How To Elevate Your Small Talk Game
Even as a self-described shy and introverted person, I have come to appreciate the importance of effective communication. Having been a user of dating apps, I recognized that engaging banter was crucial.
Motivated to improve, I focused on refining my small talk skills by paying closer attention to my conversation partners. I sought to understand “what makes them tick, what drives them.” My approach involved asking about the books people are reading or the movies and television they enjoy.
While small talk is often criticized for being too surface-level or rote, it can serve as the on-ramp to deeper connections. Contrary to starting conversations with questions about someone’s biggest fears, small talk provides an opportunity to build trust, learn about others, and cultivate curiosity.
Viewing Small Talk as an Opportunity, Not an Annoyance
Many people dread small talk because they “get stuck” in it, without moving on to deeper conversation. “One of the key elements of small talk is having the mindset that actually this is not where we’re going to end up.”
Consider all the relationships that began as banter or the job opportunities that came from acquaintances. There is potential for small talk to bloom into something bigger.
Avoid viewing chitchat as solely transactional. Research shows people enjoy and appreciate talking with strangers or acquaintances, and these brief interactions contribute to well-being.
While these conversations have the potential to be awkward, Gillian Sandstrom, a senior lecturer in the psychology of kindness at the University of Sussex, found in research that most introductory small talk with strangers does in fact go well.
As people engage in these chats with greater frequency, the more confident they are in their abilities to talk to strangers, according to the study. “That’s enough to allow you to be in the moment more instead of in panic mode.”
What to Talk About Instead of Your Job
Popular scripts dominate small talk. Comments about traffic and the weather, the questions “So, what do you do?” and “How are you?” Often, people give unengaging or throwaway answers that don’t give the other person much to respond to.
Instead, lead with inquiries related to your interests. Consider asking a barista at your neighborhood cafe about their favorite beverage or if a friend of a friend at a party has also watched the newest season of Love Is Blind.
If you want to feel a little more prepared, have a list of five or so questions at the ready that are topical and feel authentic to you — just be sure to refresh your list every few weeks. Maybe your talking points include asking if someone has an upcoming vacation or if they tried any new restaurants recently.
Or instead of questioning your conversation partner, try a statement or observation. Something as simple as “This line is taking forever,” or “[Mutual friend’s name] makes the best cheese boards,” or “You have the cutest dog I have ever seen” can be an effective entrée to small talk.
Research has found that making an observation about a product or item another person has chosen to display is a better conversation starter than discussing the weather. Initiating a chat with someone wearing a shirt from your alma mater is easier than attempting to find common ground with nothing to go on.
“Those conversations tend to go better,” says the study’s lead author, Hillary Wiener, an assistant professor of marketing at the University at Albany.
However, don’t feel like you must write off meteorological small talk. Discussing the weather is ample conversation fodder for my colleague Miles Bryan, a senior producer and reporter (and the self-appointed Philly Bureau Chief) for Today, Explained.
“It’s such a shared experience between everybody I’m talking to,” he says. “It’s a way to connect with somebody else without a lot of pressure on the conversation.” Luxuriating in small talk is thoughtful: “Small talk is empathetic.”
To Be Better at Small Talk, Actually Listen
Making the most of small talk and elevating the conversation to larger topics involves active listening. If someone mentions the city they grew up in, utilize that detail for follow-up questions.
Inquire about what they enjoyed most about the city, any dislikes they may have had, or the reason behind their move. You can also share a personal anecdote, perhaps recounting a trip you took to the same city.
“When someone shares anything with you, they’re revealing a small piece of the vast tapestry of life. Our role is to discover what sets this person apart, what makes them intriguing, and what renders their life unique.”
The more genuine your curiosity about another person’s experiences or perspectives, the more likely they are to remain engaged in the conversation. As a result, the other person is likely to willingly provide more information, fostering a deeper and more meaningful discussion.
Just Don’t Make It Weird
In any interaction, there’s a risk of coming on too strong or unintentionally making your conversation partner uncomfortable. This is especially true in small talk with strangers.
In small talk, a well-meaning question might not be interpreted as intended, and there’s a possibility of being misunderstood as attempting to flirt. Small talk, ideally, is warm and introductory, devoid of ulterior motives.
While it can potentially evolve into a more flirtatious exchange, it’s crucial to initiate with curiosity and friendliness. For instance, imagine being seated next to someone on a plane.
Outright asking, “Hi, what’s your favorite superpower?” may not be the most effective approach in human interaction. Instead, starting with an observation about the crowded flight or inquiring whether the person is traveling for work could be more context-appropriate.
