Morning Reports

DAY 20

Jan 20: Beautifully cooked

Finally! I can sit down to write my spontaneous morning report.

6:56 — Perfect timing this morning, good night sleep. I did wake up at 4:30 again, but jumped back to dreamland effortlessly.

Kids were up early too, so I had to wait for everyone to take off Planet Home before getting my thoughts back in order.

Yesterday’s report was incomplete, the subject was too wide to round up and had to be divided.

So here goes round 2.

Besides the freeing realisation that a partner’s unfaithfulness wasn’t truly a critical issue for me, how did I keep my head out of the storm with being unfaithful myself?

First and foremost there’s an energetic factor. I find it draining, chaotic and self-destructive.

Sustaining one partnership is enough of a daily effort, any additional intimate relationship would prove to be exhausting.

I just don’t have the energy.

Morally speaking, cheating would also drown me in contradictions and I need to maintain some emotional stability to prevent gigantic internal crises.

But being in contact with people around, and learning their story has taught me that this process is far from being the norm. It has been truly interesting to try to understand human nature. I can’t help but feel some admiration for how resilient people are to their own humanity.

My biggest lesson of humility, however, has been to fall into limerence myself, and having to fight off the feelings.

The second I escaped fairyland I was sucked into another orbit, and it has been extremely challenging to navigate out of the intense pull.

None of my previous coping strategies were being effective, and I lost sleep and appetite. There was this hopeless understanding that I was completely alone fending off a dragon.

And facing this terrible beast unveiled unexpected sides of me. I thought I would never have to reconsider my convictions. They had been so easy to follow up to this turning point.

I have rarely been in love. And when I am, it feels like being swallowed by a tidal wave.

This was the first time I HAD to swim against the tide before it destroyed who I am. I had to take drastic measures to keep me afloat, when my subconscious layer consistently pulled me under.

And to make matters worse, my monster woke up.

I sometimes wonder if all of this wasn’t just a desperate attempt of freedom from the empty wasteland I had locked myself in.

My monster is trying to wake me up.

I’m at war.

But I haven’t caved in… there’s peace to be found in this.

When I’m out of the tide, washed on the shore of lost love, I imagine the desert ahead will feel like a liberation.

An old lady in the desert, wearing off her walking shoes. Finally…