Confession

(Gawd, I’m relentless)

My partner injured his hand in a Aikido training session. I feel a little guilty, I have been encouraging him to take up martial arts again. Which makes me partially responsible for his injury. Of course I never meant for him to push himself so hard he’s injure himself. Or, as the case may be, let himself get pushed so hard he’d injure himself…

Okay, so I know him well enough to know this outcome was inevitable. It was still good advice. Good stress relieve. Good exercise. And he talked about his previous martial arts training as if he genuinely enjoyed practicing it. I had been encouraging him to pick it up again. Not pushing to start from scratch. It’s not like he went in blind…

Okay, fine, so I like martial arts. I admire the way it makes a body move. I like what it does to confidence and the mind. It’s nice. I do have this thing that I’d like to see him spar at some point. If it doesn’t happen I’d still be fine with that though…

Yes, okay fine, I’ve been saying I’d like to pick up martial arts at and I never have. (geesh, I’m not allowing myself to get away with this, am I? Brutal, me, brutal.) I don’t think I’ll be good at it. I never have been good at sports unless they put me in the water. I think I still have bruises from the time I tried inline-skating. Balancing and me are not friends. No, it’s irrelevant that I met my ex during inline-skating and he was really good.

Fine, not irrelevant. I want to do something, and I either know or think I can’t and I will admire the ability of others to do what I’d like to do. Small part, tiny little part of the attraction. I know, with martial arts I never even tried. Yes, I’m a wimp. Happy now, me?

I’m a wimp and I’m trying to live secondhand what I like to do through others who I think are better at it than me, instead of sucking it up and sticking with it long enough to get good myself.

Because I am a wimp, my partner is now injured.

Yes, I know what I should do about it.

— Deep sigh —

Where can I sign up?