LOVE YOURSELF EP2: LEARN TO SAY “NO”
Are you a fan of the cartoon series Spongebob Squarepants? If so, maybe you will remember one of the episodes in season 6 entitled “Overbooked”? if not, then I will tell you the most significant part from those episode connected to this article. In “overbooked”, Spongebob is caught in the middle of the most difficult situation where he had three appointments with three different characters at the very same time. First, Spongebob had agreed to Sandy’s invitation for him to be the object test at Sandy’s scientific exhibition. Then, he was forced to say “yes” to help Mr. Krab install a telescope at Krab’s home. Mr. Krab threatened not to give a mark for Spongebob to be a good employee if he is going to say “no”. Last one, that day was also Patrick’s birthday. Patrick is Spongebob’s BFF and it makes him so hard to say “no” even he already had an almost-impossible-to-do kind of schedule with Sandy and Mr. Krab. By saying “yes” to Patrick it perfectly makes all the appointments are impossible to attend since all of those three are within the exactly same time. However, despite all the impossibilities, Spongebob tries so hard to fulfill his promises. From this story, I want you to imagine that kind of situation? Of how hard his effort when he tries to fulfill all those promises… What happen next? did he satisfy all of them three? No! It was such a mess! And indeed he turns out to ruin all the three events and not to mention: himself.
Have you ever been in a situation like Spongebob? I have and I am confident to say that a large part of human population has, at least once, been caught in this situation. In a situation like Spongebob’s, it’s not that we don’t understand the rule of the game: we have to choose one so that we don’t let a very complicated situation to get to us. However, our knowledge just disappears and we cannot choose nor can we say “no”. And that means we just opened up a door that brings us into a big problem. However the real problem starts after that problematic situation passed or let me say: we think it is passed. We might think that a new day will come after it ends but that point of view is erroneous. The truth is, this incident will leave a mark inside us and will give a huge effect on our mental condition.
Why?
The answer is simple, it is the same reason as why we cannot choose one and say “no” to the others: because we think that all of them are important. And what happen when we know that we ruin the whole important occasions? There will be pangs of conscience: regret all the things that we have done, all the mess that we have created. It would be an endless wave of blaming our own selves. So many “what if(s)” will be circulating in our head and it will consume our mental energy to get stuck with this unhealthy self-accusation or maybe self-condemnation. It will raise a stumbling block that prevents us from loving our own selves and it means that there is war raging inside us.
As I already told you that I have been within this situation, not once… not twice. To be honest, I lost count on them. I also experienced those nightmarish consequences of my action as I also described. So many “what if” inside my head, I even pray for time to move backward so I can fix everything. Later I found out that, if ever time has a reverse gear, if I visit the past with the same person and personality as I was then nothing will ever change. I still have no capability in making decision then the worst of the past will repeat itself. I then come up with a better solution and it is learning of how to say “no”. I really love to listen or read to almost everything that I can find about tips and trick to learn to say “no”. Although I do not want to say that my learning process based on theory is a failure but I must say that one advice might work for person A but not for person B, etc. The success of this kind of learning process is purely based on practical; on how we manage to master the situation which is undeniably unique to each of us.
In this article, I am not going to share about “how to” or my specific experience when I learnt to say “no”. This article is an underline that learning of how to say “no” is significant in our life. But it does not stop there, I will briefly point out why it is important and I will also explain the two obstacles that we might find when we take this lesson.
So, why it is important for us learning to say “no”?
To make us feel empowered, we are not controlled by anything except our reason. This is also the stage where we have to maximize our cognition as an adult who determines to be able to make decision. And to live peacefully with no regret.
What about the two obstacles?
First, it is a mental test where the practice is purely based on practical. This then leads to the knowledge that not everyone can have the same way of learning to say “no”. I found something while studying to say “no”, from all the guides I have studied, it turned out that the most successful way was a very personal one. What does “personal” mean here? Let me tell you a flash about the process: when we first start the act of saying “no”, we may get a backlash. And I tell you! It can be unpleasant and inflicted a great more damage. What then the effect on our mental? The courage we have accumulated will shrink and possibly even disappear. The situation most likely will bring us to another regret but this time, the remorse will lead you to think of learning to say “no” is a downside. We will think to stop learning to say “no” and another self-conflict will creep inside us. However, what I need to remind you here is the first point of why is this difficult? Because it is a mental test, just like any other tests: you need to study hard, fail and learn more. If necessary, you can talk to experts or with someone closest to you who can listen, because what you need when you fail the test is to get all the frustrations that are inside of you; about why you failed even though you already tried hard. Therefor you can be ready to start again.
The second problematic thing which is at the same time a very unkind situation is when we start abusing the word “no”. Let me go back to Spongebob Squarepants, but this time I have season 7 with an episode entitled “The Abrasive Side”. In this episode, Spongebob has similar trouble like in the episode “Overbooked”: he has problem of saying “no” which later made him regret and said “I cannot stand for myself. I am too soft.” Then Gary got the rough side for Spongebob to wear. This rough side will take over and help Spongebob to say “no”. Then, how? Did it work? Yes, it worked in the sense that he was able to say “no” … to be honest he said it all the time, every time people ask help to him, including his grandmother when she asked for help crossing the road. Is that good? Of course not! It is a disaster, but Spongebob doesn’t think the same. Even when Patrick cried over such harsh words he uttered, Spongebob was not aware. When Spongebob finally understand that his abrasive side had caused pain to all people he loved most, all he got was another regret and that’s not very good.
It is not impossible for us to experience thing like Spongebob, especially when we know that learning to say “no” is necessity, but we don’t realize that what we need is to make peace with ourselves before we begin the process. As we already know that learning to say “no” is a mental process and not only a matter for our cognitive development as adult humans and part of a social being. To be exact, when we understand that learning to say “no” is a mental process, then we will also start by taking a mental big step. The step I mean here is to make peace with the self about the regret that has happened before so that the subject will be better prepared to face the first and second difficulties.
