Listening as an Act of Hospitality: Time To Think
Can I be sure that what I as the listener am about to say will be of more value than what you are about to think?
– Nancy Kline, The Promise That Changes Everything
In 2020 I led a workshop in a larger organisation and managed the initial session on „How can we get to know each other not too informally and not too formally.“ As the whole program of this large organisation is about change and future foresight, the main narrative would be „we hear — we listen“. So why not apply this with a practical method reflecting this approach?
We practised „mindful listening“ in dyads, meaning paying full attention to the other party. I always like to share this quote by Henri Nouwen, that in my eyes, explains the magic of fully listening in a profound, three-fold statement:
To listen is very hard because it asks of us so much interior stability that we no longer need to prove ourselves by speeches, arguments, statements, or declarations. True listeners no longer have an inner need to make their presence known. They are free to receive, to welcome, to accept.
Listening is much more than allowing another to talk while waiting for a chance to respond. Listening is paying full attention to others and welcoming them into our very beings.
The beauty of listening is that those who are listened to start feeling accepted, start taking their words more seriously and discovering their own true selves. Listening is a form of spiritual hospitality by which you invite strangers to become friends, to get to know their inner selves more fully, and even to dare to be silent with you.
Henri Nouwen’s life has always inspired me. I am lucky to attend circles from a direct scholar of Henri these days. His journey resonates a lot with my personal life. His book about his journey to Rembrand´s „The return of the prodigal son“ is insights and wisdom for me.
Returning to this quote, his statement about the Hospitality of Listening does not start „softly“. It starts right with us, the listeners.
- Interior stability comes from inner work
Henri Nouwen points out that the ability to listen fully is not an easy act. To do so, we have to be able to let go of any triggers to make our own thoughts known, to show up and speak out our intelligent arguments. When we let go of these inner prompts, we can fully receive and listen. But this requires a lot of confidence. How can we build this?
Henri once pointed out: „Silence is the fertile ground for growth“. We may not gain more inner stability by making our arguments known. But by experiencing and exploring silence in places of solitude, we might develop more inner stability — because we are faced with the only one human being that we sometimes fear being alone with: ourselves.
When we develop inner stability, we can let go of the inner need to make our presence known. We finally can be present, free to receive and to welcome.
2. Listening means: To listen.
The second part might be a challenge for some of us and Henri is very clear on this: Listening is far more than waiting for our next chance to speak.
Listening is not just a pause between our speeches.
It is not only allowing another to talk while we wait for our next chance to respond or to share something smart. Listening is paying full attention to others. By doing so, we are welcoming them into our very beings. This means: we connect on a level of our beings, not about our exterior communication.
3. Hospitality
The results of fully listening are profound and couldn`t be more relevant today in times of immense distractions and a world constantly in a rush: Others feel accepted.
They feel heard. They take their own words more seriously. By thinking out loud, they are discovering their own words and, by that, their own true selves.
For Henri, listening is a form of spiritual hospitality.
As Henri lived with disabled people in his later life, he was always concerned about inclusiveness. For him, listening is an act of hospitality. The transformation resulting from genuinely listening is a spiritual gift for Henri. A transformation is a relational act: the process of strangers becoming friends. By that, they get to know their inner selves more fully in companion with you.
And if they connect based on human beings with you, you may even share beautiful and sacred moments of silence — together.
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Sometimes we experience this in workshops or moments on our retreats: After the excitement has settled and everyone has gotten to know each other, people start to open themselves more and more and share life stories in trust and vulnerability. Then, sometimes the magic happens: Everyone becomes silent. And no one misses a thing. No one feels the urge to share something. We can just be present with others, listening to the beauty of the silence. Listen to the heartbeats of others.
Growing together on the fertile ground of silence.
After the workshop, I was asked if I knew Nancy Kline and her work on „Time to Think ‘’? I was unsure, it sounded familiar, but somehow I noticed I must have a blind spot. Immediately I looked her up and ordered all books of Nancy Kline. I was amazed and deeply inspired when reading „Time to Think ‘’ and „The Promise That Changes Everything“.
So right now, I am diving into the content on the path of becoming a certified „Time To Think“ facilitator. But for me, it is more a journey about what began with Henri`s writing. I find myself lucky to be invited to one of the circles of one of his master students. And I think I am becoming a student of Nancy Kline`s teachings. It feels like something I already applied — but now someone has given me a dictionary and a rich manual for applying it.
I will close with a reflection on the Ten Components (I somehow remember them as „Ten Commandments“ for Time To Think) of a Thinking Environment.
The Ten Components of a Thinking Environment®
1. Attention
Listening without interruption and with interest in where the person will go next in their thinking.
I could not think, of anything more profound: To provide your listening partner with your fullest attention. In my reflection, this has been the hardest and yet most foundational component.
It takes a lot of energy.
You have to be ready.
You have to become a “place” for attention.
At the same time, you want to provide your attention with “ease”.
And you may not be able to give 100% of your attention. There will always be three (or even more) streams of attention and distraction: internal and external distraction.
Traction derives from the Latin word “trahere”, meaning “to draw or pull.”
2. Equality
Regarding each other as thinking peers, giving equal time to think.
Equality may look as an easier-to-handle component, as we can measure it with time. But there may be other dimensions coming into place in thinking rounds: power play, posture, etc.
3. Ease
Discarding internal urgency.
A constant challenge. How can we be focused, attentive and still be at ease?
4. Appreciation
Noticing what is good and saying it.
Once you are applying it to meetings and conversations you discover what a significant impact appreciation can have to every interaction.
Appreciation must be authentic, sincere and specific. It should not be a broad sympathetic statement but appreciating a quality in someone’s else. Not appreciating a tasks or an effort, but more an inner quality.
5. Feelings
Welcoming the release of emotion.
Yes.
6. Encouragement
Giving the courage to go to the unexplored edge of thinking by ceasing competition as thinkers.
Note to myself: I easily forget this one.
7. Information
Supplying facts, recognising social context, and dismantling denial.
How can I provide precise information (as much as needed) without influencing the thinking of others too much?
8. Difference
Championing our inherent diversity of identity and thought.
How can I foster difference not only in terms of gender, origin etc. but also in terms of the diversity of thinking?
9. Incisive Questions
Freeing the human mind of an untrue assumption lived as true.
How can we remove thinking blocks for our thinking partners?
10. Place
Producing a physical environment — the room, the listener, your body — that says, ‘You matter’.
I guess this is where it all starts and ends:
How can I become a place for people to think well?
And how can I become a place for hospitality in light of Henri’s words?
