How to be a Homophobic Christian

I have nothing against gay people. I just don’t like it when they express affection in public. It freaks me out.

I’m proud to say that when I was in high school, I sat in a bible study and uttered those exact words. I was pretty obviously homophobic back then, and I, like many other reasonable Christians, thought that my homophobia had a divine stamp of approval on it.

Unfortunately, I no longer think this way. I don’t think its sinful for members of the same sex to be in a romantic, sexual relationship with one another. In fact, I don’t think that God has any problem at all with members of the LGBT community, and I’ve almost come to respect them.

In spite of all my efforts, I can no longer believe that gay relationships are sinful. I can’t help but be impressed by the bravery demonstrated by members of the LGBT community when they face all of the fear and hate we send their way. In short, it is too late for me. I’m stuck with these heretical, unreasonable, compassionate beliefs.

Fortunately, my downfall can be your salvation. I know the mistakes that have led me down this heretical path, and I can state them clearly so that you can avoid them. It may not be too late for you, dear reader. Although the culture at large is moving to accept the LGBT community, I think that I may be able to help you retain your divinely inspired homophobia.

I have several recommendations that you should consider following, but I will only present the first recommendation below because (for reasons that will become clear as we go on) it is very important that you understand and act upon this first recommendation before we go on to consider the others.

1. Cultivate a small amount of hate for gay people

Shortly after I made the aforementioned comment at my high school bible study, I learned that one of the people in the room was gay. He was a visitor, and he never visited our bible study again after I made that comment.

Understandably, I felt terrible. I worried that the gay student that I insulted would never become a Christian because of my insulting comment and that as a result of his failure to convert, he would spend eternity in hell. I worried, in short, that I would be responsible for the fact that this student would be condemned to suffer eternally.

Worrying about this, however, was my first and greatest mistake. I shouldn’t have cared that that gay student would burn forever in hell because if you want to be a good homophobic Christian, you shouldn’t really have any compassion for LGBT people at all.

In fact, you really should learn to hate LGBT people just a little bit. I say “a little bit” because it is important that you don’t let your hatred for gay people get too intense. If that happens, you will start to recognize the hatred inside you as such, and it will be hard for you to square your homophobic hatred with the aspects of Christianity that emphasize love, compassion, and mercy.

Given the danger of cultivating too much hatred for LGBT people, you might be wondering why it’s necessary to hate LGBT people at all. You might think to yourself, “Why shouldn’t we simply believe that there’s something sinful about gay relationships and leave hatred out of the process altogether?”

This naive question is understandable. You probably asked it because there are many Christians who think this way. There are many Christians, in other words, who merely think that there’s something sinful about gay relationships but who also have compassion for LGBT people.

These Christians, however, are not to be emulated, for they are well on their way to losing their homophobia. As we’ll see later, there are seemingly powerful arguments against the claim that gay relationships are sinful, and the only way that you will be able to dismiss those arguments as invalid is to drawn on your (small amount of) hatred for gay people.

Thus, a small amount of hatred for LGBT people is necessary in order to retain your homophobia in these desperate times. You need enough hatred to ignore seemingly plausible arguments whose conclusions would force you to accept LGBT people as beings who are created equally in God’s image and who are equally permitted to engage in loving, romantic relationships. However, you need to avoid having so much hatred that you are conscious of the hate within your breast, for then you will be stuck with impossible task of squaring your hate with your religion of love.

I cannot emphasize enough the importance of this recommendation, and I will not make another recommendation until I am sure that you have managed to follow this one perfectly. I’ll be praying for you.

-S.K.

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