Growing Pains (Frosh Reflection)
I’ll be the first person to tell you that my first year of university was tumultuous.
Last year was full of my highest highs and my lowest lows. I want to share one of the lows of my first year in university with you, one that I think taught me a profound lesson, in hopes that it will make you think a little bit. Although I write primarily for you first years, I know every single one of you will go through trials this year, and I pray that what I have to say will be encouraging for all of you.
So, about a year ago today, I was somewhat in the middle of a crisis.
I had been going to CCF for a few weeks at this point. My first impressions? There were so many people 😳. But after that wore off, the next big impression, and the thing that shocked me the most, was the love and passion for God that everyone had. It was something I had genuinely never experienced before. What was more astonishing, however, was the consistency of it all. It wasn’t the case that everyone was nice and loving on the first few Fridays, but people were showing up week after week with the same level of enthusiasm for worshiping God and learning about Him that they had on the first night. This was novel to me, and it was something I had definitely never experienced in myself. Being surrounded by all these godly people, I started to wonder why I didn’t see this in my own life.
It was clear that my faith was not at the level of everyone else’s here. I did not love God in the same way they did, I did not treat sin as severely as they did, and I definitely did not hold myself to the standard that God has set for Christians the way that they did.
Before this, I was totally complacent in being a “good enough” Christian. I mean, I didn’t swear, I didn’t do drugs, and I went to church every week, so I was fine with where I was. But I didn’t see my propensity for gossip, my compliance for skipping devos to scroll on my phone, and my judgemental heart. All “little sins”, right? I kept all my sins, big and small, hidden in the dark, presenting only the best image at church, and if the adults at my church thought I was a good Christian, then surely I was, right?
But as I attended CCF and eventually church, I realized that God doesn’t call us to be good enough. He doesn’t call us to have one foot in the world and one foot in heaven. God has called us to be like Christ.
“If you were of the world, the world would love you as its own; but because you are not of the world, but I chose you out of the world…” — John 15:19
“Whoever says he abides in him ought to walk in the same way in which he walked.” — 1 John 2:6
Attending CCF regularly and listening to the gospel every week started to change something in me. The gospel started to come to life and take on a form: Jesus. Jesus suffered and died for me knowing full well that I would hear His commandments to “let no corrupting talk come out of [my mouth], but only such as is good for building up”, to “[store] up [His] word in my heart”, and to “love [my] neighbour as [myself]” and I would still completely ignore them, telling myself that it was okay to disobey His commandments because life was more enjoyable that way.
But I realized that I couldn’t even forgive someone for something as petty as scuffing the book they borrowed from me, yet God saw through all my actual sins against Him and still chose to erase them. How was that possible?
It hit me then that I’m not good enough for Him, and I don’t deserve the salvation He offers.
And yet… God offered it anyway. He loves me anyway. He loves me and I continue to sin and He continues to love me.
“but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” — Romans 5:8
Why did it take so long for me to really realize that? I don’t know. Maybe it was pride, maybe it was me ignoring the Holy Spirit, but this sudden realization of my sin and its severity, its deep rootedness inside me… it broke me. I started to grieve for my sin and my inadequacy, and I realized how far I had missed the mark that God has set. And even worse, how I had just been okay with that for so long.
All the while, the entire fellowship seemed to be so on fire for God and it was so clear that they were living their lives as people who have been given a new life. I just felt so ashamed. They all had so much joy in Christ and they all had truly dedicated their lives to Him. I felt broken compared to them. I had felt as though I was somehow more sinful than them.
I vividly remember lying in my V1 bed, hot and stuffy, after Friday night fellowship, deep in sorrow and full of despair because I felt as though I would never be able to live a life as holy as God commanded me to. As though I would never be able to make my life as pleasing of an offering as God demanded of us. I knew I would always fall short, and so I wondered if living a holy life was even worth the effort of trying. Or if I would spend the rest of my life fighting a hopeless battle. I felt broken and undone.
Truly, a crisis.
This was something I had never experienced before, this deep grief for my sin and the complete and utter nothingness I could do about it. There was no way for me to save myself from my sin — I knew that. But I never really understood it until this point. And this understanding broke me.
It’s in these vulnerable moments where you must make a choice. You can realize that where you fall short and end, God takes over and begins. Or you can give up in the face of this sorrow and turn away from God.
It would be so easy to just give up trying to be good enough for God. We already know that it’s impossible to reach God’s standards, so what’s the point in even trying, right? And especially for me, this defeat could have easily turned into resentment toward others. “Oh, they act like they’re so holy, they think they’re so much better than me.” And eventually, this resentment could turn into hatred. “I can’t be like them, so God must not even love me, otherwise I would be. I don’t love Him either, then.”
You might not think this to be probable, but let me tell you: it’s in these moments of weakness and vulnerability where the devil slinks in and tries to pry you away from God. Do not underestimate the power of the devil. He is always there, lurking, waiting for an opportune moment to come in and whisper lies in your ears. He takes any moments of weakness and questioning to plant doubts in your head, just like he did to Eve. He will make you question God’s character and who you are as a child of God. No one is immune, and I certainly was not. In the midst of this crisis, I heard the devil say, “Does God really love you? Look and see all these people who have so much joy in Christ. Surely, since you don’t have this joy, then God doesn’t really love you. And if God really loved you, He would take away all sin and temptation from you. Look at all these people obeying God. You continue to sin so much, surely God doesn’t really love you. Are you even really saved?”
“[The devil] said to the woman, “Did God actually say, ‘You shall not eat of any tree in the garden’?” — Genesis 3:1
Unbeknownst to me, all these thoughts running through my head, my comparisons to other people — they came from the father of lies. Thoughts that I thought were my own were from the one who was trying to bring me away from God. The devil knows God’s power. He knows that God is able to bring us out of despair and teach us from it, and he wants to do everything in his power to prevent that happening. He wants all of us to believe his lies instead of God’s truth.
“When [the devil] lies, he speaks out of his own character, for he is a liar and the father of lies.” — John 8:44
Do not underestimate the devil’s power.
But even more so, do not underestimate the power of God. God will crush the devil, and His power reigns supreme. So even in your weakness, when you are being tested and taunted by the devil, turn to God, and He will bring you out of doubt and despair because where we are weak, He is strong.
“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” — 2 Corinthians 12:9
I don’t know what God has in store for you. Maybe you’ll be convicted in the way I was. Maybe you will go through trial after trial, or maybe your year will be a breeze. Maybe you’ll leave the church and the fellowship and not return until your final year, or even years from now. Whatever it is, just know that as you start this journey away from home, it will be a time where God will test you and put you through trials to grow you. Whether it’s being overwhelmed by school, dealing with anxiety, or going through a bad breakup, this life is full of trials and you cannot avoid them. But I urge you, when you go through these trials: be on guard. Use these trials as a way to submit and humble yourself before God and to let Him teach you and mold you. Let the conviction turn into action because if you don’t, then conviction turns into guilt, and guilt into questioning, and then the devil will be there, lurking and waiting to bring you down.
“Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil.” — Ephesians 6:10–11
God is there waiting for you. In the storms that will come your way this year and for the rest of your life, God is always there waiting for you. Turn to Him, submit to the Holy Spirit, and immerse yourself in the word. We cannot do anything by ourselves, but with God, all things are possible.
“Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you.” — James 4:7–8
“Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.” — Romans 12:12
“With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” — Matthew 19:26
I eventually got through that period of growing pains and, frankly, self-pity. The grief for my sin was not designed to bring me down but to make me appreciate the magnitude of God’s love and to help me understand that what I could not do was accomplished through God’s saving grace. He told me that my situation was not hopeless and redirected me towards the cross.
This trial could have turned me away from God, had I believed the devil’s lies, but by His grace, God pulled me through my grief and brought me closer to Him. As I would learn through that trial, and through the many trials that had yet to come last year, these struggles were to help me learn about God’s character. Even better, to experience God and His goodness. Through each and every one of these trials and hardships, He sanctified me, and I am so grateful for that.
I want you to remember that being a Christian is not a one-and-done thing, but it’s a lifetime of sacrifice and endurance as God teaches and shapes you.
Ultimately, it’s a lifetime of joy, and then an eternity of perfection.
God will test you this year, and it will not be fun. He may test you like you’ve never been tested before, so I tell you this story for when you inevitably endure trials this year and face the decision that needs to be made:
Turn away from Him or turn to Him.
What will you do?
