How To Talk About ED and Support Your Partner
How One Friends Character Missed the Mark
Disclaimer: Your healthcare provider is the best source of health and medical information. Articles written by UPGUYS are informed by peer-reviewed studies and research, as well as governmental health authorities and agencies — but they cannot replace advice from a healthcare professional. Talk to your healthcare provider about any physical or mental health concerns you might have.
Fans of the tv series Friends might recall one particularly heated exchange between on-again, off-again, “we were on a break” couple Ross and Rachel.
Ross storms out of Rachel’s room after an unsuccessful attempt at rekindling their romance. After a few verbal barbs, Rachel gets the last words in, words that strike fear in the heart of many men who experience erectile dysfunction:
“It’s not that common. It doesn’t happen to every guy. And it is a big deal!”
Contrary to Rachel’s assertions, she’s either completely or partially incorrect on all three counts. Let’s break it down.
It’s Not That Common
Erectile dysfunction is in fact a common condition — it affects between 5–20 percent of Canadian men of all ages, and nearly 50 percent of all men over the age of 40.
It Doesn’t Happen to Every Guy
True, erectile dysfunction doesn’t necessarily happen to 100 percent of men. This is certainly the case when you consider clinical definitions of ED, which usually include difficulties getting an erection sufficient for intercourse more than half the time, over a period of three months. But most men can expect to have difficulties achieving and maintaining an erection from time to time.
It is a big Deal!
Exclamation point notwithstanding, erectile dysfunction can be a big deal, but it doesn’t have to be. If ED is related to a serious underlying health issue like diabetes or cardiovascular illness, then yes, point to Rachel. But more minor cases of ED shouldn’t be blown out of proportion.
Whether or not Rachel’s thoughts on ED hold up to logical scrutiny, they reflect the perception of many men and women. To be sure, shouting at your partner about his ED will not solve anything (unless he’s into that sort of thing).
Instead, there are more effective ways a partner can be supportive of his or her partner. Encouraging him to see a doctor and explore prescription options like Viagra, Cialis and Levitra is one option, but perhaps not the first. Here are a few you can try if you find yourself in this very situation.
Talk About It
It can be difficult for men and women to talk about sexual issues — erectile dysfunction can be exceptionally difficult. Men might feel embarrassed at their inability to perform. And women can worry their partner doesn’t find them sexy. These are very real feelings, feelings that definitely won’t go away if left unsaid.
If the man is having trouble initiating the conversation, their partner might have to take the lead. Try to talk about it in a way that isn’t emotionally charged. Instead, share what you’ve observed and ask some empathetic questions. “Have you dealt with this before?” “Do you experience it a lot?” “Is there anything I can do to help?”.
Consider Talking to a Doctor
Men aren’t usually the first to jump at the idea of talking to a doctor, but it can be an important step in overcoming erectile dysfunction. The good news is, thanks to advances in telemedicine, you can schedule a visit with a licensed doctor without having to leave the house. If the doctor determines it’s the best course of action, she might prescribe medicine from a class of drugs known as PDE5 inhibitors like Levitra, Viagra and Cialis. You can then order the medication online and have it delivered to your front door in discreet packaging — easy peasy.
Reduce Performance Pressure
Sex can too often be overly focussed on the penis and intercourse. This puts a lot of pressure on the penis-haver. Instead, a healthy sex life can involve a lot more than penetrative sex. Using your mouth, hands (even feet — if you’re into that sort of thing), and toys can take some of the pressure off of the penis and allow both partners to enjoy other forms of stimulation. This can also add some novelty and excitement to the bedroom.
Do Your Homework
Rachel’s visceral reaction is not uncommon. But as we’ve seen, she was a little off when it came to the facts of the matter. Understanding the causes of ED can help remove some of the emotion and stigma behind it. Instead of each partner feeling as though there’s something wrong with them, resources like academic journals, government health authorities, and blogs/articles from reputable outlets that are based on peer-reviewed studies can offer a lot of insight into ED.
Be Patient
Erectile dysfunction is no fun for anyone involved. It’s important to take seriously and consider ways of overcoming erectile issues, but patience in this matter is no doubt a virtue. Understand that it’s ultimately up to the one with ED to want to seek help, so forcing their hand might be counterproductive. Even if a doctor decides that prescription medicine is an appropriate tool, Viagra, Cialis and Levtira don’t necessarily work the first or every time.
What Rachel Should Have Said
It might be a bit reductive to use a fight between two fictional characters from a fictional TV show to understand how to have healthy conversations about erectile dysfunction. But it’s been said before that art has a way of holding up a mirror to reality.
There’s no doubt that many women feel the way Rachel did in that particular scene. And there’s equally no doubt many men respond to Rachel the same way Chandler, another male character, in that same scene: “I knew it!”
So whether or not there’s value in considering Friends when talking about ED, supportive conversations about overcoming erectile dysfunction — including reversing misconceptions, and changing perceptions — are helpful for everyone. Perhaps if Rachel had had more information about the topic, her response would have looked and sounded much different:
“I know this is common. You’re not the only one. I’m here to support you.”
