Sometimes I Just Can’t Even

Raiscara Avalon
Oct 10, 2019 · 5 min read

Failure is the new norm.

Photo by Zohre Nemati on Unsplash

I have to be honest here, I feel like such a total failure. I can’t seem to do anything right, can’t get enough income to do what needs doing, can’t get adequate help to do so either. All I have to live on is $1000 a month from SSDI and my VA disability. I can’t pay my bills, I can’t buy my daughter what she needs, I can’t get what we need — I can barely buy enough food to get us through the month!

I’m so tired and stressed out all the time, and of course, my chronic illnesses make everything worse — and I wear my stress on my face, as that’s where my psoriasis likes to attack…and I’m supposed to avoid stress, as it’s making even more issues that will lead to death. I am literally wearing out over here.

Photo by JESHOOTS.COM on Unsplash

I’m just one person. Even my family has basically declared that they won’t help me — it’s not their problem. I can barely get through a day, and I have no one to lean on for support. I haven’t had anyone since Mom died 9 years ago on the 7th of this month. Not a soul I could confide in, share my burdens with, ask for help or advice — just me, on my own, dealing with life handing me one huge challenge after another.

It just never ends, there is no breathing room in my life — there is always another emergency, always another illness to deal with long term, always another needed item breaking down…it just won’t stop.

I seriously am starting to think that life is trying to kill me. It has isolated me, hammered me down — and now it’s just fucking with me. I just don’t know what to do anymore — maybe I should just quit everything. Just give up. *shrugs*

I even have a sign up in my living room that says “I’m not sure if life is passing me by or trying to run me over.” It’s honestly ridiculous how much I’ve had to go through in this decade alone. I have about one friend, and she lives an hour away, so we only get together maybe once or twice a year.

My daughter is at that age where nothing is ever going right, and I don’t know how to help her — and in this day and age, suicide is a real risk. So I have all that fun stuff on my plate as well, wondering if she will if she won’t if she’s depressed or just angry — being a parent is hard as fuck. Don’t let anyone tell you differently.

Photo by Roberto Nickson on Unsplash

Christmas is coming and I have no money — never mind Halloween and Thanksgiving. Holidays are mostly somber events here, as they're generally isn’t much to open or enjoy — I haven’t decorated for Halloween in 5 years, and other than the fake tree that already has the lights on it, haven’t decorated for Christmas either. Can’t afford it — and I LOVE to decorate. I used to love the holidays, ALL of them, but now I dread them (Halloween-Christmas) and ignore the rest.

This isn’t the life I want, and everything I touch seems to turn to dust before my eyes. I have been trying, and trying, and trying to make a sustainable income for 11 years now. Sure, I’m probably doing it wrong, but in the end, I haven’t been able to do so. And I haven’t only been using one method or whatever either. It just hasn’t worked out for me so far.

The GoFundMe that I have going (and of course, only one person has donated to — which is better than zero) is just for moving costs and a new vehicle that is safe and reliable and able to tackle the terrain I have to deal with. I live in Maine, we have shitty roads, especially this time of year. I also live in rural Maine — all town maintained, not the state. The car I have now is a hunk of junk and falling apart. It’s heading for the scrap yard.

Photo by Jp Valery on Unsplash

None of that includes my current bills or anything else about my current situation. Like I need to make an additional $800 to pay my electric and phone bill because I didn’t have enough left after paying other bills and buying household supplies and other needed items. And I have to also make some money for gas because I do have to drive the vehicle I have!

Panhandling may have to happen. Yes, it is that bad.

I’m running out of options. All I want to do is hide in a ball and just give up, let the Universe do what it will and ignore everything. But as a responsible adult with a really high sense of honor and duty, I can’t do that. I’m a quarter Irish, fighting is in my blood. But I don’t know how to not be a failure, which I most definitely feel like I am right now.

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Raiscara Avalon

Written by

Writer/Editor/Proofreader/Tutor/Life Coach/Writing Coach/Chronic Illness Sufferer/Single Mom/Photographer— can be found at https://www.raiscaraavalon.com

Utterly Random

For the articles that fit no where else.

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