The Evil Empire Never Left
The Patriots, somehow, are back in the Super Bowl again. Everyone has begun to re-write the narrative of the Patriots being a group lacking any real talent, and instead pronouncing them to be the odds-on title favorite. I, however, stand by those regular season declarations. The only thing we got wrong was the power of Vader and Palpatine
You know that infamous part in The Empire Strikes Back where Darth Vader is just sitting in his little chamber, probably thinking about his plans for the day and generally just chilling until it’s time to go wipe out the meddlesome Rebellion? And then there’s the part right after that where the smoke billows out and his mask is lowered onto his head and he goes full evil, world-destroyer mode?
Yeah, that’s Tom Brady. All season he played it cool, acting like any amazing quarterback who has hit his forties would. Still great, but doesn’t look nearly as dominant or up to the task of leading his team into February.
What no one outside of Giselle knew was that Brady was actually just invoking his inner Vader. Recognizing he didn’t have to do anything to reach the playoffs out of the weak AFC East, and instead readying his energies for the bigger fight ahead.
Then you got Belichick. The Emperor Palpatine in this whole scenario. As great as Brady has been over the past few decades, there’s simply no denying that it’s the hooded man prowling the sidelines that pulls all the strings.
In Revenge of the Sith (also, side note: that movie isn’t nearly as terrible as everyone makes it out to seem. Sure, there are a few acting issues and plot holes, but clearly this movie was made to get a new generation of kids invested in the franchise, and boy did it work on me) there’s that one scene where Palpatine is talking to the husk of what was once Anakin and fully swaying him to go to the Dark Side. “You killed her,” our good friend Palpy rasps. “NOOOOOOOOOO!” we get in response, one of the most cringe-worthy moments in movie history.
The manipulation had been going on for all of the prequels subtly, but Palpatine really comes out and flexes his power in Episode III. The Jedi Council thought they were oh so clever and steps ahead of Palpy, but failed to fathom what he had in store for them the entire time.
I got a real strong feeling that’s what Belichick has been pulling this year as well. The rest of the league was sitting around, smirking about the looming demise of the Patriots dynasty during Week 3; Belichick, on the other hand, was maniacally game-planning for January months in advance, watching film from Patrick Mahomes’ days in Pee Wee Football.
As for those pesky stormtroopers, well, those would be the rest of the Patriots roster. And here’s where I stand my ground against all these experts trying to back-track previous statements about the Patriots’ lack of talent. I still don’t think this roster as a whole is very good. Individually, there’s not a whole lot of players I would even swap onto my team up on the frozen tundra. Yet even with all $84 million of Kirk Cousins we still missed the playoffs, while the Pats are gearing up for their third Super Bowl in a row.
Here’s the thing: stormtroopers by themselves are simply garbage. Name the number of times a stormtrooper has been able to back an enemy into a bad spot, and I’ll name you the same number of times said enemy has been able to escape because the stormtroopers can’t hit a damn shot to save their life. What makes them good is the system. There’s simply no denying that the stormtroopers as a whole are an absolute unit.
When one Pat goes down, another steps up to fill his place. When an individual — or even an entire unit — is struggling, there’s always reinforcements. The stormtroopers owe it to their overwhelming numbers. The Pats simply always have an answer for whatever is thrown their way — say, a 28–3 deficit at halftime.
Take Malcolm Butler, for example. Sure, he struggled for much of his career, and sure, he would be benched in following seasons before leaving in free agency, but in the biggest spot in the biggest game, Butler came through when no one else could. Seattle had just driven the length of the field and stood on the 1-yard line with less than 30 seconds remaining. The defense was struggling, there wasn’t enough time for Brady to lead another comeback, and no one in the building could envision anything but the Seahawks taking home Super Bowl XLIX. Insert Butler, and the rest is history.
Or even take a look at the Belichick coaching tree. As with any franchise that experiences success, the rest of the league is chomping at the bit to hire away their coaches to get even a small sliver of that winning culture. Just this past season, Matt Patricia was taken from his Defensive Coordinator role in New England and made the head coach of the Detroit Lions. Just look at how well that worked. In the structure of the Republic, any Trooper or Unit-Leader can be successful, but take them away and make them operate on their own, and their shots are missing the mark every time.
So what does this all mean for SuperBowl LIII and the Los Angeles Rams? Well, if Sean McVay wants to become the youngest coach to ever host the Lombardi, it’s going to take a Luke Skywalker-esque effort. Where did the Rebellion turn when faced with the overwhelming might of the Republic? They recruited some allies, and then recruited some more, and eventually formed a unit that could stand a fight.
In the 2018 offseason, the Rams did just this. Not happy with just the best defensive player in the league in Aaron Donald, they went out and brought in Ndamukong Suh, one of the most terrifying defensive lineman around. Then they went out and added Aqib Talib, Marcus Peters, and their 7 combined Pro-Bowls to boost their secondary. Oh yeah, they also went and stole Lando Calrissian — sorry, Brandin Cooks — from the Patriots to be their go-to guy.
The Rams busted out of the gates this season, and it looked like most of the season would be a cake-walk. Towards the end, they finally came back down to Earth, but the club has rounded into form at exactly the right time. It’s no easy feat beating the Saints in the Superdome, especially starting out down 13–0, but the Rams just seem to always make things happen. Even if they took down that shield with some help from, ya know, the black-and-white-striped Ewoks and whatnot.
The Pats have the system, they have the legacy, and they have Vader and Palpatine operating at the peak of their Sith powers. Unfortunately for McVay, I doubt Brady’s gonna throw Belichick down a cavernous pit any time soon. It’s going to take a Jedi-level effort out of Jared Goff, Todd Gurley, Aaron Donald, and Co. to even stand a chance.
Frankly, I think the Pats are going to roll to another SuperBowl victory. ’Cause there’s one thing we’ve learned about the Republic time and time again: they may look weak at times, they may seem like their grip is slipping or their stars are losing it, but they always rise.
They always rise.
Owen Guetschow is the sports editor here at UNPLUGG’D who got to watch Kirk Cousins land $84 million guaranteed and Jimmy Butler screw the Timberwolves all in the course of several months. You can follow him on Twitter here.
