Unwritten Journal
Published in

Unwritten Journal

Loss

image by author

I don’t remember what day it was. She was pregnant for two months or so. We went to regular check with the gynecologist.

We decided to go to our weekend cabin. It has a small yard with many trees and different fruits. Green and soft grass were all around the tiny house. Oscar, the neighbor’s puppy, came over. Oscar always did that. He was not asking for something; he came to meet us. This time he did not visit us but stayed with us. We sat on the grass, reading and laughing under the tree. Puppy calmly sits next to her, pushing his moist nose into her stomach. We spent the whole day there. Happy.

It was the weekend after our loss. We went to the shopping mall not knowing what was happening there. They organized babies day. We were surrounded by couples smiling and talking to their babies. We ran out with eyes full of tears.

She was in the doctor’s office for a couple of minutes. I was looking around, wondering what all the couples had in their minds sitting there. Very clean, white, and polished up to the sterility waiting room. The doctor opened the door. She asked me, with a smile, to step in. She mimicked with her head showing me where to sit. I set. On ample display was white noise. She went back to her chair and took something into her hand. Slowly and gently put that onto her stomach, and the picture on display changed into some shapes. She was lying down while the doctor managed to find the right angle. And for the first time, I saw my baby. I was overwhelmed by emotions so intense I had never felt before. We were all smiling. Suddenly, the doctor stopped smiling and said — kids, albeit we were in our late thirties, something is wrong.

Ana looked at me with eyes full of tears, almost asking for forgiveness. It was not her fault. I knew that.

Loss.

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Danijel Crncec

Danijel Crncec

Father of a daughter, music lover, occasional writer.