Responding to Disclosures
The following recommendations are for situations where someone is not disclosing in combination with suicidal thoughts or plans. If a person is approaching a crisis, you can refer them to the National Sexual Assault Hotline, the Suicide Prevention Hotline, or the Crisis Text Line.
Do not attempt to handle a situation where someone is having suicidal thoughts or plans without the intervention of a professional. Additionally, if someone else’s disclosure is triggering a crisis for you, please read the below tips and reach out to an above resource if you need to.
Disclosure is when someone reveals to you that they have experienced abuse, assault, harassment, or another uncomfortable, unpleasant, or harmful act. They may choose to disclose because they are seeking comfort, advice, support, or simply because they want to vent or have their feelings validated by someone.
The act of disclosure can be a daunting part of a survivor’s journey. When someone tells you that they were abused, sexually assaulted, or raped, they face challenges such as not being believed, shame, guilt, or even repercussions. The risk, whether perceived or real, may be so great that a survivor chooses never to disclose.
Whether you actually believe what the person is telling you, it’s important to treat a disclosure with respect and sincerity. Your accepting response to a disclosure can be vital in a survivor’s willingness to get further help. Treat every disclosure like it’s 100% true, even if you are unsure of it.
What to Say
When responding to a disclosure, there’s no one-size-fits-all solution. However, there are some simple things you can say that will show that you care.
“I’m so sorry that happened to you.”
Empathy isn’t always easy to convey, but this simple sentence can make the other person feel heard.
“I believe you.”
Not being believed is a leading reason why survivors don’t disclose. This phrase may be vital for them to hear if they disclose that their offender is well-known, well-liked, close to them, or is otherwise in a position of power compared to the survivor.
“How can I help?”
Not knowing that there are resources or not knowing what those resources are can impede a survivor’s willingness to reach out. They might want help physically going to a professional, or they might want to be left alone. Sometimes, the person disclosing might not need you to say anything. Sometimes, they might want reassurance or direction. The only way to know how they would like to be assisted is to ask.
Depending on your relationship to the survivor, you may not be able to do much for them, or you may be their best friend and their guide through the rest of their recovery. For example, a bystander who happens to intervene and speak to a survivor might only be able to walk them to a police station or bus stop, but if your best friend discloses to you, they may ask you to stay with them while they process or call for more help. How much emotional energy you are willing or able to exert is up to you. It’s okay to refer them out or ask if there are other people the survivor has disclosed to if you need more support. Be there for the person in whatever way you perceive you can without causing yourself harm.
“It wasn’t your fault.”
This statement is helpful if the survivor expresses guilt or shame about the situation. Often, survivors are blamed for “putting themselves” in a situation where they were taken advantage of. That’s not the case. No matter what the survivor did, they didn’t deserve to have that happen to them.
What not to say
Sometimes, knowing what not to say and learning why not to say it is more helpful than trying to come up with the “perfect” thing to say in the moment. This category is largely composed of questions you might ask the discloser regarding intimate details of their assault. If you’ve never experienced abuse, sexual assault, or rape, or if you experienced it under different circumstances, you might be curious. In general, avoid asking more of the discloser than they are telling you.
“What were you wearing?”
This implies that it is the survivor’s fault for wearing a certain piece of clothing or presenting in a certain way.
“Why were you alone with them?”
The circumstances under which the survivor is in proximity to their offender is not important. The perception that they “led someone on” would not mean they were “asking for it.”
“Why didn’t you fight back?”
It’s a myth that most sexual assaults occur in alleys with attackers who physically and violently hurt or restrain survivors. It’s more likely that the offender is someone the survivor knows, and with that comes the assumption that that person is someone the survivor can trust. Self-defense techniques don’t work if the offender is someone the survivor doesn’t want to hurt, such as someone with power to control their income or quality of life. A survivor also might not want to attempt to hurt someone who could hurt them worse if they struggled. Often there is a difference in size or strength between the offender and survivor. There are numerous repercussions, physical and emotional, real and perceived, that a survivor might not be able to overcome for fighting back. Even if a survivor did not fight back, it is still not their fault.
“Did you tell them no?” or “Did you make it really, really clear?”
No amount of telling an assaulter “no” is guaranteed to stop them. The survivor does not owe the assaulter the emotional labor of explaining why they’re saying “no.” The absense of affirmative, enthusiastic consent is always a no.
“Don’t you think it was unfair for you to tell them no after you had already said yes?”
Consent must be given consistently, whether the situation was platonic or sexual. It can be revoked at any time and the revocation must be respected.
“Why did you say yes if you didn’t mean it?”
Coercion is not an enthusiastic yes. Sometimes, the offender will wear down the survivor by pressure and persistence. It makes the survivor feel obligated to participate, guilty if they don’t. Sometimes, the survivor feels it is easier to “get it over with” if they know the offender is not going to back down and they are unable or unwilling to use self-defense.
Confidentiality
An important aspect about hearing someone else’s disclosure is this: their story is not your story to share, ever. When someone discloses their experience to you, even if they ask for your help in reporting, you should never share details of what happened to them. They might not ever want to identify as a victim/target/survivor. They might not want anyone but you to know. They might be in danger and face repercussions if the offender/people close to the offender found out. It’s comparable to outing someone from the LGBTQIA+ community. If someone chooses to disclose to anyone other than you, it needs to be their choice and on their time.
Likewise, sharing someone’s disclosure story out of spite or dislike of the person is not only disrespectful, but can be dangerous. Rumors or gossip about a victim/survivor can lead to that person being targeted for harassment by people who would question whether it happened, how it happened, or their worth in general as a result of the information being made public beyond their control.
If You Are A Survivor…
#MeToo
The movement started by Tarana Burke was born from her inability to say “me, too” when a young student disclosed to her, many years ago. During a 2019 lecture, Burke said that she wished she were able to say those words to that student at the time of the disclosure; that it might have helped the student feel less alone.
While you’re never required to disclose your own sexual assault to anyone, you might find that it could help someone else when they disclose to you. Especially if this person is younger than you or looks up to you, letting them know that you’ve been through the same doubt and fear of disclosing might help them. If they never knew it happened to you, they might realize it’s a lot more prevalent than they might have thought. They might realize it can happen to anyone, even people they perceive as “strong” or “capable.”
A caveat: This is still their disclosure. You can choose to share some details about similarities if your situation was like theirs, but turning into a counter-disclosure that focuses on your feelings about your own assault while disregarding the discloser’s emotional state is unfair. Remember that they are choosing to disclose to you for a reason: they trust you will listen to them. Be sure that this is clear when you say “me, too.”
What If Their Story Triggers Me?
If you’re a survivor yourself, hearing someone else’s story may remind you of your own. In some cases, it may cause you to experience mental health effects, such as dissociation or anxiety, or even flashbacks.
If someone’s disclosure to you causes you to have distressing or triggering thoughts, you have every right to put a bookmark in the conversation for your own health. Here are some ways you can handle that conversation:
“Thank you for sharing that with me. I know that must have been difficult. Actually, I need a minute. Are you going to be okay if I step outside?”
“I’m so sorry that happened to you. That really sucks! Hey, I know you just told me, but I’m going to be away from my messenger for a little bit. I’ll let you know when I get back on. In the meantime, feel free to leave me whatever messages you need.”
“I’m so, so sorry. Can we talk about this in a little bit? I need a moment to process. Are you going to be okay in the meantime?”
Be honest in whatever way works for you, then make sure the person who is disclosing will be physically/mentally safe during the time you need to step away. After that, take care of your own physical and mental safety.
Keeping these points in mind during or after someone discloses to you can make a big difference in a person’s recovery from sexual violence. Remember always to put your “oxygen mask” on first. Reassure the discloser, ask them what they need, then do what you can to help them.
Uplift is dedicated to combatting sexual violence in online fandom spaces through education and advocacy. Read more resources at uplifttogether.org/resources.
