Amazing Grace
Amazing Grace, How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost, but now am found
T’was blind but now I see
-Hymn by John Newton
Around my third year into university I realized that I had developed a peculiar hatred for life. Every enjoyable thing I had the pleasure of experiencing: the delicious flavors and subtleties of foods, the thrill and adrenaline of sports and games, the warm fellowship of my brothers and sisters in Christ, even a simple, cold glass of water on a hot day, had turned to piercing guilt. At the same time, the joy and reward of serving, and countless hours spent each week on various ministries had slowly twisted themselves into an aching, dull burden.
It’s difficult to say how exactly I came to this point. On the outside, everything looked quite perfect to the unknowing observer. I was the kid who grew up in the church, had Christian parents, went on short term missions, had a good half dozen ministries under my belt at any given time. It was clear to everyone that I had a passion for Christ; it was evident in my prayers, my speech, my actions. What could have possibly gone wrong?
There is a spectrum to Christianity: a duality of extremes between which young believers like myself swing wildly. On one side is the blasphemy of antinomianism, where repentance is not necessary, and Christ’s sacrifice is a license to live a life of rampant sin. On the opposite side of the gamut is the complete absence of grace. In this dreadful reality, God does not approve of you, and you slave away to earn his care and trust. It always seems like you aren’t enough, as if God died for you out of obligation, and not genuine love and desire for you. Like the older brother in the parable of the prodigal son, we make God out to be someone who is out to get us, and doesn’t have our best interests in mind.
I understood the wickedness of my sin and my need for Christ and his forgiveness. Unfortunately, this did not mean that my relationship with Christ was a healthy one. Too often I was a more like the older brother than the prodigal come home, the proud Pharisee instead of the repentant tax collector.
I began to wonder if I could ever be as loved by God as the martyrs and great saints who came before me. I became obsessed with martyrdom and asceticism, spending several hours each day thinking about whether I was good enough if I could not even say I had given up all earthly possessions to follow Jesus. I felt stabbing guilt every time I relaxed just a little or had fun. My time could surely be better used to advance the gospel; certainly, there were better things I needed to be doing. I could imagine pastors, preachers and Jesus himself frowning in disapproval at my languishing and squandering of resources.
Even worse, I began to judge others for not loving God or being as devoted as myself. I easily wrote people off as unsaved when I saw they lacked commitment. I had masqueraded my self-righteousness as holiness and zeal, and my need for justification with devotion and deeds.
The antidote to this plight is grace. God’s riches at Christ’s expense, getting what we don’t deserve, God’s love and mercy despite us not having to earn it. I could define grace with words; I could even preach it to you and profess that I am saved by it, yet I did not live as though I had experienced it. Grace is a difficult thing for man to grasp; it is a concept foreign to us. Understanding grace is particularly difficult in the culture we live in today, where so much of one’s value is attributed to performance.
The gospel is that Jesus Christ died for our sins and it is by grace through faith in which we are saved. It is here at the cross where we find the balance between the overwhelming holiness of God, and tenderness, kindness and mercy of Christ.
God does not need us. He is almighty, omniscient, omnipotent. He does not love us based on the value of our works, He simply loves us because he loves us and wants us. John 15 says that he is the vine, and we are the branches. We abide in Christ and his love for us, apart from him we can do nothing.
But the key here is that he already loves us, perfectly with all tenderness and kindness. Jesus Christ, friend of sinners, prince of peace already loved you perfectly while you were yet a rebellious sinner. Because of Jesus’ sacrifice, you are already wanted and desired by the King of Heaven. You are already seen as his beloved child, with no faults or sins, perfect and cherished. No amount of theology or works will ever add to the completed work of Christ on the cross. Accepting grace is submitting to the fact that it’s not up to you, that it’s completely up to God, and trusting that he loves you.
I struggled immensely with the concept of grace and accepting grace; my love for God was far from perfect. It took three years of depression and anxiety. It took three years of constant intercession and tender love from others. It took three years of God humbling me and tearing all my ministries away from me, leaving me broken and completely debilitated. It was there in my utter brokenness that I was told I was still loved. Even as I struggled to receive grace, I was given grace. That is the beautiful thing about grace, that we are not the source of it, but the perfect lover of our souls is the one who provides, sanctifies and sustains us.
If you’re struggling, if you’re confused, if you’re working too hard, or maybe you’re just defeated that your love for God is not enough: preach the gospel to yourself. Remember that you are already perfectly loved, liked, wanted and cherished by God. You are not alone - countless saints have gone before you, and none of them made it without relying on his grace.
“I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.
“I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. If you do not remain in me, you are like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. This is to my Father’s glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.
“As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. If you keep my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. You are my friends if you do what I command. I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit — fruit that will last — and so that whatever you ask in my name the Father will give you. This is my command: Love each other.”
