“Do you ever feel that way? Lonely, restless, calm, and then hear the shattering sound of your everything breaking?”
The world crumbles at my feet, I stare into the oblivion.
Nothing is beside me, nothing will be there and
As my blackness engulfs everything, my shadow mocks my stillness
My restlessness grows, nothing seizes — not even the tears.
In desperation, I search for an anchorage
To wait by the phone for a call, even if the call was an hour away
I build walls and smash them, only to lose my balance
Only to be angrier. Only to be with Loneliness.
Today it is different. I want a hand to touch my soul.
I want a reason to keep believing, for someone to hear my muffled cries.
I don’t want my sleep to be only friend, I want someone, (Anyone?)
I can no more play games, I can no more win –
Drink a little too much, try a little too hard — I can no more go to my cold bed, alone.
I want people to be with me, and yet not be there
I want someone to know me, and yet, also to keep their distance.
I long for someone to need me, accept me — I know that is impossible
To demand someone to agree to my twisted ways — To agree, to disagree
Still, I remain there. Trapped.
Somewhere still, even as my Heart coaxes me out in the broad daylight,
Only to disembowel it in the burning heat of the sun, I feel Loneliness reach out to me,
As I close my eyes. My scarf twists around my neck and strangles my breath
I feel it like a snake slithering on my body, seeping through my skin
Reaching, hiding and waiting, to strike me. Yet it will find nothing living in me,
It’s cold inside for long. Too long.

