Sexual Performance Anxiety in Men
How To Break The Cycle Of Worry and Doubt
Disclaimer: Your healthcare provider is the best source of health and medical information. Articles written by UPGUYS are informed by peer-reviewed studies and research, as well as governmental health authorities and agencies — but they cannot replace advice from a healthcare professional. Talk to your healthcare provider about any physical or mental health concerns you might have.
In Mark Manson’s best-selling self-help book The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck, the author’s thesis focuses on his belief that the harder we try, and the more we fixate on positive outcomes, the worse we fare.
This can also manifest in what Manson calls the “Feedback Loop From Hell” — in which your anxiety of failure ultimately leads to failure, which makes you anxious, which makes you less likely to succeed in the future.
Whether you ascribe to Mr. Manson’s assertions or not, his feedback loop model accurately captures the sexual performance anxiety that many men and women experience.
Suppose you’ve recently experienced trouble achieving or maintaining an erection. Upon your next sexual encounter, all your focus goes towards making sure that doesn’t happen again. But the pressure you’ve put on yourself ends up working against you, and you are unable to achieve an erection, perpetuating this vicious cycle.
So how did we end up feeling anxious about an inability to perform in the first place? And what can we do to overcome it?
Somewhere along the timeline from roaming the savannahs in Africa to roaming city streets, sex went from a simple and widely-used means to propagate the species to a recreational activity in which men (and women) felt the need to attain certain standards.
If the man doesn’t get and keep a rock-hard erection, and last for at least five minutes before orgasm, then he gets a bad sexual review — like an actor in a play.
In other words, we began to focus on qualitative and quantitative outcomes of sex instead of enjoying the pleasure and intimacy of the act itself. This is the most straightforward definition of performance anxiety.
Two already common male sexual performance issues can become even more common in the face of performance anxiety — erectile dysfunction (ED) and premature ejaculation (PE).
To be sure, general depression and anxiety resulting in sexual performance issues is common among a significant minority of men. It would stand to reason then that general anxiety wouldn’t stop at the bedroom door.
But because general anxiety and sexual performance anxiety share similarities, similar approaches can be taken to work through them. The American National Social Anxiety Center (NSAC) suggests four strategies to help cope with performance anxiety, a couple of which can help you through generalized anxiety as well.
- Mindfulness is an ability to experience the present moment without analyzing the particulars of a given situation, or worrying about a certain outcome. Sexual intimacy isn’t a time for cerebral evaluation. Instead, use it as an opportunity to get out of your head and enjoy the pleasure and excitement of the moment. The more you let go of outcomes and preconceived notions, the more relaxed you will be, which will allow you to perform better in turn.
- Cognitive Restructuring is a fancy term that encourages the rejigging of negative thought patterns into positive ones. If you’re repeating thought patterns that focus on the potential negative outcomes, you risk creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. Instead of “I’m not going to be able to get an erection again this time and my partner is going to resent me”, a better way of looking at things would be “I’m excited to be intimate with my partner and enjoy their company”. Like mindfulness, it takes practice. But if you do commit to restructuring negative thoughts, you are more likely to experience positive results.
- Mindful Masturbation is a method that involves leveraging the two listed above. Try to relax and be fully present while masturbating. Imagine engaging in sexual intimacy in a positive manner, one in which the outcome or how you get there doesn’t matter. Rather, you enjoy all the sensations and pleasures of masturbating while envisioning those sensations with a partner involved as well. This is a no-stress way to practice on your own so that you can be more present and positive when the time comes to engage with a partner.
- Enroll your partner in the work you’re doing to become more present and mindful. If you can, communicate this with them and start by engaging in non-genital stimulation, like massaging or kissing. The more you can appreciate sex as the entire experience and not just intercourse or orgasms, the more relaxed you can feel about the experience in general.
There aren’t necessarily any easy solutions to overcoming performance anxiety, but there are many ways to do so. Therapy with a licenced sex therapist can help to unlock some of the underlying issues that could be impacting your performance anxiety.
Couples therapy can also help bridge communication or other gaps that are leading to relationship troubles and performance anxiety by extension.
If erectile dysfunction is the main manifestation of your performance anxiety, a doctor or pharmacist might recommend prescription medication like sildenafil, tadalafil or vardenafil.
Changes to diet and exercise can also help improve your chances of achieving or maintaining an erection. Though the root causes of your performance anxiety might still need treatment, removing some of the worry by increasing the chances of getting an erection can be a part of the process.
What should be understood above all is that performance anxiety is nothing to be ashamed of. Practicing mindfulness and communicating with your partner can go a long way in overcoming sexual performance issues.
And if self-help tips aren’t cutting it, your doctor or healthcare provider will be able to point you in the right direction towards seeking support and treatment of these issues. With the right mix of support, self-improvement and commitment, men can break the feedback loop from hell.
