A boundary by any other name
In my early days exploring the mystical, I bought a birthday horoscope book. A budding teenager, I’d quietly close the door to my bedroom and leaf through the beautifully illustrated pages trying to identify my potential soulmate.
(Don’t tell me I was the only one looking up middle school crushes on Horoscope.com… which, in an odd turn of events, is now run by my financial firm.)
She sent an unspoken message: boundaries cause distance. Distance causes hurt. Hurt is bad.
I’d just have caught the thread of a promising match, the shy eyed, curly haired boy who IM’d me last night, when my mother comes bursting into the room:
“What’s wrong, sweetie? Is everything ok? Why is your door closed?”
Translation: “You put up a boundary. I feel distant from you. Something must be wrong. I will remedy it by bursting into your pre-pubescent room and removing said boundary immediately.”
I love my mother, and while she wasn’t trying to hurt me or my growing curiosity in the mystical/romantic/1–800 world, her actions sent an unspoken message:
Boundaries cause distance. Distance causes hurt. Hurt is bad.
While not every boundary violation follows that thought pattern, I’m willing to bet this subconscious reasoning goes farther back than you think.
(I’m also willing to bet that, at this point, you’ve Googled Horoscope.com)
It took time to realize the signal from my mother was not, in fact, in my best interest. That boundaries are essential — for ourselves, relationships, work and personal growth. They’re also essential for us highly sensitive folk to find our space, and our own knowing.
But why?
Boundary-less
One of the benefits of being highly sensitive is that we experience everything deeply.
Alcohol? One glass and I’m tipsy. A sad or disturbing movie? I’m thinking about it for weeks. An important, rapidly approaching deadline? I feel the pressure in every muscle of my body. An affectionate word or touch? I’ve already begun opening my heart to you.
Not only does this make me a cheap date, ready to take on every wrong in the world, and obsessively on time with work deadlines, it also means I easily and rapidly attach to people — whether friendly or romantic.
Instead of trying to change how I react, I’ve learned to limit my exposure, and in so doing their impact on me.
These things are, at face value, very good. And when you peel back the layers, they’re still good. However the probability of ending up drunk, depressed, anxious or heartbroken is also unequivocally high.
Enter boundaries.
Boundaries aren’t so that I feel things less. In fact, after 30+ years I’ve joyfully concluded I cannot. And I wouldn’t want to, either — as I wrote in my first blog post, empathy is the medicine we need.
But i’ve learned the power of boundaries to process the world in a healthy, manageable way, and to do so on my terms.
It’s counterintuitive
According to Merriam Webster, boundaries create a limit or extent of influence — two things that, as a highly sensitive person, don’t come naturally.
By limiting not what I do, but how much I expose myself to it at one time, I’m creating space and the ability to process — and enjoy!! — my experiences.
Take work — I’m not going to not stress about that deadline, or the demanding email from a client. I care deeply, and that includes these moments. What I can do is limit my exposure to the stressors: shutting off my computer by 8 pm, keeping work off personal text, or establishing “48 hour reply” expectations.
Dating is another great example, where a naturally uncertain environment mixes not well with my ability to feel deeply. I meet someone new, we hit it off, and then every part of me wants to open up, connect, imagine a life together. I feel deeply connected, before the person has earned my trust or we’ve established our compatibility.
It may feel counterintuitive to limit your exposure to something that causes stress OR joy, and “but it feels so good” or “but it’s so important!” are common excuses I hear myself make. I’d also argue changing how I experience the world is impossible, or at best a waste of time.
So instead of trying to change how I react to these experiences, I’ve learned to limit my exposure to them, and in so doing the impact they can have on me.
If the joy of falling in love is like a decadent piece of chocolate, I take one step at a time — tasting each experience fully and letting my body digest, instead of inhaling the whole box and getting a proverbial stomach ache.
Now that’s not to say we shouldn’t try to manage stress or anxiety — I’m a huge proponent of yoga, meditation and sleep, and do each regularly.
What I am saying is, for my fellow sensitive souls and those who love them, stop saying we should not feel what we feel, whether that’s stress, responsibility, excitement or anything else. It’s simply who we are…
Instead, we can practice boundaries.
What’s in a name?
For all the reasons I discovered as a teenager, boundaries are difficult to establish and maintain.
Researchers like Dr Nicole LePera (check out The Holistic Psychologist!) have shown boundaries trigger people — their anxiety, attachment style or childhood trauma, to name a few.
Feedback like “boundaries are selfish,” or feeling guilty or responsible for others’ emotions are common reactions to prioritizing your self care in this way.
Set boundaries anyway.
These reactions may be a sign you need them even more.
And if you’re unsure what boundaries look, here are a few inspirations:
- I will respond when I have the time and energy,
- I’m not looking for feedback or advise right now,
- No.
Rather than asking how you can set boundaries without upsetting people, notice how people react to your healthy, well-intentioned boundaries. Use that as a guide for how and where you spend your time.
Unlearning the belief that you’re responsible for other people’s emotions takes self compassion and practice. It can be a bumpy ride, but on the other side is life on your terms.
Because when used well, boundaries help us find our space, and our knowingness. Empowered, energized and excited for what WE choose.
Why not?
