Cheesus Christ

Do you know what this neat little utensil is?

This my friends, is our cheese slicer.

Do you know what it’s used for?

Yes, that’s absolutely right. It’s used for slicing cheese. You’re so smart.

So, we have a cheese slicer. We use it for slicing cheese. Okay, mostly for cheese. I admit sometimes, things like cucumbers will get sliced with it too, if we need the slices length wise. But it’s still a cheese slicer. Most of the time, what’s sliced with it is cheese.

Not to be confused with the cheese grater. That’s this thing right here.

Same principle, different results. Cheese slicer is for making sandwiches, cheese grater is for cooking.

So far it seems pretty straight forward, yes? Yeah I thought so as well. So please explain to me, when I was a bit hungry and about to make myself a sandwich, I find the cheese looking like this?

What kind of barbaric, sadistic, brute would take their frustrations out on our well loved, defenseless quarter wheel of Gouda? Why take a knife to this poor hump of cheese, psycho style? Seriously, how do you even use the results of this act of cheese mutilation? Unless it went straight into the offender’s mouth. — I can kind of understand that, I sometimes eat cheese straight from the hump myself. But I do take care to just cut a piece straight off. As can be seen from the not-tapered shape at the top of this picture.

I am not completely comfortable with admitting to how upset I really am, finding the cheese like this. You know, I have heard the stories about relationship fights over one person’s refusal to use a cheese slicer. I’ve listened to them in disbelieve, thinking that off all the topics you can get into a fight over, cheese seems to be a rather irrelevant one. I want to publicly apologize to all the wronged halves of couples I have judged in silence in the past. I do now feel your pain, brothers and sisters.

The one thing that makes it so I can’t just moved passed this incident is; there was pre-sliced cheese in the fridge! Store bought slices, with the perfect dimensions for bread, so it sticks out a little, but not too much. The kind of cheese cured in brick shapes so each slice has the same length and width. Very lovely real cheese, that’s perfect for hassle free sandwiches. There was no need for…this.

I almost used those slices myself. But as any cheese lover knows, the cheese you slice yourself off the block tastes different. Three thinly sliced pieces of cheese on top of each other is not the same as one thick slice. It just isn’t. I’m sure it has something to do with oxygenation of the cheese. And I wanted those paper thin slices of Gouda. With cucumber. Sliced length wise.

I know who the guilty party is in this case. In the name of full disclosure, It was not my other half.

Had that been the case, I am sure, instead of writing this blog I would have sat him down and said: “Honey, we need to talk.”

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