Love Yourself Episode 1: Nobody is Perfect

Disclaimer: This is a series that will discuss problems we often considered as blocking walls for us to love ourselves. The series will be divided into several episodes. While of course it would be very difficult not to give advice but I try to be committed of not showing, as much as possible of dos and don’ts.

Episode 1: Nobody is Perfect

First thing first, I would like to discuss one phase of human developments as a social being that begins with mimicking. According to the California of Education, human development as social beings can be seen from their efforts since they were babies in mimicking their parents or those closest to them. The mimicking process, according to them, is then divided into two stages: The first occurs when the child is 13 months old. At the age of 13 months, children already have cognitive abilities that are still developing in the sense that the child cannot fully understand the whole structure of an activity. However, the ability of observation in children aged 13 months is increasing rapidly so their language skills and memory functions developing in certain way that will make them be able to follow what parents or people around them are doing. Even so, the thing that needs to be underlined is that usually 13 months old children will start their act of mimicking after observing an activity that is carried out repeatedly.

The second stage takes place when the child is 3 years old. At this stage, since the child’s cognitive function and language skills have developed very rapidly, this act of mimicking usually does not require longer observation. He will be able to imitate various daily activities such as his mother’s tone when she is speaking to the neighbors. Furthermore, at this age, the child’s memory has developed, so he is capable in recording events in an orderly structure. Therefore the process of mimicking done by the children this age to their closest people is also more out and out. However, there is one thing we need to take a close look toward this theory: it is the explanation that when a child becomes a teenager, he will imitate his idol who could be celebrity and when he grows up reaching the age of adulthood this whole process of mimicking will stop. Then what if there are adults who still imitate other people’s behavior or style? Is that something abnormal? Or do we really know what is called as mimicking?

Let’s try to answer the last question “what exactly is mimicking?” I often see all kinds of advertisements for training: training to be a successful businessman, leadership training and even training for critical thinking. From those kinds of training advertisements, I see that there is a standard of “how to” that people need to learn in order to achieve something. We need to take another example, if you are applied for a job, try to remember what you did when you are about to write a cover letter or resume? I myself will usually look on the internet for format examples or instructions for how to make a cover letter. What I’m trying to say is that mimicking doesn’t stop when humans become more mature. We continue to do the act of mimicking even until today. Why this happened? Is this human development really not as perfect as the development of non-human animals?

The development of non-human animals such as birds (for example) is the same as humans, it does start with mimicking. Birds, to be able to fly, it will imitate how adult birds fly. After being able to fly and knowing how to live like a bird through mimicking, then he will be able to be independent and completely detached from mimicking. Then what about human? At what phase, to be exact, will he stop mimicking? Mimicking for humans is something essential and we cannot stop doing it. This is because the social environment and also the needs of humans as social beings are very broad and multi-layered. We will experience many growth phases that require us to always learn the “how to” again and again. There will always be new social environments for us in which we do not have the clue of how to live within it at first place. In order to adapt, we need first ignite the act of observing and mimicking just like three years old kids. For example, when you first entered college, you will need to observe how your seniors communicate with the professors and you will do the same technique to talk to your professor. “That’s what I call learning not imitating!” you said.

There are some differences between imitating and learning. I can say that learning is the next stage of mimicking. When we look at several formats of the cover letter and decide which one to use, that’s not learning but mimicking. When you try to Google for a look that appropriates to wear on the first day of college and you search your closet to make it: that is mimicking. Then maybe some of you will ask “how about when we take advice from motivational books?” and hope I will differentiate it by saying “oh that is healing, not imitating” nope! Not so easy.

Healing as well as learning is the next stage of mimicking and what brings mimicking to the next stage? Adaptation/assimilation. When you decide to determine the cover letter format and learn that you can’t just copy and paste it, but make adjustments in many parts to make it suitable to your writing style and also to the institution where you will apply for the job. That is one of the examples from learning. The same thing when you run to a motivational book and hope to be able to cope with your mental health issues: before you take for granted all the dos and don’ts, you will need an honest reflection as on whether all the advices in the book can be used for your problem; are they fit with your personal characters. If you have the moment of reflection after reading motivational book then it would be considered as a process of healing. On the other sides, if you only read and you think: “OK! I will do as to whatever things written in the book”, that is mimicking.

Here is a story when I met Saul Kripke at How the Light Gets in Festival. I handed him the copy of my paper which, in those paper, I use his theory or copy his point of view to understand the work of Henry James’. Kripke read it, and after he is finished, he did not say a word. I asked “what do you think? I am looking for a comment, to be honest”. Then he asked “what kind of comment do you expect from me? You wrote paper using my point of view. Tell me how to give a comment over my own point of view?” I stunned and he said again “if you can understand my theory, why don’t you try to take my theory to another level, combine it with anything you had in your repository. Learning is something active not passive”. You see in this case, when I wrote those paper, I was mimicking Saul Kripke.

Okay so there is no problem with mimicking, it will end up as a positive with just one touch. Nope! Mimicking is a common thing in our lives. In fact, it is the first stage that will emerge when we get a sense of curiosity to know “how and what to do” in our new society; new life; new school, etc. Because this is a common thing, we often think of it as normal and harmless, even though we may be infected with obsessive-addictive disorder. we will never know! What is obsessive-addictive disorder? Try asking your friend why she bought new shoes even though yesterday she just bought it, even now she’s browsing for another shoes to buy? If you hear the answer “because I have to! I need lot of shoes to pair with my clothes when I am going out” try to ask again “who said that?” and when you find the answer that she wants to look fashionable like Adriana Lima and the shoes she bought are also what Adriana Lima had bought. That doesn’t matter of course, but what makes this example problematic is the person who bought lot of shoes is someone who rarely goes outside let alone goes to parties, so she simply wants to imitate Adriana Lima and get obsessed with Lima’s look without discovering how it will fit to her life. This obsessive-addictive disorder is when a person is so attached to, what s/he thinks of as, role models and will follow them without thinking much, let alone thinking about adjusting to his life or needs.

Obsessive-addictive disorder is a very dangerous stage of mimicking, this is because the individual will lose his confidence and will also lose the ability to understand and adapt to the surrounding environment. The worst case ever experienced by William James, an American philosopher and psychologist. James grew up with great admiration for his father’s best friend, Ralph Waldo Emerson. Almost every day Emerson visited James’s residence and from there many interactions took place between him and young William James. As he grew up, James was excited about Emerson’s concept of non-conformity. Emerson became a role model for James so he wanted to study philosophy. However, this desire must experience a major obstacle when his father disagrees and orders James to study medicine, physics or mathematics. James wanted to put Emerson’s concept of non-conformity into practice against his father’s will. Too much adherence to non-conformism as a theory, James simply failed to implement it. The result? James thought his life could not be considered as a life. He really despaired and hated his life, he even attempted suicide but was unsuccessful. Later in his life, William James found a trick where he chose Psychology while doing his Philosophy.

There are many kinds of obsessive-addictive disorder, from mild to worst case. The second category is where a person completely failed to distinguish between himself and his role models he imitates. We may be under the threat of these mental problems several times but then we can go back to seeing what is needed for ourselves and stop following what other people are doing. Or maybe some of you are still struggling with this kind of issues. Here is your task to do if you are struggling with this issue. You need to remember that you have changed role models in your live for several times. It means that no role model is truly perfect so that it can be followed without us thinking about making our own lives; thinking as of how to be creative in solving our problems and not just passively listen or read to a motivational kind of stuffs. Now grab your diary or just piece of papers, try to make list of your role models, why they were your role models and why they were no longer your role models today. Then you will find out that nobody is perfect. So don’t be so hard on yourself to be someone else whom you might think as perfect since nobody is perfect (PERIOD). All human beings might be within the same book but each of us has our own page to write.