A Beginner’s Guide To Eurovision 2018
Ever heard of the Eurovision Song Contest? We won’t blame you if you haven’t. Jake Liker breaks down the ridiculous, over-the-top, and highly-politicized singing competition between European powers, both big and small
Imagine a combination of the Hunger Games, the Olympics, and American Idol, and you’ll get something vaguely resembling the Eurovision Song Contest. For the alliteration-inclined, it is an audiovisual spectacle of performance art, pyrotechnics, and political tension.
After World War II, a devastated Europe took a series of measures to try to unify the continent in the hopes of preventing a war from ever happening again. Many of these measures still live today — a continental political structure (the European Union), a common currency (the Euro), and yes, the Eurovision Song Contest. A quick Wikipedia search reveals that Eurovision is a result of the European Broadcasting Union’s (EBU) attempt to bring together the countries of the EBU around a “light entertainment programme.”
And so I present to you, a “light entertainment programme”:
The Basics
European countries send an act with an original song to perform at Eurovision. The song may not exceed three minutes, no more than six people can be on stage at a time, and all vocals must be sung live.
43 countries are participating in this year’s Eurovision Song Contest, which ties the Eurovision record (43 countries also participated in 2008 and 2011).
Six countries automatically qualify to the Grand Final: The Big Five (United Kingdom, France, Germany, Spain, Italy) and the host country. As the winner of the 2017 contest, Portugal is the host of the 2018 edition. Whoever wins this year will host next year, and so on.
The remaining 37 countries were divided into two semifinal rounds. The top ten countries from each semifinal advanced to the Grand Final. Thus, 26 countries will compete in the Grand Final. Immediately after the last performance, voting will begin.
Voting
I have spent 20 minutes trying to figure out how to adequately and succinctly explain the voting system and I’m giving up. Here’s an official explanation:
A few notes:
- All 43 countries, including the ones who were eliminated in the semifinals, get to vote
- Countries cannot vote for their own songs
- Ideally, jurors and viewers would base their votes on the song itself, the staging, and the live vocals. But other factors often come into play (more on that in a moment)
- Voting lines are open for about 40 minutes. The votes are then verified before the Executive Supervisor of the Eurovision Song Contest declares that the results are ready to be announced. The Executive Supervisor is a middle-aged Norwegian man named Jon Ola Sand, and his camera presence will make you think he’s being held hostage.
- The period between the final performance and the announcement of the results lasts 45–60 minutes, during which there will be an interval act and some cringe-worthy video segments which are supposed to be funny. Think of this as a big halftime show.
Watch this for about a minute and you’ll get a sense of how it all goes down.
Politics
There’s a lot to love about Eurovision, but my favorite aspect of the whole extravaganza is the political subtext. The contest was originally supposed to bring Europe together, but every year, it manages to tear the whole continent apart.
Voting is often very political. English-speaking countries tend to vote for one another. There is a well-established Nordic voting bloc. The Balkans stick together. Former Soviet states are always generous to Mother Russia, a pattern so strong that the president of Azerbaijan personally launched an inquiry into the voting results and released a statement after his country didn’t award any points to Russia in 2013.
Gay rights are also frequently a point of contention when it comes to Eurovision. Eurovision has a disproportionately high LGBTQ+ following, which means countries like Russia aren’t ideal hosts for the contest — a fact which many people believe hurts Russia in the voting. China has been barred from broadcasting the Grand Final after refusing to air Ireland’s performance in the semifinal, which featured a same-sex relationship.
And then there’s the lyrics. Songs with explicitly political messages are banned from the contest, or so Eurovision says. But the reality is that 2016’s contest came down to Russia — who delivered an objectively spectacular performance — and Ukraine — whose song was called 1944 and sung partially in Crimean Tatar by a woman whose grandmother died in Joseph Stalin’s ethnic cleansing of Crimea in 1944. The song’s opening lyrics: “When strangers are coming, they come to your house, they kill you all and say, ‘we’re not guilty, not guilty.’”
Ukraine won. And when they hosted the next year, they banned Russia from competing.
Some other classics:
One Last Breath — Greece in 2015, amidst a national debt crisis: “I’m begging you, take me / out of this fiery hell / Come back and save me / what happened wasn’t fair / Nothing left, all that I have / is one last breath”
Never Give Up on You — United Kingdom in 2017, after Brexit: “I will never give up on you / I don’t care what I’ve got to lose / Just give me your hand and hold on / Together we’ll dance through this storm”
Russia and Ukraine in 2014, which John Oliver did an entire segment on:
A 2018 Viewing Guide
The final will be aired live in the United States on Saturday, May 12 at 3 p.m. Eastern on Logo. It will also be live-streamed by Logo on YouTube. Graham Norton’s commentary for the United Kingdom is always hilarious, though, so watch that instead if you can manage to find a BBC 1 stream.
With all that being said, here’s a spoiler-free guide to the 26 acts that will perform at the Grand Final, listed in the order in which they will perform. I’ve put 6 songs in bold — these are the ones that are must-see. But first, here are the countries which failed to qualify for the Grand Final:
Armenia, Azerbaijan, Belarus, Belgium, Croatia, FYR Macedonia, Georgia, Greece, Iceland, Latvia, Malta, Montenegro, Poland, Romania, Russia, San Marino, Switzerland
And now, the viewing guide. Acts are formatted as follows: COUNTRY — Song Title — Artist
1. UKRAINE — Under the Ladder — Mélovin
I can’t think of a more perfect act to introduce you to Eurovision. Emo Frankie Muniz with one fake contact lens sings an energetic and dramatic song in English, although I have absolutely no idea what he’s saying. The staging is peak Eurovision.
2. SPAIN — Tu Canción — Alfred y Amaia
A romantic Spanish ballad, how adorable. It’s a shame the producers put them 2nd in the running order, AKA the death slot — no act has ever won performing 2nd. Don’t expect that to change this year.
3. SLOVENIA — Hvala, Ne! — Lea Sirk
For about 20 glorious seconds during her semifinal performance, the music cuts out and Lea Sirk appears to be panicked. But sadly, the music does come back on, and we are subjected to the rest of this mess of a song. Don’t be alarmed if this happens again on Saturday, because it’s planned. Maybe people will be fooled into voting for them out of pity?
4. LITHUANIA — When We’re Old — Ieva Zasimauskaitė
This song is a real tear-jerker that resonated with Europe enough to emerge as a dark horse in this contest. People were moved to tears by the sentimentality of the song. I’m moved to tears by whoever thought these lyrics were okay:
5. AUSTRIA — Nobody But You — Cesár Sampson
Austrian Aloe Blacc has a decent song here. The staging is pretty clever. Where are his legs? Don’t worry, you’ll see them soon enough. Good fashion sense, however, is nowhere to be found.
6. ESTONIA — La Forza — Elina Nechayeva
If you only watch one Eurovision performance this year, make it this one. You won’t see this plotline anywhere else: Estonian woman singing an Italian popera emerges as a real contender until Estonia’s state-run broadcaster announces it doesn’t have the budget to transport and set up her $80,000 dress technology, only to be saved at the last second by private sponsors willing to chip in. This is an excellent use of your time and an excellent use of taxpayer money.
7. NORWAY — That’s How You Write a Song — Alexander Rybak
Alexander Rybak and his damn violin won Eurovision for Norway in 2009 with the song Fairytale, which shattered Eurovision scoring records (watch the performance on Youtube, it’s…something). His Eurovision legacy was secured. But no, he had to come back all this years later with this incredibly cheesy entry. I hate that I kind of like it.
8. PORTUGAL — O Jardim — Cláudia Pascoal
Last year Portugal won Eurovision for the first time ever, breaking their Eurovision curse. In all 53 years of participation, Portugal had never even finished top five, a longer dry spell than any other country. If this song is any indication, it’ll be another 53 years before they win again. Take a bathroom break or a 3-minute nap during this sleepy song.
9. UNITED KINGDOM — Storm — SuRie
Last year’s Brexit ballad was excellent, and even still the U.K. finished 15th. This year, the Brits have sent a generic pop beat. It’s the second year in a row the British entry has featured the word “storm” in the chorus. They’d be lucky to finish 15th this time. The song isn’t necessarily bad, but it’s not good enough to make an entire continent forget that you don’t like them.
10. SERBIA — Nova Deca — Sanja Ilić & Balkanika
I was tempted to put this song in bold, not because it’s amazing, but because it’s hilarious. It is without a doubt the worst entry of this year’s contest, and that includes all the countries that got eliminated in the semifinal. Switzerland and Malta are all going to be sick watching this performance, knowing that this somehow qualified over them. Never underestimate the power of the Balkan bloc and an old man playing a folksy woodwind instrument.
11. GERMANY — You Let Me Walk Alone — Michael Schulte
Lukas Graham is going to hear this song and and be furious that he didn’t write it already. Sidebar: Lukas Graham is not one person, but a band??? I just learned this.) This is a really nice and profoundly depressing ballad. The staging makes me think Cartoon Network is showing reruns of Hole in the Wall in Germany.
12. ALBANIA — Mall — Euguent Bushpepa
An Albanian dentist takes the stage and what he’s wearing makes him look like he just walked off the set of Fifty Shades of Grey. He sings an mid-tempo alt-rock song in Albanian. It shouldn’t work. But with these vocals, it does.
13. FRANCE — Mercy — Madame Monsieur
I think this is France’s way of apologizing for almost electing Marine Le Pen? It doesn’t do much for me, but the bookies are calling this one a serious contender. In any event, enjoy the music video, which is not making any kind of political statement whatsoever:
14. CZECH REPUBLIC — Lie to Me — Mikolas Josef
The Czech Republic really scrapes the bottom of the barrel with this one. It reeks of desperation. The lyrics are an abomination comprised of Kids-Bop-esque innuendo. They crammed every viral dance they could into three minutes on stage. Someone described it as a cheap knock-off of Jason Derulo’s Talk Dirty to Me. That’s disrespectful to Jason Derulo.
15. DENMARK — Higher Ground — Rasmussen
I’ve never watched Game of Thrones before, but I assume most of the characters look like this guy. Someone on stage waves a giant white flag at some point, which is a perfect metaphor for this entry.
16. AUSTRALIA — We Got Love — Jessica Mauboy
Okay, it’s time to address the elephant in the room. No, Australia is not in Europe. But Australia loves Eurovision. In 2015, Australia was invited to participate in honor of Eurovision’s 60th anniversary, and they did pretty well. I guess everyone forgot to un-invite them. The studio version of this song is actually pretty good, but the live vocals might remind the EBU to rescind Australia’s invitation next year.
17. FINLAND — Monsters — Saara Aalto
This song is definitely about coming out of the closet. Some might call it pandering. I call it a banger. Gay bars in Helsinki will be bumping this for weeks to come. The backup dancers look like Ghostbusters in grey, but I’m not going to question it. I am going to question the gimmick that occurs at the very beginning of this song. It’s impressive, but highly questionable.
18. BULGARIA — Bones — Equinox
Bulgaria really wants to win this year. Their 2016 entry was a personal favorite, and they finished 4th. They deserved to win last year but finished 2nd. This year the Bulgarians brought a modern pop song that has a OneRepublic feel to it. They took three Bulgarians and found two Americans and put them in a group together. The one woman wears a wig that looks like it came from a Sia costume from Party City. It’s a decent act but it feels very manufactured.
19. MOLDOVA — My Lucky Day — DoReDos
Moldova is the poorest country in Europe and hosting Eurovision would surely bankrupt the nation. I don’t know how they find the time, money, and resources to commit to sending really strong acts to Eurovision, but they do. Last year they finished 3rd. This year they’ve sent a song that I’m pretty sure is about having a threesome. I’m not kidding. Listen closely. But the staging is really creative and Moldova clearly knows how to have a good time.
20. SWEDEN — Dance You Off — Benjamin Ingrosso
This is one of the two genuinely good songs to come out of this year’s competition. I could definitely imagine hearing it on the radio, as there’s a very Justin Bieber vibe to it. Sweden rarely disappoints in Eurovision. They are 6-time winners, most recently in 2012 and 2015. The pattern suggests they will win in 2018, but the bookies have them sixth in the odds, and Ingrosso’s live dance moves are kind of cringy. At the very least, Sweden will have given us a bop:
21. HUNGARY — Viszlát nyár — AWS
This is a heavy metal song. The last minute consists entirely of the lead singer screaming wildly in Hungarian. It’s…something. This act isn’t for me, but its authenticity is somewhat refreshing in a contest defined by campiness.
22. NETHERLANDS — Outlaw in ’Em — Waylon
Surprise! Didn’t think you’d get a country song in Eurovision, did you? Well, here we are. The Netherlands always likes their country/folksy acts. Will anyone else? I’m not sure, I’ve already forgotten about it because Israel’s next.
23. ISRAEL — Toy — Netta
For the past six weeks, Israel had been the bookies’ odds-on favorite, and it wasn’t even close. It’s a banger, albeit a very cheesy one. There’s clucking, there’s feminism, there’s some cultural appropriation, there’s a political statement if you analyze it thoroughly enough — a lot is going on. But on Thursday, Israel dropped to second place in the odds after being suddenly overtaken by an entry that came out of nowhere…
24. IRELAND — Together — Ryan O’Shaughnessy
Ireland is the winningest country in Eurovision history with 7 wins, but they haven’t won since 1996. Now, after finishing last in 2013 and failing to qualify in four consecutive years, the Emerald Isle makes a triumphant return to the Grand Final with a song stolen from Sam Smith’s cutting room floor. Their favorable position in the running order has seen the bookies boost them astonishingly to 3rd in the odds. This time a week ago, they were 30th. Here’s some analysis:
25. CYPRUS — Fuego — Eleni Foureira
It’s simple: Cyprus wins this competition or we riot. I listened to all 43 songs a month ago. I said Cyprus had the best song when they were at 100/1 odds. Eleni Foureira woke everyone up with her semifinal performance and she is now, almost unthinkably, the odds-on favorite. Cyprus has never won before. That better change this year. Nicosia 2019.
26. ITALY — Non mi avete fatto niente — Ermal Meta & Fabrizio Moro
The producers clearly wanted to end the show on an uplifting note. I don’t speak Italian, but the lyrics are supposedly beautiful. The message is about how IM BURNIN UP AND I AINT COOLIN DOWN, KEEP TAKIN ME HIGHER, AW YEAH AWYEAH AWYEAH, YEAH AWYEAH AW YEAH, FUEGO *instrumental break*
There you have it. My complete breakdown of the European signing competition that gets more and more ridiculous by the year.
Now sit back and enjoy your first Eurovision. In watching it live, I guarantee you’ll get just as hooked and fascinated with it as I have.
Jake Liker is a huge fan of all things weird and fun, such as the sport of ultimate and Tottenham Hotspur. Also, he’s one of those guys from Los Angeles who refuses to wear anything less than a sweatshirt and pants until the weather reaches north of 70 degrees. Make sure to follow him @JakeLiker for live analysis of Eurovision 2018!
