How are you, really?
“The idea that what this country is going through shouldn’t have any effect on us — that we all should just feel OK all the time — that just doesn’t feel real to me.”
—Michelle Obama
In Michelle Obama’s podcast episode, Protests and the Pandemic, she shared,
“I’m waking up in the middle of the night because I’m worrying, and there’s a heaviness… there have been periods throughout this quarantine where I have just felt too low… I know i’m dealing with some form of low grade depression.”
I can relate — today was another tough day full of heavy feelings, as I allowed myself to feel the cruelty of how the California wildfires are adding a new layer of suffering — instability, economic pain, health risks and so much more — to an already struggling community.
Michelle’s admission on her podcast ignited a wave of anxiety and concern (and judgement and disdain), and sparked millions of comments on social media, hundreds of news articles, and ongoing discussion about the meaning, impact and virtue of her observation.
Despite the buzz that has followed Michelle’s every move for over a decade, the public response to this comment was so extensive it led Michelle to post on Instagram:
“First things first — I’m doing just fine. There’s no reason to worry about me… The idea that what this country is going through shouldn’t have any effect on us — that we all should just feel OK all the time — that just doesn’t feel real to me. So I hope you all are allowing yourselves to feel whatever it is you’re feeling.”
There’s no reason to worry about me
Why, with all the ways the media and public have scrutinized Michelle over the years, did her podcast comment evoke such a reaction?
What prompted her to write an Instagram response?
While society has built industries on unpacking everything from women’s clothing and actions to their words and opinions, this reaction was new — there were many much juicier statements in the 50 minute podcast episode, yet the public had fixated on this.
So what made this statement so unique?
She named her feelings.
While I’m no Michelle Obama (one can dream), I can relate.
Side note: for those with a more balanced fangirl status for Michelle, let me introduce you to The Michelle Obama Podcast. With the same vulnerability and down-to-earth nature that won my heart with Becoming, Michelle embarks on deep, meaningful conversations about community with Barack Obama, social justice with Michele Norris, women’s health with Dr. Sharon Malone, and so much more.
TL/DR: it’s a must listen, at least on Tal Lee’s Sunday couch cuddles.
“We ask some variation of ‘How are you feeling?’… yet we never expect, desire or provide an honest answer.”
— Marc Brackett
Can you be curious?
When I published my last Urban Empath post, I described a time when despair weighed heavy on me. But the majority of the post focused on naming that feeling in order to heal.
I was flooded with reactions, much more than normal.
Many were warm and thoughtful, but others prompted notes from me similar to Michelle’s Instagram post. “I’m just fine” I said, as they expressed sympathy for my feeling low, concern for my mental health and stability, and curiosity about how I was going to “stop” feeling that way.
These responses surprised me.
My writing came from an empowered place — I was eager to share the freedom I’d found in naming what I was feeling to process and transform.
But something about the word “despair” stuck with people.
This isn’t the first time my writing about feelings evoked worry and concern. When I published my first Urban Empath post, Is empathy the medicine we need? many people including friends and family inquired about my mental health. Depression? Anxiety? Need for an intervention?
Writing about feelings feels normal — I experience so many on the daily, it isn’t weird or particularly vulnerable to share. Yet the replies keep coming.
Let me be clear — I appreciate your care and concern. Really, I do. This is not a not-so-subtle message to stop reaching out!
Rather, I keep wondering what makes me, or Michelle Obama, sharing these feelings so revolutionary.
Permission to feel
Marc Brackett is a social and emotional learning expert and Founder of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence. In Permission to Feel he writes:
“It is one of the great paradoxes of the human condition: we ask some variation of the question, ‘How are you feeling?’ over and over, which would lead one to assume we attach some importance to it, and yet we never expect, desire or provide an honest answer.”
I’ve always struggled with how to answer “How are you feeling?”
Nowadays, the question feels almost comical.
But despite how abnormal it is to share how we’re actually feeling, research by Brackett reveals there is real, monetary value to it. That’s because it turns out emotions affect our:
(1) Capacity to pay attention,
Ever tried to pay attention in a meeting or class after a fight, or receiving disturbing news? Chances are the speaker sounded a lot like the “woh woh woh” of Charlie Brown’s teacher.
(2) Decision making,
Example: teachers grading the same paper under different emotional states gave the papers dramatically different marks. When asked if they were biased, 90% thought they had graded fairly.
(3) Relationships,
In the simplest form, our emotions communicate to others whether to approach us or to avoid. Given I work in executive coaching, it’s a good thing my nickname is Smiley.
(4) Physical and mental health,
Ever tried to eat, sleep, talk, create, meditate or do basically anything after a stressful day? You can thank emotions like anxiety, worry, frustration, fear and, well, stress.
(5) Performance and creativity.
It’s no secret that programs like my Stanford MBA are more focused on teaching feelings than finance. That’s not because they’re lazy. It’s because experience (and data) shows that emotional intelligence is one of the single most important skills required of successful leaders.
* * *
With all of these reasons, why is taking time to understand and name our emotions so rare?
Brackett claims the biggest barriers are self awareness and a lifetime of training to ignore or minimize our feelings.
Now the response to Michelle admitting she’s feeling low is starting to make sense…
“I hope you all are allowing yourselves to feel whatever it is you’re feeling.”
— Michelle Obama
How are you feeling?
So now i’m going to ask: how are you feeling?
Really.
Right now.
Take a deep breath. For 30 seconds. Pause.
When was the last time you shared the truth — with yourself, and others?
The next time you’re asked, what would it take to answer truthfully?
What do you have to gain, and to lose?
