Self-Compassion: Your Secret to Real Confidence
It would be best if you felt really great about yourself. Seems obvious, right? Truth is, though, you’re more likely to come across a unicorn in a field of haystacks than to figure out how to do this on your own. Developing unshakable self-worth isn’t about magic pixie dust you sprinkle on yourself. It’s learning the dance of self-compassion + confidence.
The Self-Esteem Shuffle
Let’s begin with self-esteem. Just what — even — is that? Well, according to Kristin Neff, PhD, associate professor of educational psychology at the University of Texas at Austin, self-esteem refers to your internal evaluation of whether you’re basically a good person or a bad person. In other words, it’s like an ongoing report card to determine if you’re totally killing it — or just not.
Now, you know the old-school method to boost self-esteem. It went something like this: “Work harder! Get stronger! Be more resilient!” Seems effective, right? But hold your horses. Modern psych experts are poking holes in that theory. While self-esteem can indeed pump up your confidence, it has some serious pitfalls. It’s tied to external validation — like getting likes on your latest IG post or compliments at work. And when that external praise dries up? Boom. Your confidence can take a nosedive.
The Experts Have Spoken
Say hey to the brain trust: Kristin Neff, PhD, Christopher Germer, PhD, Pooja Lakshmin, MD, Reena B. Patel, BCBA, and Diana Gasperoni, LCSW-R. These experts have some juicy insights on how self-compassion trumps traditional self-esteem in building lasting confidence.
Self-Compassion: The Real MVP
Let’s say you’ve fallen behind in your marathon training and you’re berating yourself about it. The typical response? Work harder; you’re feeling inadequate. Sure, that might work in the short term. But in the long run? Not so much. You become more doubtful of yourself, fearing failure, and more likely to give up. Meet self-compassion: your new bestie.
Shame-Proof Yourself
This isn’t about feeling better when you screw up or excel in making a poor decision. It’s about being kind to yourself when you’re struggling, failing, or just not loving what you see in the mirror. You give yourself permission to move on, safe in the knowledge that you’re doing the best you can for you. By treating yourself kindly in times of trouble, research also shows a person is more likely to bounce back and make a change for the better.
Neff explains: “We tend to think of self-compassion as passive, even unproductive, but that couldn’t be further from the truth.” Let’s say running is really tough for you. Instead of falling into a pit of despair, with self-compassion, you would think, “I’m going to try because I care about myself and I don’t want to suffer.” That kind of motivation is self-confidence-building. When you sit through your pain and think what will help you — like getting up earlier to get in your runs or actually putting them in your calendar — you overcome obstacles, building belief in yourself along the way. The shift is very subtle, but it makes a world of difference. “Self-compassion gives you a stable source of self-competence,” says Neff.
The Two Faces of Self-Compassion
According to Neff, there are two sides to self-compassion: the tender and the fierce. The tender side accepts that you are innately flawed, but you’re still deserving. The fierce side? It’s about caring about yourself enough to make changes in your behavior that may be harmful. “Part of caring for yourself means taking active steps to change,” says Neff. That’s the power of self-compassion.
Why Are We So Hard on Ourselves?
We’re often kinder to others than we are to ourselves, quick to judge our own shortcomings. But self-compassion is a muscle you can build, says Neff. It’s a trainable skill.
What Exactly is Self-Compassion
Reena B. Patel, BCBA, shares, It’s about giving yourself the same grace and understanding you would offer a friend. It’s so hard because we can be so hard on ourselves. Much of self-compassion is merely taking the situation for what it is when something goes wrong and not continuously beating yourself up about it. Diana Gasperoni, LCSW-R adds, “It’s about gently accepting mistakes and giving yourself room to fail.” “Self-compassion will allow us to pick ourselves up and try again,” she says. It’s about growth and flourishing.
6 Exercises to Increase Self-Compassion
Ready to dive in? Here are six ways to build self-compassion to truly feel your best.
Ask Yourself: What Do I Need?
According to Christopher Germer, PhD, let this question be your companion on your self-compassion journey. Missed a deadline and spiralling? Rather than going into negative self-talk, try to determine what your needs are — perhaps you need more childcare or better to-do lists. With that question, come tools for change — boosting self-confidence with the growth you begin to see.
Put a Hand on Your Heart
According to Germer, touching your heart or cheek can be transformative. In fact, it lowers cortisol levels and stimulates the vagus nerve, calming your system.
Learn When You Just Don’t Have It in You
Pooja Lakshmin, MD, calls it learning when self-compassion is lacking. Is it an email from a coworker or a fight with your partner? Once you identify these moments, it makes it easier to turn around and extend kindness toward yourself.
Reflect on How You Speak to Yourself
According to Reena B. Patel, check in on what your inner voice sounds like. Is it positive or negative? Positive self-talk, especially during times of hardship, is one way to build self-compassion.
Acknowledge the Small Wins
According to Diana Gasperoni, set small, manageable goals and then acknowledge — see — the little bits of progress. This builds self-compassion and a positive self-view.
Practice Gratitude — for Yourself
When things don’t go as planned, practice self-compassion and gratitude, says Patel. Forgive yourself and move forward with appreciation for your efforts.
Positive Self-Talk: The Secret Sauce
A change in tone can be a major fuel source for self-compassion. It’s not all “Everything’s great!” Here’s how to pull off the self-talk pivot.
Notice the Negativity
Neff suggests you try her favorite class exercise: focus on a flaw or a mistake, and see if you can feel where in your body the emotions might be. Sense that suffering for yourself that’s created by self-tormenting.
Make a Wish
One step further: Germer suggests making wishes rather than positive statements. Wishes like “May I accept every part of me” create a circle of support in your mind. They free up space to grow.
Replace the Word ‘Should’
Lakshmin recommends the following switch: Replace “should” with “curiosity.” So rather than “I should have done this,” try “Could I have chosen differently?” Curiosity is kinder and more productive.
Boosting Confidence Through Self-Esteem
“Loving yourself is the first step to boosting your confidence,” Patel claims. When there is no self-love, insecurity starts creeping in, leading to a decrease in self-confidence. And practicing self-esteem creates self-worth. Acknowledge your positive qualities, acknowledge your accomplishments, and give yourself permission to fail. “Self-esteem is the foundation of confidence,” former teacher Gasperoni said.
Building self-esteem and practicing self-compassion may seem like climbing Mount Everest without a sherpa, but believe me, it’s possible. Enjoy the journey, flex that self-compassion muscle, and watch your confidence rise. So the next time you’re down on yourself, remember: Treat yourself with the same kind of kindness and understanding you would give a friend. You’ve got this!
