Sex Is Like Pizza

Love is like pizza as well

This is now a real thing. Domino’s has a wedding registry service. Shut up, I have just decided I am completely pro-marriage. In fact, getting married is now a permanent bullet point on my 10 year life plan. And Domino’s is the only place I will register. You all can buy me pizza. Lots and lots of glorious pizza. It’s the only thing I want; Dominoes e-gift cards for Pizza.

Also, thank you Domino’s. I’ve now realized, if I want to make really seductive pictures, I need to be holding a slice of pizza. It’s so obvious, I am kicking myself for not realizing it sooner. Specially in a pristine white dress, without tomato sauce stains. That’s some skill, right?

As I told the very-likely-groom-if-I-do-get-married; the registry is just practical. I fully intend to spend the honeymoon period burning a lot of calories, and being much too busy to cook. So delivery pizza is ideal. Free delivery pizza is better.

My love’s reaction was: “The delivery drivers on that route would learn to prepare to have the door answered by people in various states of undress.” Because he’s considerate of other people like that.

A (near) naked <gender of choice> opening the door for the delivery person. What does that sound like to you? …Exactly, right?

Which brought the best marketing idea of this decade. Product-placement porn.

No seriously, when you’re done giggling, hear me out.

We have all become so blasé about commercials. Even made to go viral videos and fake commercials don’t get much more reaction than a yawn these days. Of course sex still sells, but advertising firms need to find more and more shocking versions of sex to grab out attention. And that leads to some pretty weird things. Like this.

That’s real. Well, it never became a real commercial, but it’s a real pitch made by a real advertising company to have it run as a real commercial. I think Domino’s just didn’t get the relation between spicy-hot pizza and Day of the Tentacle, and never approved it.

Oh wait, that’s not a tentacle, that’s a disembodied tongue with…a mouth.

Right, sentence above should have read: I think Domino’s just didn’t get the relation between spicy-hot pizza and Kung Pow: Enter the Fist, and never approved it.

The problem isn’t the reference to kinky sex. We can deal with kinky sex. Hell, kinky sex is on the best seller’s list. For some inexplicable reason badly written kinky sex, but I digress.

The problem is, they are trying to make it about sex, without explicitly being about sex. The result is just weird and doesn’t work. Subtle doesn’t work anymore. Innuendo doesn’t work anymore. This whole is-but-isn’t thing is obsolete. Just give the people what they want: something to fap to — Product placement porn.

It would help out both industries. The adult entertainment industry took some pretty big hits with internet on every computer and phone. Less people than ever are paying for porn. Adult entertainers just aren’t pulling in the paychecks they once did. It’s a pretty sad state of affairs when porn stars need to have second jobs to get by. I think these people are really getting fucked over by the system.

Ironically, internet on every computer and every phone also means more people than ever are watching porn. That is a lot of untapped eyeballs. Imagine what this can do for brands. If I get to watch a hot scene of a couple comfortably fucking in the backseat of the car, that would certainly spark my interest in owning such a car. You could even have one of the actors remark on how spacious it is. Or how springy the cushions are. It can only improve on the standard porn-dialogue.

And with the enormous spectrum of kinks and fetishes, the possibilities are endless. Toothpaste for oral sex. Chains, chastity belt videos proudly sponsored by locksmiths. Squirting porn double sponsored by Diet Coke and Mentos.

Charities should get in on the fun! Medical procedure videos paid for by the prostate cancer awareness foundation. Gas mask play videos made by Greenpeace. Oh wait, would that last one be counter productive? Hm, maybe more something for the oil-industry.

It’s the way of the future. Honestly. The next generation will be masturbating to Product-placement porn.

Capitalism is beautiful.