A Beginner’s Guide to Eurovision 2019
Jake Liker walks you through the maniacal madness of the real Greatest Show on Earth: the Eurovision Song Content. This year, pyrotechnics, political tension and yes, even some singing, are hiding behind every corner
The Eurovision Song Contest has come once again, which means it’s time for 40+ European countries to get together and compete in the most spectacularly absurd and patriotic singing contest ever created. Hopefully this year’s edition will be controversy-free and not overshadowed by political tension as in years past.
Say, where is this year’s contest being held? Who won last year’s contest?
hahahahahahahaha sh*t
For a quick refresher on the basics of how the contest works, see the beginning of the article I wrote last year (and ignore the part where I make a patently false statement about the history of the Euro, which in fact did not come into existence until 1992).
A 2019 Viewing Guide
The final will be aired live in the United States on Saturday, May 18 at 3 p.m. Eastern on Logo. It will also be live-streamed by Logo on YouTube. Graham Norton’s commentary for the United Kingdom is always hilarious, though, so watch that instead if you can manage to find a BBC 1 stream.
With all that being said, here’s a spoiler-free guide to the 26 acts that will perform at the Grand Final, listed in the order in which they will perform. I’ve put 6 songs in bold — these are the ones that are must-see. But first, here are the countries which failed to qualify for the Grand Final:
Montenegro, Finland, Poland, Hungary, Belgium, Georgia, Portugal, Armenia, Ireland, Moldova, Latvia, Romania, Austria, Croatia, Lithuania
And now, the viewing guide. Acts are formatted as follows: COUNTRY — Song Title — Artist
- MALTA — Chameleon— Michela
Chameleon is one of the better pop songs in this competition, and the staging is a symphony of color. Please don’t be harsh when it comes to Michela’s vocals, she’s just a little nervous and she’s so happy to have made it this far. And besides, Eurovision isn’t about talent, it’s about the spectacle. That’s Rule Number 1.
2. ALBANIA — Ktheju tokës — Jonida Maliqi
No disrespect to Jonida Maliqi or the entire nation of Albania, but how did this get through? Who voted for this??? It was easily the most unpleasant of all the semifinal performances, including the ones that didn’t advance to the Grand Final. I respect that she tries to hit the big notes, but the big notes hit back. HARD. And if you think I’m being harsh, just know that the number 2 slot in the running order is known as the death slot––no one has ever won performing second, and the producers of the show knew that when they slotted Albania here.
3. CZECH REPUBLIC — Friend of a Friend––Lake Malawi
Listen, I wanted to despise these guys from the second I saw them. The opening lyrics of their song contains the line Can you hear it / It sounds like you and me when we’re making love? But this weird cross between The Wiggles and The 1975 works really, really well. The staging is well executed, the song is a real earworm, and the overall product is indie-pop perfection.
4. GERMANY––Sister— S!sters
I imagine the German delegation was putting together an act and at a meeting someone scrawled “FEMINISM” on a whiteboard and they just kind of winged it from there. But this performance doesn’t work. The song is called Sister, the group is called S!sters, but these women are not sisters. They’re awkward together on stage, and one “sister” is much better than the other. Would not be surprised if this is a last place finish.
5. RUSSIA — Scream — Sergey Lazarev
Sergey Lazarev makes his return to the Eurovision stage after putting on an unforgettable performance in 2016 that probably would have won the competition had it been competing for any country other than Russia. This time, he’s back with another dramatic power ballad, and now he’s brought with him a literal glass case of emotion!
6. DENMARK— Love is Forever — Leonora
Only at the Eurovision Song Contest could a song called Love is Forever be considered cynical. But I mean come on, seriously? This is obvious, safe, bland fodder. It’s parody, but without any irony or self-awareness. It’s a worse version of this satirical Eurovision song that was just an amalgamation of basically every Eurovision song ever: Love, Love, Peace, Peace.
7. SAN MARINO — Say Na Na Na — Serhat
All you need to know is that someone described the genre of this song as “cruise ship.” I watched the first semifinal with a friend and she said this song reminded her of something a Disney villain would sing. I don’t know if San Marino could afford to host Eurovision, but luckily it appears we won’t have to find out any time soon.
8. NORTH MACEDONIA — Proud—Tamara Todevska
This is an excellent ballad. Takes notes Germany, this is how you do powerful feminism properly.
9. SWEDEN — Too Late For Love — John Lundvik
I want to like this song more than I actually do, and maybe that’s just because we’ve come to expect so much from Sweden in this competition. No one takes Eurovision more seriously than Sweden, the 6–time winners who have already won twice this decade. It just feels a bit boring, and John Lundvik only has two dance moves: the shoulder sway and the I’m-holding-a-platter. It looks like he’s trying to juggle something.
10. SLOVENIA — Sebi— Zala Kralj & Gašper Šantl
I’m surprised that Slovenia made the Grand Final this year, and not because I think it’s a bad song. I think of this entry the same way I think of Belmont men’s basketball making March Madness this year––it’s not that I think they don’t deserve it, I’m just surprised the powers-that-be made the right decision to include them. So yeah, please enjoy some chill Lo-Fi beats featuring Mark Zuckerberg but with a jawline and a guitar.
11. CYPRUS — Replay— Tamta
After being robbed of a victory last year, Cyprus has delivered ANOTHER BOP. Stream Replay by Tamta! It’s a hit! A banger!! The song of the summer!!! While this is my favorite song of the competition, it unfortunately will not win because Tamta’s vocals aren’t as good live as they are in studio, but hey, at least there’s a wardrobe change.
12. THE NETHERLANDS — Arcade — Duncan Laurence
Wow. This is a legitimately beautiful song, and not just by Eurovision standards. The staging is excellent, the vocals are excellent, and you might even get goosebumps. In my now five years of watching Eurovision, I’ve never seen one song become such a runaway favorite in the odds as Arcade has this year. The Dutch currently have a 47% chance to win, with the next highest song coming in at 12%. I’ll be surprised and very disappointed if this isn’t the winner. But loving Eurovision can be a losing game, and I’ve been disappointed before.
13. GREECE — Better Love—Katerine Duska
Yes, this is the third song in the first half of the show to feature the word “love” in the title. What did you expect? There’s literally a heart in the contest’s logo. You knew what you were signing up for. Anyways, hope you enjoy falsetto.
14. ISRAEL — Home — Kobi Marimi
It appears Israel does not want to have to host again next year.
15. NORWAY — Spirit in the Sky —KEiiNO
There’s three singers in this group. Two of them are good vocalists. The other one solely does folksy throat-singing incantations. Guess which one gets the big solo?
16. UNITED KINGDOM— Bigger Than Us — Michael Rice
Is this a powerful and uplifting song about people in the world, or a thinly-veiled euphemism for how Brexit is merely a symptom of a larger global political trend? I like to think it’s the latter. In any event, most of Europe is still pissed at the U.K. and this song will once again likely be relegated to the right side of the scoreboard with all the other songs that finish in the bottom half.
17. ICELAND — Hatrið mun sigra— Hatari
This is the must-see act. The only thing thinly-veiled about this entry is the performers’ bodies. “Hatrið mun sigra” is Icelandic for “Hate will prevail,” and I, for one, find this dystopian act a refreshing change of pace from the constant bombardment of peace and love and happiness and cookie-cutter lyrics. All you need to know about Hatari is that they describe themselves as an “award-winning, anti-capitalist, BDSM, techno-dystopian, performance art collective.” Please read their full bio, it’s pretty incredible.
18. ESTONIA — Storm — Victor Crone
“A storm like this / Can break a man like this” is not a good lyric, it is not good songwriting, and if you insist on including it your song, do NOT put it right in the chorus. A storm like this can break a man like this? Oh Victor, that storm already broke you…no no no don’t try and belt that note WHAT ARE YOU DOING OH NO OH NO OH NO
19. BELARUS––Like It — ZENA
In this performance, Europe’s last dictatorship offers up what I can only describe as a vaporwave-themed car crash. I don’t say that in a completely insulting way––like a car crash, it’s really bad and you know it’s going to be really bad but it’s a captivating spectacle that you can’t look away from. Stage presence? ZENA has it. Choreo? ZENA has it. Vocals? They’re serviceable at the beginning, but by the end of the song, they’re, uhhhh, not serviceable.
20. AZERBAIJAN — Truth — Chingiz
Azerbaijan went all-out this year. Really good song, and super unique and high-tech staging. But this is Eurovision, where you can never have too much of anything. And there’s a moment during this song when you will know in your heart that Azerbaijan is officially doing too much.
21. FRANCE — Roi — Bilal Hassani
Roi is an above-average power ballad and I’m looking forward to seeing it. Unfortunately that’s all I know about this song, because for some reason the Big 5’s performances haven’t been released yet.
22. ITALY — Soldi — Mahmood
As an Italian 101 student, this is one of my favorite songs of this year’s competition. But once again, like France, I have no idea what’s coming. I’m excited though.
23. SERBIA — Kruna — Nevena Božović
Confession: I’ve never watched Game of Thrones. But from what I know about the show, I can infer that when Game of Thrones: The Musical is inevitably created, it’ll contain a big power ballad that’ll look and sound something like this. This woman has come a long way since her last Eurovision appearance.
24. SWITZERLAND—She Got Me — Luca Hänni
Luca Hänni is a tour de force. He can sing, he can dance, and he carries himself on stage like a star. The lyrics are somewhat eye-roll-worthy, but She Got Me is an undeniably catchy song. I’m expecting a top 5 finish for the Swiss.
25. AUSTRALIA — Zero Gravity — Kate Miller-Heidke
One of these years, Eurovision is going to regret not uninviting Australia after what was supposed to be a one-off appearance in 2015 to commemorate the 60th anniversary of the competition. This might be the year they’re made to pay––if Australia wins, who will host next year? I don’t know, but as the second-favorite in the odds, a win for Oz is a distinct possibility. With a favorable spot in the running order and a visual presentation unlike any other song in the contest, it’s sure to be one of this year’s most memorable acts.
26. SPAIN— La Venda—Miki
This song is fun and upbeat and I’m intrigued by the staging based on the snippet I’ve seen of this act, but it’s missing some of the oomph that it has in the studio version. The “hey!” just seems kind of lame without the crack of the whip effect.
BONUS
I’m gonna be honest. If you’re looking for the craziest storyline of this year’s Eurovision Song Contest, you’re a little too late.
See, it wouldn’t be Eurovision without Ukraine-Russia beef. And this beef took another turn this year, leaving Ukraine out of this year’s competition.
An artist named Maruv won the Ukranian national final for the Eurovision Song Contest with her song, Siren Song. But the ensuing fiasco resulted in Ukraine dropping out of this year’s contest. If you want to read about the controversial events that followed Maruv’s victory, head on over to the latest update of the very real and legitimate Wikipedia page, Russia-Ukraine Relations in the Eurovision Song Contest.
But what’s important is that you understand that despite there being several obvious reasons for not allowing the performance to represent your country at Eurovision, the only thing that really stood in Siren Song’s way was a Russia dispute. And so the rest of Europe will unfortunately not get to see whatever sin this is:
Eurovision: there’s truly nothing like it.
You can follow along on Twitter with the one and only Jake Liker as he watches his favorite event of the year unfold live in dramatic fashion this Saturday.
