Finding God in His Silence

(Anything in italics are poems/time capsules from the past)

Life sucks

It’s hard. Knowing that people were praying for me; wanting change to happen immediately but also knowing that God had different plans; wishing I was in anybody else’s shoes but mine. To put it simply… life really sucks.

“A reminder: a sudden shock between the air.

Creeping up behind maliciously through the daylight fair.

It’s a terror on some days and a blessing on others,

for it only sees the raw heart before the fortified covers.”

Why am I like this?

I didn’t know what it was. How was I supposed to know? As a kid, I remember just accepting this nonsense, “One day” I would say as I waited for nothing to change as my teenage years slowly expired. It took some time to seek professional help but recently I’ve been diagnosed with psychosis and after some time I’m finally ready to share my journey battling this mental illness.

I hear things, see things, and feel things that aren’t necessarily real.

To make things simple, I get lost in reality, I struggle to interpret what is real and what is wrong, and often get confused about who is speaking to me on the daily. I hear characters I’m not supposed to hear, I see satanic things, my belief is shifted because of Satan’s will, and it’s torn me close to that imaginary spiritual line of indecisiveness. I would see myself blowing up the church, stabbing my parents, leaning off the edge of a tall building, and that to me was life.

In the moment I didn’t know, but I finally realized that these “friends of mine” were produced by the enemy. As much as they mentally abused me; gaslit me into believing their lies, not once in their existence have they claimed that Jesus is Lord.

It’s weird that I just followed along while ignoring what was morally right and what was wrong, but to me, this was normal. I remember when it got really bad last fall term, when I would lose control over my body as I would practice self-harm and disregard my surroundings; envisioning violence to my closest friends and praying for their downfall.

“You’re a constant.

An injury manifested into scars.

An extra voice that can’t be ignored.”

Addicted to sadness

“It’s okay to not be okay” I hear that a lot. What people should be saying to me is: “It’s okay to BE OKAY.” Let me explain.

I’m addicted to sadness. Yes, I find it challenging to be happy. But wait, Everett I see you smiling all the time! You’re always so cheerful, what are you talking about?

Lowkey I hate it when people say that, it’s just embarrassing how the raw eye can’t see past a façade. The simple explanation would be this: I hated myself, so why would I let others see the parts I hated?

These characters of mine have used me, have put me in so many dark places that I’m used to feeling sad. They purposely removed God from my life, kept me in a box, and let me dwell on the past that made me miserable. Anything that wasn’t sadness, was unnatural.

Let me put it this way: my happiness was my sadness, and I was comfortable being happy.

“…at that moment I realized I was broken,

not because of anything you did, but because all the collected pieces I was left with felt like home.”

“Why is it that I want to go back to a place of pain to feel normal,

I’m off-put, out of place being happy, I’m outside of what I knew.

I have a gravitational pull that wants me to turn back just so I can be comfortable.

Living on the other side is different.”

Where is my God who healed the sick?

I remember last fall term kneeling on the floor crying out to the Lord to bring me peace. I would soon hear the vicious bodies strike down the request as my bedsheets became soggy and my nose became heavy with snot. Nothing. Vanished. Gone. God’s presence wasn’t there. For weeks to months, I kept on praying and all it felt like was the power of Satan winning over me. I was lost in so much confusion that it seemed that my God wasn’t strong enough to take on Satan’s whispers. As much as I prayed, hoped, and believed, God’s presence was missing and everything that was already broken became bankrupt. This continued seemingly just as Satan wanted, yet time and time again, I kneeled down and prayed, staying faithful to God’s promises, but still, nothing.

As several months passed of praying, the voices started telling me I wasn’t deserving of His love, and with a few more repeated whispers… I gave up and ran.

“A deck of cards chosen out of deception.

Creating a sense of illusion.

Pursuing resonance of hatred.

Stonewalling me into conclusion”

It’s me, hi, I’m the problem it’s me.

The truth is, I shouldn’t be running away from God, I should be accepting the love that he’s graciously given me. Sure, I can play the victim game all I want but I want to take any responsibility for my actions. I’ll admit it now. My way of thinking was flawed, my actions regarding my mood were unhealthy, my closest loved ones have been cursed to the ground by my tongue, and despite all of that God still forgives me. Sure, these characters of mine reveal the worst parts of my heart but I know that God’s power is stronger to forgive and to love. There’s a line of lyrics in one of my favourite worship songs “Psalms 46 (Lord of Hosts)” where it says: “Oh Lord, you know the hearts of men and still you let them live.”

How desperately do we as sinners need to be cleansed?

Because of God’s silence, the feeling of abandonment had nearly left me hopeless, hanging loosely on to the truth that God will never abandon me. After a few months had passed and some time for reflection, I realized that through this trial of God’s silence, my faith has been strengthened through knowing who is by my side even when the enemy is so close to breaking me.

When I’m in a place of despair and I’m close to the flame, there’s the microscopic sound; a voice that’s persistent, a voice that feels safe and I know it’s the Holy Spirit saving me from going down the deep end. Even with all the drama that I hear in my head these characters always feel powerless when God decides to intervene. I would be there laying in bed at night feeling as empty as a person could possibly feel and despite the activity in my head God paves a way to my heart and speaks the truth. I know God isn’t finished with me. My journey has barely begun! As much as sin is attractive God pulls me from uncharted water back on the path that I’m supposed to be on.

I always go back to this core memory: on the verge of killing myself, lost in the lies, wanting everything to stop, God speaks my name. He said, “I Love You Everett.” He doesn’t just say “I love you.” He says, “I love you, Everett.” He doesn’t say the characters’ names, he doesn’t say any of my alter egos. He says my name! Out of everyone from the past, present, and future, He knows who I am and still loves me despite everything that I’ve done.

God has proven that He won’t let me go after being offered Satan’s gifts. God hasn’t given up on me and neither will he give up on you!

“How do you love me after all of this?

I’m an off-beat chorus to reminisce.

You take my song and change it to your way,

Without hesitation, by only your grace.”

A break, but not over.

Oh, I know God can move mountains, I know God can take away this thorn with a single word. But after everything else, I’m pretty sure He won’t. I’ve accepted it, and I know it’ll be okay. But despite all that, there’s good news. Jesus is our Lord and Saviour. I know my fight with Satan is just at its beginning, but I also know that I’m well armoured and that Satan has no grasp on me when I lie in the truth of the Holy Spirit. I know in the future these characters will attack me again and I know God will surprise me in ways I won’t expect but God has opened my eyes with joy and I’m excited to praise him through the storm when trials come. When I’m left on my knees again, I know that He is Lord and nothing is stopping Him from chasing me to be His. Search me oh God and test me, because with you by my side, who can stop us?

“Come at me Satan!

Make me suffer for my Lord.”