Friday 17 March: Wine or meditation?
No beer yesterday but a phone call instead. God, I miss him. We talked last night for 1.5 hours which is quite a brief conversation for us. Just the sound of his voice makes me feel like I’m in a safe house where nobody can hurt me. The dumb irony of that is that he hurts me!! Relationships are so fucked up! I guess I carved an epic space for him in my life and now he’s ‘not there’ the space is vacant and feels so empty. And it’s not that I need a man to fill it, either. It’s that he was three people to me: my best friend, mentor and lover. It’s like I’ve lost three of the closest people to me all at once. Which also means there’s triple the danger of me falling back into this thing. If he didn’t drink… if he wasn’t so fucked up with his own shit… if he didn’t take it all out on me… then we’d work.
Yes, typing that made me sound like a giant moron which I definitely am… well, when it comes to this crap. It’s so hard to keep being strong when you’ve left an abusive relationship, which, frankly, I should have received an award for after what I went through. Strong me is super proud of myself. Weak me thinks he’ll change and then I’ll be happy. Is there a parallel universe out there somewhere that can join my mini-verse with his so that it’s perfect and safe and everything I’ve ever wanted? Or is my head in the weak, shitty spot this morning? No, I’m okay. I’m strong today. Even after our chat. Three P’s me (positive, productive, purposeful, positive, productive, purposeful positive, productive, purposeful!!).
Meditation was good today. Except for the annoying neighbours and their new infant crying with the lungs of some large bird! It’s really not helping my whole ’35 and single’ hang up… 3 P’s, 3 P’s!