Sext Smart

Want to snap someone a sexy pic? Got some hot texts you’re burning to send? Here’s how to make sure your partner’s into it!

Grace Miller
4 min readSep 6, 2017


Whether snapping, texting, messaging, or sliding into your partner’s DMs, knowing how to respectfully be sexual online is essential.

Start sexting somebody by checking in that it’s okay first. Everybody is into something different — you never know what your partner is comfortable with. Plus, if you start spontaneously sexting, you may be catching them at a time where it’s inappropriate for them to be bothered and hot.

too hot (hot damn)

Since you’re not able to read body language or hear tone online, it’s particularly important to be open and communicate with your partner. Not sure what to say? Here are some examples:

To get the ball rollin’:

Do you want to get more intimate? I want to tell you how much I want you.

I can’t stop thinking about you. Can I tell you what I’m fantasizing about?

Last night was amazing. Wanna talk about what’ll happen next time?

You should never have to convince someone to sext. Not only is sexting the most fun when everyone’s excited, but it’s harassment if you try to pressure someone into it. Just because you’ve sexted or been intimate IRL before does not mean your partner wants to sext now. You both have the right to say “no” or “stop”, even when you’re in the heat of it. If your partner is uncomfortable, back off!

gif of Amber Heard by the talented Julie Winegard

To check in:

I’m getting so turned on. Are you still into this?

Is this okay?

Saying yes to one thing does not mean consent to all things. For some people, sending sexy messages could be cool while sexy pictures is a whole other ball game. Make sure you’re checking in every step of the way, and ask before moving forward.

To see if it’s okay to send pics:

I’d love to show you more of me. Can I send a picture?

Snapping with you is so much fun. Is it okay if I show more skin?

Never screenshot or save sexy pictures or messages someone has sent you unless they have told you it’s okay.

To ask to save nude photos:

You are so hot. Can I save this?

I’d love to look back at this later — is it okay if I don’t delete this right away?

If you did get permission to save sexy messages, never share or post them without your partner’s consent. Seriously! Not only is it deeply wrong, it’s also illegal in many states.


If you’re on the receiving end of a sexting exchange, you have the right to say “no” at any time. You never owe anyone a sexual message or an explanation of why you want to stop. Sometimes, though, it can be difficult to find the right words, especially if you want to let someone down easy.

To say no to sexting:

I’d like to wait to get to know you better before jumping in to this.

This isn’t really my thing. Why don’t we keep talking instead?

I can’t wait to see you again. Let’s wait till then to get intimate.

I like leaving something to the imagination.

You can also flat-out say “no” or “stop” — as Oprah reminds us, “‘No’ is a complete sentence.”

Remember, too, that you have the right to feel safe on any platform. If someone won’t leave you alone, block or report them.

Consent is a voluntary, enthusiastic, continuous, informed mutual decision, and it’s necessary for any kind of sexual interaction! Respect your partner and you’re sure to have a safe, healthy, fun time.



Grace Miller

@UpliftTogether Co-Founder and Executive Director. Passionate about anti-sexual violence work, positive sex education, and online communities.