When your community won’t kick out your abuser
Whether your community is online or in-person, you still have options.
Remember your truth
First, know that the response of the community does not change what you experienced. Having a group choose your abuser can feel confusing, hurtful, or invalidating to your experience. It is not an overreaction to be upset. These feelings of hurt are incredibly valid and important to recognize.
Your community choosing your abuser doesn’t mean you were wrong or the harm was less severe. You know what you’ve experienced and how bad it was better than anyone else, even the people close to you.
Your community has let you down, you have not let down your community. You are not the one asking them to lose a friend– your abuser did that by being abusive.
Share what you’re comfortable with
While there can be immense pressure to provide more details to make your community understand, remember that this is not your responsibility. You did them a service by disclosing that you were abused and do not owe further explanation. You can provide as many details as you feel comfortable doing, but prioritize your safety and mental health first.
You do not owe anyone information about abuse you experienced- if your community is not understanding, it is their responsibility to respond with empathy and prioritize the safety of the community– it is not your responsibility to make the details of your abuse more palatable or easier for them to understand.
Exposing an abuser in a community is an incredibly brave step in making your community a safer place for you and for the rest of the community. If the community refuses to remove them, that is not your responsibility.
Take a step back
In the midst of the incredibly challenging and unfair experience, there are practical steps you can take as well.
- Take a step back from the community. You deserve to have communities that support you, and this community is not doing that- it can be hard, and it might feel like something you need to mourn (which you can!), but put distance between yourself and your community, be it leaving online groups, silencing notifications, etc
- Find other ways you can participate in the interest that drew you to the community. Are there other groups you can join with similar interests? Are there certain friendships or communities in your life that you can lean into instead?
- Identify who is on your side. Is there anyone you can take with you? The relationships you have individually within/ through your community might be with people who don’t want to continue to be a part of a group that protects abusers. They could be good people to turn to and create your own space with.
Show yourself grace
No decision about your community and your involvement in it has to be made at once. Go at your own pace, and do what feels best for you. You can always mute community notifications, and take a break before deciding how to move forward in a way that feels best for you.
Ultimately, you deserve communities that are willing to listen to you and offer a safe space for you.
Uplift is dedicated to combatting sexual violence in online fandom spaces through education and advocacy. Find more at uplifttogether.org
