Listening to your child

Listening to your child means saying no to your own immediate reaction (sometimes), to slow down on your emotional response. Not “stop feeling emotions” (it’s impossible) but step away a bit, in order to hear what your child is saying.

Mine is a young one, just learning to talk, she lacks in expressive means. Which doesn’t stop the desires or the strength of expression. Just imagine how hard it can be when you’re not understood, when you can’t say what it is that makes you unhappy or what you want.

It’s the role of a parent: to listen, to understand why. Why now? Why no instead of the usual yes? What is it behind this particular desire. She doesn’t want to get dressed. Why? It’s not that she’s trying to make your life hard. Is it that she doesn’t want to stop doing something that she’s doing? She can’t hold the big ball or draw while getting changed? My task here is not to push her to do what I say. That’s not what authority is about. My authority is through understanding her in the first place. Ask questions. Get to the point. Talk to her. Hug her. Make her feel safe and appreciated. And understood. And then, as a parent, when she sees that I understand her, and that I don’t try to deprive her of her right to emotions, good or bad. Only then I can insist that we do as I see fit — if it’s necessary. And I explain why. I talk to her. I listen. I hug her, and tell her that all her emotions are normal. I set boundaries: we don’t hit, were respect others. But I don’t set excessive boundaries: you have to share (you can share, but you don’t have to, if it’s yours, you don’t have to give it away to please me or someone else), all grown-ups are an authority. I hope when she grows up, she’s able to listen to herself too.

Children are so small, and yet so deep. I listen, and yet I feel I should be listening even more.