Maybe Ghosting Is Kind
I have never written a proper breakup.
Oh, sure, I have written about my own break up and divorce, but that’s not the same as creating fiction.
And I’ve written a few flash fictions about breakups, but those relationships were created for the sole purpose of breaking up; I was never invested in the relationship I created. Reading back, the stories were all one sided and (with only one exception) the person being dumped obviously deserved to be dumped.
I’ve never written about a fictional relationship that started out as an honest connection between two characters, both with flaws and strengths, both with their likable and unlikable sides, who break up in all it’s messy, ambiguous glory. The way my current work in progress is going, I will have to before the year is up. The stress of inflicting that sort of pain is blocking my flow to write. I have less issues killing characters off.
Breaking up is hard to do, even in fiction.
I’m leading with this fact, because if I simply state I have been thinking about the end of relationships a lot lately, someone might get needlessly nervous. So let me address my love directly; you’re not going to be rid of me anytime soon.
Since breakups are on my mind, I’ve started reading people’s break up stories. Quora is filled with them. It’s perhaps not a place to get a good sample, but my intention is writing fiction not a sociology paper. Still, something about Quora’s attitudes about breakups jumped out at me.
There’s a universal idea that one needs a good enough reason to break up with someone for it to be a legitimate breakup. Not being happy in a relationship apparently isn’t a good enough reason by itself.
So many stories tell of partners making each other miserable. My own story fits neatly into this category as well; fights, tensions, lack of intimacy (which is hard when you are at each other’s throats all the time) lack of respect, all of the things that would suggest both parties would be better off alone. But the breakup doesn’t happen just yet, first they have to start looking for evidence of the good enough reason. Usually infidelity, but sometimes substance abuse qualifies.
This is a self fulfilling prophecy, when you think about it. When you are living in misery it is only a matter of time before one or both involved will seek solace in the arms of a third person, or in drugs or alcohol. One way or another people will find ways to cope. How much time will depend on the people involved. If you have good, loyal people the misery can drag on for years. Eventually one is going to betray the other.
If there’s not a good enough reason, and a breakup is attempted anyway, a whole different from of misery ensues. One party will try to convince the other to give them “one more chance”. They will want to know what they can do to make things better. They will desperately try to change themselves. And that either doesn’t work or doesn’t stick, for much the same reason gay conversion therapy doesn’t work or doesn’t stick: you can’t change the person you are at your core.
Sometimes two people aren’t good together.
Any breakup will hurt. There’s real pain in losing the beautiful dreams you had in the beginning. Even if you weren’t happy you’re losing part of your identity. You will go through hell. You will doubt yourself, the world and the concept of love. This pain is inevitable, but eventually you will heal.
There’s only one type of story I’ve encountered that doesn’t come with the extra misery people inflict upon themselves on top of the necessary loss. It goes like this: “I don’t really know what went wrong. One day we were fine, and the next they ghosted me.”
