Can you just be curious?
“Read your blog. Super interesting. It made me think about situations in the past when we interacted and I wonder if I caused you any sort of discomfort…”
When I released my first Urban Empath blog post in November — Is empathy the medicine we need? — there were a few things I expected:
- A “vulnerability hangover,” as Brene Brown would say (a.k.a the compulsive need to hide under the bed);
- A feeling of empowerment, as I speak my truth and let myself be truly seen; and,
- Other highly sensitive people (HSPs) reaching out from their lived experience to validate, celebrate and connect.
What I didn’t expect, which I continue to receive from readers, are feelings of fear and guilt.
If you want to close the browser now, I won’t blame you.
Guilt is a highly uncomfortable emotion. However, like most emotions, it provides valuable raw data.
This guilt comes from a deep place of care, concern and a renewed self awareness.
“Your blog reminds me of situations where empaths in my life have responded differently than I have. I’m guilty of categorizing them as “overly sensitive.”
People shared with me fears that they had hurt me or others, without knowing it.
And yet, by showing up with fear or guilt, two things naturally happen:
(1) As an empath, I experience a compulsive need to take care of you.
I assure you that you haven’t hurt me, or the other HSPs in your life. And no, that strange interaction three years ago in the cafeteria didn’t fuel an existential crises, or lifetime trauma (though thanks for asking).
By beginning with your fear, I will naturally strive to comfort you. That’s not your fault, but it is the way I am.
“I’m worried about you… and depression.”
(2) The second thing that will happen is i’ll internalize what is embedded in your well-intentioned question:
My delicate self is not safe in this world, even with you.
I must be housing a lifetime of unspoken hurt.
I must be in pain.
My preferred response here is to channel my fairy warrior princess (complete with a sparkly dress and sword), put my hands on my hips, and list off my professional accomplishments. The battles I’ve fought, and won. The hardships I’ve endured. My unrelenting ability to thrive.
But if I did that, I too would be playing into a dangerous narrative, and trying to prove it wrong.
The narrative that I am not enough.
That I am too delicate to function like a “normal person.”
That I am not safe here.
The truth is, if you’re an HSP, these thoughts have likely been reverberating in your mind for years, decades, since the first time we tried to play in the sandbox.
The idea that we’re “too sensitive” keeps us out of the sandbox.
It keeps us on the outskirts of life, afraid to jump in, get messy, maybe even get bruised. But all of us risk bruising our body, heart, career, whatever, when we’re “in the arena” as Teddy Roosevelt and Brene Brown would say.
“I’m curious about the role I play in enabling and responding to the disposition / ability of people in my life to be highly sensitive, as I find their ability to do so a strength.”
But there’s another way, and I was so heartened to receive these types of questions, too:
“How can I help?”
By leading with curiosity.
When you lead with curiosity, you tell me that we’re equal.
You validate that we each have a way of moving through life, and that you’re eager to learn more about mine.
You show me that sensitivity isn’t a problem to be solved, but rather another unique human experience.
You create a space for me to share my world. And in my world, I notice just about everything.
A key characteristic of HSPs is how thoroughly we process things. We’re often highly intuitive, due in part to our ability to acutely sense the physical and energetic world around us.
As a result, while often quiet, there are so many things we sense, think, and feel — from the cherry blossoms that just bloomed on 8th street, to the extra effort you put into your outfit today, to the peaceful smile of the woman holding her husband’s hand three rows down on the subway.
I would love to share my world with you.
I will rarely ask, and it may take some prodding to help me open up, but by learning more about the way I live, love, and process what is around me, you’re holding space for me to live my experience with you.
Learning more about my way of life doesn’t mean it needs to be your way.
In fact, research shows that evolution has created a balance of highly and non-sensitive people in society, and that this distribution of traits exists in over 100 animal species including monkeys, dogs, fish and even fruit flies!
What I’m striving to create is a space for each of us to play our role, as we each have an important one to play.
By leading with curiosity, you’re playing an important role in building a more empathic world — creating space not only for the highly sensitive, but also for each unique, beautiful variation in the human experience to be seen, validated and cherished.
“How can I help?”
I am so glad you asked.
