13 Korean versions of Hollywood heroes
(who failed miserably at their own movies)
Hollywood loves movies about winners. Whether it’s an eccentric billionaire superhero with the tech to finish any job, the invincible super spy who can get out of any situation, or the one man army with the training and firepower necessary to defeat any enemy, they like to introduce you to characters you can take one look at and know ‘this is a dude who can get crap done.’
The Korean film industry however, has other ideas. They like losers.
The characters of Korean blockbusters often find themselves in the exact same situations as Hollywood heroes, with absolutely none of the skills, knowledge or resources to get of of those situation successfully. And you know what? It is far more fun to watch someone fight their way through a problem they are completely unprepared for. Here are a few examples:
- What if Steven Seagal just wanted his dang lighter back?
The Hollywood version:
There’s no end of Hollywood heroes who find themselves to be the lone man who can save everyone in a given building (Die Hard), airport (Die Hard 2), plane (Air Force One), Bus (Speed), boat (Under Siege), or train (Under Siege 2).
Luckily, the one man who is called into action is always incredibly prepared for it. In Under Siege 2: Dark Territory, it’s Casey Ryback (Steven Seagal). Luckily, he’s a retired Navy SEAL who had single-handedly brought down a team of terrorists, a submarine and multiple tomahawk missiles just one movie prior armed with nothing but a kitchen knife.
The Korean version:
In Break Out, another train is hijacked by gangsters, and the one man going after them is Bong Gu. Bong Gu also has military training, which he slept through. Several times. He’s been trying unsuccessfully for years to finish his mandatory basic training, but fails every chance he gets. He can’t hold a job, has no money, and his parents aren’t taking his calls anymore.
Kicked off the base, broke, stranded in the middle of nowhere, he uses his last 50 cents to buy a cheap plastic lighter. Which a gangster inadvertently picks up in the bathroom.
With his entire sense of self worth riding on a cheap piece of plastic, Bong Gu will stop at nothing to get his lighter back, following the gang onto a train and battling them at every move. He’s so busy getting beaten up that he doesn’t even notice until halfway through the movie that they’ve hijacked the train.
Bong Gu is the type of hero to prove that, YES, given an extreme enough situation, a man will climb atop a moving train and take the death-defying trip to the front. But he’s going to spend at least a minute of screen time alternately hyping himself up and trying to talk himself out of it, and he’s going to cling for dear life and cry about it the whole way. Oh, and when he makes it to the front, he’ll probably find the door locked and have to go all the way back. ★★★★★
2. What if Andy Dufresne escaped the day before he was to be pardoned?
The Hollywood version:
In The Shawshank Redemption, Andy Dufresne is a wrongly-convicted genius who uses his knowledge to mastermind a foolproof plan to escape from prison.
The Korean version:
In Jailbreakers, Mu Suk is guilty. He doesn’t deny it. Granted, it was for stealing a loaf of bread, but before you start feeling sorry for him, please not that it wasn’t to feed his starving family like Jean Valjean. The dude just really, really likes bread. And his multiple, increasingly Wile E. Coyote-esque escape attempts kept lengthening his sentence.
While he may lack a genius escape plan, or any idea whatsoever as to what to do after he gets out, he does have a spoon. And after an eternity of digging, he makes it outside.
Only to find out that he was set to be pardoned the next day, and has to break back in before anyone notices he’s gone.
But not before he gets some dang bread. ★☆☆☆☆
3. What if Tom Hanks was cast away 20 minutes from his house?
The Hollywood version:
In Castaway, Chuck Noland finds himself stranded on an island far away from civilization with no way to call for help and no hope of escape. Only one thing keeps him going, the thought of returning home to his wife.
The Korean version:
In Castaway on the Moon, Mr Kim likewise finds himself stranded on an island, but this is one of the islands that helps hold up a bridge across the Han River. In the middle of Seoul. Which means he could totally swim back to his house if he weren’t such a huge sissy.
Also, he still has his phone. And a boat.
But somehow, he manages to remain stranded for over a year, and starts to like it.
It’s a rough life, but one thing keeps him going. The goal of making himself some ramen to eat alone in his duck-boat. ★★★★★
4. What if Dracula was whipped?
The Hollywood version:
Vampires have had a long life in Hollywood, the rules of their existence changing through each inevitable reboot. But the one thing that remains the same, from the black and white to the sparkly, is their power over women. Whether biting a beauty to make her his obedient undead bride, or simply swooning with enough emo indifference that she inexplicably devotes her life to him, a vampire’s power over women remains unparalleled.
The Korean version:
The movie Thirst brought vampires back to dark and frightening territory, posing priest Sang Hyeon (played by veteran Korean actor Song Gang Ho) in a moral quandary when his newfound thirst for blood contrasts with his position as a man of the cloth.
He didn’t even get to be a vampire in any cool way; he just accidentally got vampire blood during a charity-trip blood transfusion. However, when he finally gives into his desires and bites his beautiful neighbor Tae-ju, his transformation into a monster begins… no, wait, scratch that. Her transormation begins. See, she’s super into the whole immortal monster thing. He becomes a depressed house-husband force to clean up her bloody messes. ★★★☆☆
5. What if A Few Good Men uncovered an ADORABLE conspiracy?
The Hollywood version:
Whenever a dead body is investigated in a Hollywood movie, you know that the trail is going to lead to a long kept secret that goes all the way up to the corridors of power. Whether its a high-ranking officer ordering the murder of one of his own soldiers, or the coverup of an even bigger crime.
The Korean version:
JSA: Joint Security Area doesn’t just take place on any old military, it takes place on the DMZ. A border with so much tension that one minor misstep could start World War III. But when a room full of dead bodies shows up, it uncovers a much cuter conspiracy.
It turns out that a small group of North and Korean soldiers, (including our friend Song Gang Ho again) who were never supposed to have contact with one another, had decided to become BFF and sneak out every night after curfew to bond over choco-pies and children’s games.
And well, kids can get into trouble sneaking out after curfew to hang out with their friends- committing acts of treason in the process only make matters worse. ★★★★★
6. What if The Wrestler never won a fight, and couldn’t even lose properly?
The Hollywood Version:
In The Wrestler, Robin “The Ram” Ramzowski is unfulfilled by his job in a supermarket and tries to return to his former glory as a wrestler.
This is a Hollywood underdog sports movie, so you know he’s either going to win the fight, or have a valuable moral victory in the process of giving it everything he has. Because in Hollywood even if you’re too young, too old, or both (in some franchises it depends on which disc you’re on in the box set) with the right attitude and training montage, you can make it to the top.
The Korean Version:
In The Foul King, Song Gang Ho (Yes, that’s our old friend under the mask)is unfulfilled by his job as a banker and turns to wrestling. He’s not an old pro, he’s just a bored banker who wanted to learn to how to get out of a headlock after his mean old boss picked on him and the girl he liked ignored him.
He’s terrible at it, completely out of shape, and his training montages usually lead to self-injury.
He never wins a fight, but he’s not supposed to. He’s hired as a ‘heel.’ The cheating villain that everyone loves to see lose. But in a staggering climax, he refuses to throw the fight and is determined to win.
But um, doesn’t.
But at least he learns not to tie his self worth on what others think of him, right?
No. The first thing he does is try to beat up his boss in a parking lot to impress the girl.
At least he wins the fight and gets the girl, right? Uh, no. He fails spectacularly at both of those as well. ★★★★☆
7. What if the Zodiac mystery was solved but no one did anything about it?
The Hollywood version:
In Hollywood movies, genius serial killers are always one step ahead of the police, taunting them with how little they have to go on. Because in reality, murderous lunatics are nothing if not rational and wise.
But there is always one passionate soul who will risk their lives, their jobs, and their relationships to find out who the killer is.
The Korean Version:
In The Chaser, Joong Ho is that one man chasing the killer that the cops can’t catch. Except he has no idea that the guy’s a killer. See, Joong Ho isn’t a reporter, he’s a pimp, and when half his girls go to one address and never return, he immediately suspects the worst.
Joong Ho catches the killer, drags him to the police station and tells them his suspicions… that the guy must be a rival pimp who’s poaching his employees.
So not only does he NOT implicate the killer in his crime, but he sits in front of a station full of policemen and implicates himself.
The killer however, laughs off the rival pimp angle and- because he is an unstable crazy person without a plan- tells the entire room of law enforcement officers, who already have him in custody and in handcuffs, that he has murdered dozens of people.
But due to bureaucratic red tape, office politics, and the complete incompetence and poor job performance you might expect after reading this list, they still let him get away to murder more people. ★★★★★
8. What if the romantic lead couldn’t help anyone get their groove back?
The Hollywood version:
In any Hollywood chick flick/lifetime movie, no matter what problems a woman has, they can all be solved by just meeting the right man.
Of course, she’ll turn him down at first, but all it takes for that man to win the girl of his dreams is persistence. Sure, creeping outside a woman’s window or keeping in constant contact with you after she asked you to leave her alone will earn you a restraining order in real life… but in Hollywood, that’s just straight up ROMANCE.
The Korean version:
In Secret Sunshine, Song Gang Ho (you again!) wants to be that man who helps Lee Shin-Ae turn it all around. She’s new in town, and has had some bad luck, but if he could just be her manic pixie dream dude and teach her how to love again, it would all be okay. He does all the things a quirky rom-com hero might do, but it just gets CREEPY.
He even converts to Christianity just so he can awkwardly hit on her at church.
He isn’t a bad guy, he feels like he wandered right off the set of a generic romcom. Unfortunately, he’s in the wrong movie. Secret Sunshine is a horribly depressing drama about a woman whose entire family was killed in not just one, but two different horrible tragedies. This isn’t a woman who’s problem is she’s too much of a workaholic, or just went through a messy divorce. She’s got some real stuff going on. Being okay is not just an eat a pray and a love away. Slow your roll, Song Gang Ho. Timing, geez. ★★★★☆
9. What if Scarface’s little friend didn’t even have bullets?
The Hollywood version:
A refugee gets involved in the drug trade and spends a lifetime amassing money, power, weapons to become the king of organized crime.
The Korean version:
In Nameless Gangster, an out of shape, corrupt, well-past-his-prime civil servant finds a stash of drugs and uses it to BS his way into the drug trade. No one actually respects him or is scared of him, but he stumbles through enough shady dealings that some yakuza associates give him a black market pistol.
Since guns are banned in Korea, he becomes the only gangster in town with one. And for years, he uses this tiny, mildly effeminate gun to demand power whenever even the most trivial argument fails to go his way. He hasn’t exactly become Scarface, but everyone has to at least tolerate him.
Things fall apart years later when it’s discovered that the Yakuza only gave him the gun- and he never figured out how to buy bullets. ★★★☆☆
10. What if John Doe were being chased by backwoods yokels?
The Hollywood Version:
Hollywood cops use every tool at their disposal to catch the killer. Sure, there was that whole box thing, but those dudes were good at their jobs.
The Korean Version:
Jesus, is that Song Gang Ho again? That dude loves to fail. In Memories of Murder, though, at least the ineptitude is historically accurate. The movie is based on the true story unsolved of Korea’s first serial killer. Back then the small town police force had none of the resources or training to conduct a proper investigation.
They can’t keep the evidence from being lost, damaged, or run over by tractors… and they have to wait for lab reports from America, even though they can’t even read the results, since they’re in English.
When Song Gang Ho isn’t wasting time beating false confessions out of completely innocent suspects, he’s chasing completely useless leads based on things he misunderstood, or that his fortune teller told him. His biggest lead is when he works up a theory on the killer’s junk, and spends an entire day at the local bathhouse peeping at other dudes to see if anyone’s penis matches the profile. ★★★★★
11. What if The Good, the Bad and the Ugly all screwed themselves out of the treasure?
The Hollywood -er, Italian version:
In The Good the Bad and The Ugly, The Good guy (Clint Eastwood) competes with two rivals to find a hidden crate of stolen confederate gold. Clint ends up with the treasure, but splits it with his rival just because he’s such a good guy.
I guess that’s where the name comes from.
The Korean Version:
In The Good, The Bad and The Weird, the rivals arrive at the treasure and find… a boarded-over empty hole.
With everyone assuming they’ve been double crossed by everyone else, a shootout busts out.
As both the Good and the Bad lay dying, a stray bullet uncovers that the treasure was just a little deeper… and a different type of gold. As black gold, Texas tea, shoots out of the bullet hole they realize how rich it could have made them. The only man who survived, The Weird, is now poised to take it all for himself. Except that he’s too dumb to have any idea how valuable oil is and just leaves.
Of COURSE The Weird is played by Song Gang Ho. ★★★☆☆
12. What if Nic Cage just wanted a dang vacation?
The Hollywood version:
In Wicker Man, Nicholas Cage plays a cop who heads to a mysterious remote island to find his long-lost daughter and becomes drawn into the odd rituals and customs of the locals. When their rituals turn deadly, Cage makes the ultimate sacrifice.
And no, I don’t just mean bees. Or punching woman and make-believe bears.
The Korean version:
In Bedevilled, Hae-Won, a bank teller who can barely handle the stress of counting other people’s money, is called to a mysterious remote island by a long-lost childhood friend.
The haunting guilt of the time Hae Won failed to stand up for her friend, who suffered horrific consequences, had a little to do with her decision to go… but mostly she just wanted a vacation. Banking is hard, guys! And not everyone is cut out to be a wrestler!
Unfortunately the odd customs and rituals of the locals reveal the unimaginable life her friend has. When the unending pain, torture, and emotional manipulation turn deadly, Hae-Won… well, she still does nothing. It’s just too awkward, you know? No need to ruin the vacation.
Eventually, realizing her captor isn’t going to lift a finger to help her, the damsel-in-distress decides to say ‘hell with it’ and just single-handedly murder every character in the movie herself. ★★☆☆☆
13. What if no one bothered to catch the Cloverfield monster?
The Hollywood Version:
In movies like Cloverfield or Pacific Rim, the government mobilizes huge military task forces to fight the monsters that threaten their cities.
The Korean version:
In The Host (no, not the Stephanie Meyer movie) a monster attacks Seoul and in response the government sends- well, nobody.
See, one dude who touched the monster kinda has the sniffles, and everyone is convinced that a new global pandemic is about to break out. They organize an international military response that leaves every available monster fighter either quarantined, or doing the quarantining.
And thus everyone basically forgets that a big old man eating monster is on the loose, and there’s a small girl waiting to be rescued.
It’s up to her grandpa, her narcoleptic learning-disable dad, her alcoholic uncle and her aunt to sneak out of the quarantine and try to save her.
I don’t want to spoil the ending for you, but if you’re wondering if they somehow, against all odds, her idiot father who needed nepotism to get a job at a snack stand will find a way to defeat a giant monster and save his daughter, it may help to know that her father is played by Song Gang Ho. ★★★★★
*that is not what Oldboy is about
** Star ratings are how worthwhile it is to seek the film out. ★☆☆☆☆ is ‘yeah, this was pretty good, but I wouldn’t go out of my way to get a copy’ while ★★★★★ is “HOLY CRAP SOO GOOD WATCH IT NOW even if you have to get into a bidding war on eBay.”
***this was written by Ryan Estrada. Check out my stuff at ryanestrada.com
