to “just check” what’s happened in the last 30 minutes since you left the office. It can wait.

7.
Listen, Laugh, Love and Learn.

Talk with, not at your child, and practice listening. Nourish meaningful connection and thoughtful conversation in which you and your children share feelings, and talk about all kinds of issues, matters of the heart, fights, plans for the weekend. The family equivalent of circle time or home room in school gives kids a chance to talk about the things that are really important to them, to feel heard, respected, and helped.

8.
Make mealtimes matter.

No screens or phones at the table and this includes you! Kids hate hypocrites. So do partners. Enlist your kids to help with cooking or have them help with other kitchen duties — the hands-on work it can be a great stress-buster. And exploring recipes online can make for appetizing pre-dinner conversation.

9.
Make bath and bedtime quiet, cozy, unplugged times.

At the end of their day, and our day with them, our children need to know they are precious to us and matter more than anything to us. Nothing spoils the magic of a bedtime book more than a parent checking a text. The same tech-free breather goes for parents, too. No screens in the bedroom!

10.
Down time is prime time for family.

Create tech-free experiences your family can share, giving all a chance to cultivate an inner life, solitude, a connection to nature a soulful feeling of gratitude. These cannot be found on line. We have to cultivate this capacity for peace and nourish this appetite for spirituality and the search for big meaning, whether in the sanctuary of the forest, a holy place, or a poem.

Change begins with awareness: of our habits, of their impact, and our desire to tailor the tech in our lives to strengthen family life for those we love. We can outsmart our smartphones and kick the tech habits that drive us crazy. As innovations continue, the challenge is only going to get tougher. But the solution is simpler than we think, and it’s already at our fingertips.

In her book, The Big Disconnect: Protecting Childhood and Family Relationships in the Digital Age, Dr. Steiner-Adair examines ways in which technology and media change how children learn and grow, and shows parents how to balance the benefits of tech while reducing the risks it poses at every stage of development. http://catherinesteineradair.com/

The National Day of Unplugging is one day a year that encourages people to be mindful of the impact of their use of digital devices throughout the year. Find out more at http://www.nationaldayofunplugging.com/