Common Issues for Married Couples and What You Can Do About It
Does Your Sex Life Have to Decline After Marriage?
It’s not called the honeymoon period for nothing. The first few months of a romantic relationship are revered for the excitement and passion that definite it. But after the initial spark, excitement can give way to predictability, and passion to complacency.
This doesn’t necessarily reflect the strength of a relationship, rather it’s a natural change in perception occuring when the novelty factor starts to dwindle — nothing can be new forever.
Nevertheless, the potential malaise that exists between a married couple can have negative impacts on their sex life, and their marriage by extension.
Decreasing sexual activity in marriage doesn’t appear to be just a tall tale that older gentlemen grumble about at the bar. A 2017 study that looked at sexual activity among Americans between 1989 and 2014 found that married couples are having less sex now than they were 15 years ago. The typical matrimonial pair had sex 73 times a year in 1990. In 2014, that number was down to 55.
Let’s save unpacking all the societal factors potentially at play related to a decrease in sexual activity (longer work hours, more screen time etc.) for a different article, and focus on what experts have determined to be common factors in declining sexual frequency and satisfaction among married couples.
1. Differing expectations of sex frequency among spouses
Therapist and divorce expert Christine Gallagher notes one partner constantly being the primary initiator of sexual activity can be a serious impediment to a happy marriage. If neither individual is satisfied with the frequency of sexual activity, resentment and anger can build over time. Given the variance in sex drive among all humans, this can be problematic.
The differences between men and women’s attitude towards sex can exacerbate this even further. Studies have shown evidence of women exhibiting less consistency than men over time when it comes to sexual desire, including a higher responsiveness to sociocultural variables. Yet, anecdotally, we’ve all come across heterosexual marriages and relationships wherein the woman’s willingness to engage in sexual acvitity is higher than the man’s.
Either way, a mismatch in this domain can be a cause of sexual dissatisfaction — and one that doesn’t go away over time unless it’s addressed.
2. Difficulty discussing sexual needs and wants
Despite what you may have heard about the sexual revolution in the 1960’s, and more recent “hookup culture”, openly communicating about sex can still be uncomfortable for many, and taboo for some. American psychologist Michael Karson acknowledges that those who grew up in families in which sex was a touchy subject might continue having apprehensions about verbalizing desires and dislikes regarding sexual activity into their adulthood.
Gathering the courage to ask for what one or both partners need can therefore cause a lot of anxiety and worry. Without having previously normalized discussions around sex, fears of rejection during these conversations are often palpable: what if I ask for what I want and my partner shoots me down? The implicit shame that can come from growing up in a family or community that avoided the topic all together, coupled with a fear of rejection can be toxic to a marriage.
3. A lack of passion
Now we come back to the aforementioned diminishing passion that occurs in almost every relationship. Again, this reality is not a reflection of any one individual relationship. In fact, it’s something that probably affects most humans.
In an interview with Business Insider, therapist and relationship expert Rachel Sussman suggests evolution might be working against us here — or at least, it hasn’t had the chance to catch up with our modern day longevity. In pre-modern times, global life expectancy was around 30 years. Since 1900, it has risen to 70. We, as a species, are simply not yet used to relationships of this duration.
Experts thus assert that there is nothing abnormal about diminishing passion. It’s simply something that requires awareness and hard work to overcome.
It takes work
Overcoming these three obstacles (there are surely more than three) can be challenging. But an insurmountable challenge, it is not. If a lack of passion or dearth of time is getting in the way of sexual activity, one strategy is to schedule a regular date night. Family and relationship expert Dianne Grande makes it known that in her experience, planning a date-night shouldn’t be optional — it’s an important aspect of maintaining a healthy relationship. And if erectile dysfunction is getting in the way of a healthy sex life, consulting a medical professional may be in order.
For the other two issues mentioned above, it comes back to what many believe to be the main pillar of any healthy relationship: communication. In a previous article, we looked at three different types of communication to help navigate feelings of anxiety with a partner. A healthy relationship will require frank and respectful discussions of all aspects of the relationship, including sex.
Neither you nor your partner can control the impact of time on a relationship. But within control of both partners is how they acknowledge and work through the difficulties presented by long term relationships.
